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The first half of the 2005 Major League Baseball season is now in the books. As laughable as the league's new steroid testing policy may be with regard to prosecution and punishment, there's no arguing it's effectiveness as a deterrent. Power numbers at the plate are down and they're down BIG.
The checked-swing and broken-bat home runs have become extinct, and the opposite field home run has been put on the endangered species list. Through eighty-three games this year, there has been a total of 2,559 home runs hit. From 2001-2004, the average number of home runs hit in the first half of the season prior to the All-Star break was 2,876. The lowest total tallied in any of those years was 2,649 in 2002. Whoa. Coincidence? I think not.
Many argue that the home run decline is a direct by-product of injuries to the biggest home run hitters in the game. There's some validity to that but it's mostly poppycock nonsense. It's the chicken and the egg. Is Barry Bonds REALLY hurt? I say no. Remember when Michael Jordan left the NBA to pursue a career in professional baseball, his "true love"? Stop it. David Stern kicked him out of the league for a year because his gambling was out of control. This isn't talked about enough.
Well, this is a similar situation. There was too much focus on Barry, on BALCO and on asterisks. Therefore, Bud "I got a little Stephen Hawking in me" Selig asked him to bow out for a while, if not for good. My money is on Barry never taking a swing again. We have a bunch of cheaters amidst us, folks. It's time we point them out. Established media isn't afforded the luxury of claims without repercussion. I, however, am afforded that luxury. And thank the Good Lord for that. Suspected and assumed steroid cheats have been the subject of numerous "wink wink" articles where the implications unfortunately must go unsaid. That won't happen here. It's time to call out the cheaters for what they really are...
(Twenty-Second Timeout: This piece is only focused on hitters because the benefits are much more tangible as compared to pitchers. Get bigger muscles; hit the ball farther; make dat money. Pitchers, on the other hand, are more tendon-specific reliant, particularly in their elbows. Build muscle too quickly for your tendons to keep pace and your elbow and/or shoulder will shred apart. Although, pitcher Darryl Kile dying at 33 of "hardening of the arteries" chops the legs out from under that argument.)
I've analyzed statistical trends from the 2001 through the 2004 seasons in comparison to power numbers from the first half of 2005. Some not-so-strange anomalies were discovered. For those that say this sample pool is not large enough, bite me; it's still very conclusive. As a way of presenting these findings, I've divided baseball's steroid community into the following five categories: Founding Father Cheaters, Suspected Cheaters, Sneaky Cheaters, Big Huge Cheaters, and Grand Master Cheaters. And there may or may not be a bonus cheater category at the end.
The Founding-Father Cheaters
We've already got a man down in this category. And I've heard rumors that both McGwire and Canseco have hired Bob Villa to caulk up the respective holes in their hearts with tile grout.
Jose Canseco The unabashed steroid cheat. He's really dumb and he's really broke (trust me, he spent his entire book advance on hair products already), but at least he's honest.
Ken Caminiti - RIP In 1995, Kenneth received not a single vote for MVP and his Padres finished next to last in the division. In 1996, presumably just after he began using steroids, he swept all twenty-eight first-place MVP votes and the Padres leapt into first place. Ken Caminiti used the juice to "earn" himself the 1996 MVP and help his Padres to the National League West title. For me, seeing Kenny throw a baserunner out by ten feet while he was sitting on third base was my moment of cheater realization. And I'm sure his heart exploding in New York City in 1996 at the age of 41 had nothing to do with his steroid use.
Mark McGwire His performance earlier this year at the Congressional hearings single-handedly turned me against him. His quote, "steroids is bad," didn't help matters either. McGwire broke Maris' home run record, lifted his three-hundred pound eight year old above his head in celebration, and then ran for the hills of retirement for cover. He sensed the storm coming.
The Sneaky Cheaters
The sneaky cheaters are the guys to whom you really haven't given much thought. Neither has the media, for whatever reason. But they're cheaters nonetheless and they need to be exposed.
Gabe Kapler- Boston Red Sox Gabe was never more than a clubhouse spark plug in Boston and / or Texas, but I find it odd that he chose this year to dart off to the Little League-sized ballparks of Japan, where, coincidentally, his numbers are worse than usual. After looking at this picture, I don't need stats, nor do I need blood tests to determine whether Gabe is a cheater.
