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YOUR WIFE/GIRLFRIEND DOESN'T BITCH AT YOU. The upside to the fact that other homeless people and rape victims are the only females that you will ever have sex with means that you'll never have the displeasure of a significant other that hates your fucking guts. It's not like you're going to charm the pants off of some broad by screaming at her as she exits the grocery store and take her back to your freeway underpass for a romantic meal, so you have no worries about that imaginary woman ever wanting to move in with you. The underpass isn't "yours," per say, despite how many times you've pissed on it, so she can't really move in, exactly. Catch my drift? Being a Confirmed Bachelor doesn't have the same meaning that it used to. Sure, you might have felt like a huge fag that one morning when you woke up in the Castro District covered in man-sweat, but being a "CB" in your case just means that no normal women will touch you with a 10-foot fucking pole--no, not even the ugly, drunk, blind ones. So embrace that loneliness and refuse to use a napkin while eating in the alley. Masturbate wherever you damned well please! And it doesn't matter if your socks match, because they're so filthy that you can't even distinguish the colors anyway. Stand alone, Hobo. And stand tall" GAS PRICES AND THE STOCK MARKET HAVE NO EFFECT ON YOU. You've no doubt heard the phrase, "Mo' Money, Mo' Problems." This means you! You may have, at some point between bouts of unconsciousness, heard passers-by complaining about the price of oil, their 401(k)'s and student loan debts. This should bring a huge fucking toothless grin to your scabbed, dirty lips. Your shopping cart does not require regular fill-ups and oil changes. Your retirement plan is to jump off of the 5th Street Bridge. You stopped going to school after that nasty incident in the 2nd grade, so drop by County some time and thank your babysitter's husband for having such "busy hands" and smashing your little 7-year-old dreams. You would have made a shitty Astronaut, anyways. You can imagine how hard it would be to pay for one night in a hotel to get a decent place to sleep and bathe, but try paying for one whole month of that shit in the way of a mortgage! The gas, electricity and water expenses are not inclusive, either. Think of the work that it would entail to come up with the money to purchase a single postage stamp, then multiply that by one hundred and you'd know what else goes into that envelope to the phone company. You don't need it because no one cares enough about you to listen to your ramblings. Can you imagine the 30-second phone call that it would take to explain what you've been up to for the past year? Still homeless?
Still drinking? Whenever I get the chance. OK, bye. Save the money and put it in your Malt Liquor Fund. YOU NEVER HAVE TO WAIT IN LINES. What do the bank, the grocery store and McDonalds all have in common? Yes, they ARE all places that you've been kicked out of and subsequently banned from for life, due to your pesky habit of exposing your scummy genitals, but I'm talking about LINES, here. Lots of places that thrive on the almighty dollar have people lined up right out the door, waiting to hand over their money. Suckers! You have to wait in two lines a year--at the Homeless Buffet Line down at the shelter on Thanksgiving and Christmas. That's it, and neither of those involves you paying for a damned thing! Some people have waited in more lines than that before lunchtime on any given day, so consider your ass LUCKY! BEING A RESPONSIBLE PARENT SUCKS. Even if you weren't a registered sex offender, which is clearly not the case here, you'll never have to go through the Hell that is planning a child's birthday party. I'm not a doctor, but I've heard that drinking rubbing alcohol significantly reduces your sperm count, so you're in the clear. And, I hate to seem as though I'm beating a dead horse here, it's not like you need a more aggressive form of birth control than being homeless. Tends to kill the mood a tad... But that's a GOOD thing! The last thing you'd want is to be responsible for the well-being of another human that loves you. You can't take care of yourself properly, and you'd probably just end up fucking up a child's life worse than your parents did yours. It would be a train wreck, and that would make you the conductor. Add that to the fact that children require food, clean water, shelter and transportation, and you win! So here's a 5-spot--go blow it on something destructive, and don't you go changing on me! You ARE the Biggest Loser... 
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