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BUY SOMETHING AT MY SHITTY GARAGE SALE

by: MIKE POLK

It's On!
Hey buddy.  I see you’re checking out those Cool Whip containers huh? You've got a good eye my friend.  No?  You weren’t?  Well that’s too bad.  A fella could keep pretty much anything he wants in those.  It’s just like Tupperware really.  Same thing.  But that’s cool.  It’s your loss.  Just keep looking.  I’m sure you’ll find something you want to buy at my Shitty Garage Sale.
 
Do you like clothes?  Looking to update the old wardrobe a bit?  Well you came to the right place my friend.  How about this long sleeved shirt that has the word “Aeropostale” really  big on it?  This was a gift from my mom.  I’ve never even worn it.  Think about it.  What a great way to look fashionable while letting everyone know that you shop at Aeropostale!  No?  Not your style?  I hear you.
 
Well then how about this Darius Miles Cleveland Cavaliers jersey? At 3 bucks that’s a steal!  He’s doing some great stuff in Portland nowadays.  No it’s not “dated”.  It’s a “Throwback”.  That’s the look right now.  It’s what all those rappers are wearing.
 
Come on dude, buy something.
 
Yes, we have baby clothes.
How about this Nintendo Entertainment System?  This thing’s a classic!  I’ll even throw in a couple of games. Say, “Bad Dudes” the “Super Mario/Duck Hunt” combo.  Sound good? Five minutes of playing those and you’ll say, “X-Box what?”  Yeah, the door part broke off the console a long time ago.  But it still works if you blow in it a little.  No, I don’t know where the little gray box TV connector piece is.  But you can get one of those at any Radio Shack..
 
Come on man!
 
Are you a movie buff?  I’ve got some great VHS tapes over here that it’s just killing me to part with.  Remember “The Mask”?  Jim Carrey was so great in that!  With all those crazy faces he makes! 
 
Or how about “Father of the Bride 2”?  Steve Martin’s back and his family’s still driving him nuts!  No?  Gonna pass on that?  All right.  It’s your funeral man.
 
How about this “Ab Roller”?  This was endorsed by that ponytail guy.  Summer’s right around the corner man, are you ready for the swimsuit season?  No sale?  Okay.
 
Buy my Sociology text book from college!  The book store wouldn’t buy it back because they weren’t teaching this class the next semester.  You should buy it.  What do you mean “No Thanks”?  I guess you know everything there is to know about Sociology, huh professor?  My bad. I wasn’t aware of that.
 
Well there has to be something here at my Shitty Garage Sale that you want to buy.
 
Car VHS Tape Rewinder $2-OBO.
One TV tray?
 
A Sit And Spin?
 
McDonald’s Christmas Glassware?
 
Most of a tent?

Word Processor?
 
Key Bank T-Shirt?
 
Michael Crichton “Jurassic Park” paperback?
 
Lamp with no shade?
 
Nelson “After The Rain” Cassingle?
 
Rotary phone?
 
Come on dude.  Fucking buy something. Jesus.
From the BEST daily humor magazine on the web:
www.thephatphree.com
Read this article online at: www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=496&SectionID=11