Mike Lowell – Florida Marlins Lowell is officially the king of the sneaky cheater classification. For the period 2001 through 2004, he averaged 25 home runs and it took him only 23 at-bats per each one of these dingers. How's Mike doing this year now that he's au naturel? Four home runs total. That's about one for every 90 at-bats, folks. Ouch. Hey Mike, you're not a sneaky cheater anymore.
Javy Lopez - Baltimore Orioles In retrospect, I should've created a separate category entitled "Contract Year Cheater." There's a couple on this list that would fall into it, and Javy is definitely one of them. Lopez buffed up noticeably his last year with Atlanta to increase his free agent market value. Kind of like how you buff up that old Chevelle with Armor All and Turtle Wax before trying to get a couple hundred bucks for it. Or maybe it's not like that at all, but you know what I mean. In 2003, Javy juiced up and clobbered the ball all season, enabling him to screw the Orioles out of major duckets. Since then, he's been frequently hurt and only a shell of his cheater self.
Tony Batista - Fukuoka Hawks While Mike Lowell may be the king of the sneaky cheaters, Tony Batista is the craftiest of them. He flew below the radar up in Montreal, Canada's best France impersonation, and consistently put up stellar numbers from 2001-2004, averaging nearly 30 home runs per year with a slugging percentage of .435. How has he done in the post-steroid testing era? Ask the Fukuoka fans, I have no idea. This pisser threw his piss cup in the garbage and hopped on a flight to Japan thanks to a two year, $15 million deal with the Hawks. Suckaz.
Aubrey Huff - Tampa Bay Devil Rays Remember Alex Sanchez? Yeah, me neither. But apparently he was suspended for ten days earlier this year, becoming the first major league player penalized under the sport's toughened testing rules. For those not familiar with him and the terror he'd been wreaking on Major League Baseball for the past four years, Alex Sanchez, baseball's first and prized steroid collar, has hit FOUR CAREER HOME RUNS. That's the equivalent of hunting for the world's biggest terrorist mastermind and bringing home a disgusting, disillusioned white kid who had only the ability to grow a really nappy beard. My theory is that Huff paid his teammate Sanchez about $500k to switch urine samples with him and take the rap. But apparently Huff's off the juice now, because his numbers are wretched. Once averaging a home run every 28 at-bats, Aubrey (nice name, loser) now needs more than 40 to hit one. 25 home runs per year? Better pick it up, guy; you're only on pace for 15.
The Suspected Cheaters
After having reviewed their statistics for the four years prior to the new league steroid policy in comparison to this year's first half numbers, these ballplayers fall into the "maybe" category. I'll give you an idea which way I'm leaning with regard to each player.
Frank Thomas - Chicago White Sox The last I saw Frank was on a video teleconference from what appeared to be Mogadishu during the Congressional hearings. What the hell was he doing that he couldn't make it to Capitol Hill? Sketchy. The Big Hurt's been, uh, hurt most of this season, so I don't exactly have diminished power numbers from 2005 to strengthen my case. That's why I've included the above picture. Come on, he's juiced. The prosecution rests.
Verdict: Cheater
Trot Nixon - Boston Red Sox In 2005, Nixon's power production is down comparably, and he is in fact looking a bit more svelte in that world championship uniform. His at-bats per home run ratio has increased slightly to 29:1 from 21:1, and his slugging, OPS and ISOP* have all declined. Although, "Trawt" has been plagued with both back and quadricep injuries of late.
Verdict: Innocent
*ISOP stands for "Isolated Power" and is defined as slugging percentage minus batting average.
Eric Chavez - Oakland A's This velcro-gloved third baseman was rather outspoken when the steroid controversy was at its fever pitch earlier in the year. Kind of like how you fervently deny to everyone around you right after queefing out one of your best-smelling farts. He's been coming on statistically of late, but in comparison to prior years, Chavez looks like a cheater to me. He's averaged 18 at-bats per every home run for the past four years. This year? 29. His ISOP and slugging are also down significantly. This is a tough one.
