 | Napalm's Mom's last vacation |
Goddammit you fucking assholes! Just cause you got all famous for a second with your fucking CNN link and your name droppin buddies on Best Damned Sport Show, doesnt mean you have to make me famous with you. You sorry bunch of worm infested twat lickers. Now my fucking mother has found me! Do you know how bad that is. You see, when Im doing wet work for certain disreputable people and governments, I dont exactly want them knowing where my goddamn mother is! Now when they want to inflict pain on me, theyll kidnap her and force her to eat antelope feces again, just like they did when I was fighting for the Tutsis in the Rwandan civil war. Goddammit, they released a video last time! If my mother gets snatched up again and forced into a barnyard gangbang because of you good for nothing penis gobblers, I will stick a boot up each one of your asses and tie the laces through your balls. And did you see the shit she wrote!
Posted: 3/31/2005 by: Momma
Hi Son,
Didn't know you had it in you!!! Although I didn't "get" half of what you wrote -- not being a movie-goer, not watching much TV, and, forget the music--- however, I did pick up on a few bad words. Just remember -- your momma is 'still alive and well and living in ..........' And, I haven't lost my eyesight yet, either. (Smile!!!)
Love you, baby. (Where'd you get such pungent satirical wit, anyway???) May have been that killer combination of breast milk and oatmeal.
Christ on a stick! Now Im supposed to watch what I say? Well, fuck that horse shitting on another horses cock. Ill shoot myself in the taint before I tone it down. At least she was smart enough to omit her location, so Ill let you fucks live for now. Momma if youre reading this close your goddamn eyes cause now its about to get real ugly. Its time for the fucking reviews!
White Trash Rating Scale
PPPPP - A New Double-Wide Good!
PPPP - Miracle Whip and Steakums good!
PPP Shopping at the Dollar General Good.
PP Not Being Asked Back for the Jerry Springer Reunion Good.
P Getting Thrown Out After Your Daddy Beats You Good.
p is a bonus given for drinking Shasta Lemon-Lime.
MOVIES
 Fever Pitch
P
There is only one thing worse than an over zealous BoSox fan, a whole theater of them. Since when did the rest of the country ever give a fuck about Boston? Id rather sit through another Sally Fields episode of ER than watch Drew I could do more rails than you when I was twelve Barrymore and Jimmy I made SNL suck even worse Fallon, starring in a romantic comedy about the Red Sox, of all things.
When they made this movie ten years ago about the Indians it was funny, cause the team sucked. When they tried to make Major League 3 and the real team was good it was pointless. Not unlike this entire film. This movie gets one P, because Id consider tittie-fucking Drew if I was really high on government weed and she offered to give me Lucie Lius phone number.
 Sahara
Pp
Someone gave me a Clive Cussler book once. I read part of it, but I used the last 30 pages to wipe my ass when we ran out of TP in the latrine. Regardless, it was kind of fun. Lots of action and some dude named Dirk Pitt saving the world and smiling. To bad they forgot to put any of that in the fucking movie. Heres a tip for Hollywood: If your lead actor was in the only Texas Chainsaw Massacre Movie that lost money, youve got the wrong guy. Matthew McConaughey just sucks.
We named the dog Indy. And we named this guy foamy ass droppings. Name any good movie that he was the main star and Ill give you a cookie. If you said U-571 youre an asshole. Reign Of Fire? Just die now, so I dont have to kill you slowly later. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Not even for all the hookers in Thailand.
Sadly, I like Steve Zahn, and Penelople I Fuck Maverick Cruz is pretty hot. But overblown special effects and the fact that McConaughey couldnt carry a blanket to a baby, make this movie a giant turd.
 Kung Fu Hustle
PPPp
Cross A Clockwork Orange with the Heroic Trio (Dung fong saam hap), and add in a healthy dose of a Road Runner cartoon and youve got exactly the same thing as this movie, bizarre special effects laden, slapstick, chop-sockey flick. All these little Asians running and flying around reminds me of what it looks like when you spray a whole village with an M-60 cannon and then laugh as they drop the Napalm. This Stephen Chow guy seems to have put together a pretty fun little flick here. But throw out your physics book because, suspension of disbelief is a must for viewing. Wind turns to knives and one punch can send you reeling backwards through time. This movie loses some points for having less plot than The Price is Right. At the end, there are winners and losers, but the more interesting part is seeing them play the games.
TV
 American Idol Season 76 (or whatever theyre on now)
PP
My illegitimate stepson, Ralph Garman, sounded off about Paula Abduls drunk ass in his interview, but its time for my to tell it like it really is. The first half of the season is great and gets two Ps by itself. Kids have been busting their scrawny little asses all year to get an audition, just to hear Simon and Randy completely berate their worth on the planet. Just wait until they have me on next year as a guest judge in the early rounds. Randy will say, I dont know dog, Im just not feeling it and Ill say, Look kid, why dont you take that sheet music and cram it sideways into your penis hole. Itll do us all more good there. And then Paulas drunk ass will slide under the table and blow me. Sadly Simons gay ass will probably do the same. After the early rounds the show moves into the part where all the contestants are actually okay and no one is chewing them a new ass crevice like they should. Simon attempts to tell it like it is, but where I come from, he is just another pussy that cant do it himself. My recommendation is to watch the first couple weeks of each season and never let yourself give two steamy shits about who actually wins later.
MUSIC
 Hot Hot Heat
Elevator
PPP
I liked this band the first time they came out as the Cure. In fact Hot Hot Heat has replaced all of the Cures mopiness and make-up with gayness and frills instead, and it seems to suit them well as Im sure you can tell from the photograph. There is absolutely nothing original about this band except for the fact that they managed to do the same thing for two albums in a row. Unlike Interpol, Radiohead and Beck, who like the idea of following really good albums with completely unrelated albums, Hot Hot Heat seem to have found a way to write more songs in a similar vein without re-treading too much of the same beaten path.
That path, however, has been well worn by early 80s bands. But, if you like the Killers or Franz Ferdinand, on any other Old Wave band, then youll probably like this too. You better go buy it now, because this sound will be all used up again in about three fucking weeks.
CLASSIC WAX
 Leo Sayer
Endless Flight
p
A white man with an afro and suspenders! Its like somebody crossed Rerun and Gallagher. This album had one hit song, You Make Me Feel Like Dancing. It was awful in 1976 and it still sucks a dingleberry out of my thick, nappy rectal 'fro today.
So you may be asking yourself, why then is he reviewing this ancient record if its so bad? Because of the Muppet Show. Thats right, the goddamn, hand up a frogs ass Muppet Show. This cheesy fuck Sayer guy did one episode and he fit right in. Maybe because he was fun and happy guy, or maybe because he had a hand up his ass too. But it was an enjoyable episode.
Regardless, it made me decide to pull out the old wax, laugh at the picture, and give Leo the appropriate Naplam treatment: Fuck you Leo Sayer! You are a no-talent half-wit Barry Manilow rip-off. You deserve to be bled to death with a bobby pin in the slowest and most painful death imaginable.
 |