Verdict: Hung Jury
Rafael Palmeiro - Baltimore Orioles For the four year span from 2001-2004, Raffy averaged a home run every 16 at bats. In 2005, it's taking him more than 20 to get one out of the yard. Either he's off the juice, was never on it as emphasized in a finger-pointing congressional testimony moment reminiscent of Bill Clinton's Lewinsky debacle, OR it conflicts with his Viagra. Apparently, there are dangerous side effects when taking both at the same time. Regardless of why he stopped taking the juice, Raf is guiltier than OJ.
Verdict: Cheater
Luis Gonzalez - Arizona Diamondbacks While I hold a special place in my heart for Luis considering what his dinky, World Series, bloop single did to Yankee fans, I'm concerned Luis might be a cheater. While his statistical drop hasn't been as severe as others, his power numbers are definitely down. It's taking him nearly 30 at-bats to crank out a dinger these days, as compared to one every 18 times digging in the box over the past four seasons. But I think it's just that he's getting old and he misses the good old days when Curt Schilling and Randy Johnson would piss all over each other's flip flops in the shower.
Verdict: Mistrial
Jorge Posada - New York Yankees Maybe he's just upset because his reign as the ugliest guy in the clubhouse now belongs to Randy Johnson, but regardless, Posada's power numbers at the plate have been flagging in 2005. But he's no user.
Verdict: Innocent
Scott Rolen -St. Louis Cardinals Say it ain't so, Scotty. I know your shoulder's been a mess, but you've averaged 30 home runs a year for the past four seasons. This year so far? Five. I realize your at-bats are way down, but productivity ratios don't lie. I'm going to be watching you closely throughout the second half.
Verdict: Jury Still in Deliberation
The Big Huge Cheaters
Ivan Rodriguez - Detroit Tigers (I refuse to call him Pudge b/c the real Pudge is representing the Red Sox in the Hall of Fame, and that would be an insult to him.)
Ivan has two things working against him: he signed a huge deal, and then the league started testing for steroids the next year. Double whammy. By the way, did you know that Rodriguez lost forty pounds in the offseason from a "running program?" What a big fucking lying cheater.
Jim Thome - Philadelphia Phillies Is Jim Thome's career over? Rookie Ryan Howard sure hopes it is. There sure seems to be a lot of career-jeopardizing injuries affecting stars this year. Hmm? I think they should all just come out, admit what they did, and form their own league. It could be MLB's version of the XFL. He Hate (Tho)Me. But getting back to Thome's precipitous performance drop... for the past four years Jimmy-boy averaged a "backbackbackback" shot every ELEVEN at bats. That's downright silly. This year he's only hit seven home runs. That's one for every 28 at-bats. And the Phillies play in a miniature model of a major league park. Ouch.
Todd Helton - Colorado Rockies “Hi, I'm Todd and I'm a HUGE cheater." Upon analyzing Helton's numbers, I thought he got traded from Colorado without hearing about it. No more easy mile-high moon shots, I presumed. Wrong. It turns out that Todd was injecting himself with a lot of performance-enhancing drugs and then had to stop. How else can you explain his drop in power production? He's averaged 36 home runs the past four seasons, and has only hit nine thus far in 2005. Once knocking free souvenirs into the stands at a rate of one every 16 at-bats, Todd now only makes the fans happy once every 35 at-bats. Yer busted, pal.
Brett Boone - Chico's Bail Bonds Brett was released by Fox during the offseason because he was the worst commentator in the history of playoff baseball. When you make Tim McCarver look good, you should think about cutting out your tongue voluntarily. Brett was also released last week by the Seattle Mariners. And considering how much he's being paid, that's a large statement. Apparently, Seattle ownership is averse to cheaters who, now that they have stopped cheating, stink. I know, I know, Brett's in the twilight of his career. Stop it. He was cheating by injecting his ghetto booty with performance-enhancing drugs. My suggestion to you, Brett, is that you go and play some pickup hoops with your brother Aaron. Ya big cheater.
Geoff Jenkins -Milwaukee Brewers I'm a big baseball fan. And also a big stater of the obvious. I'm not a message board / rotisserie league-level fan, but a passionate one nonetheless. Until I did my homework for this piece I freely admit that I had never even heard of Geoff Jenkins. Seriously, he could've been on the pro beach volleyball circuit for all I knew. But now that I've reviewed his numbers pre- and post- the new steroid policy, I know him real well. And I also know that's he a big huge cheater. Excluding an injury-filled year in 2002, Jenkins has averaged 25 home runs per year and did so hitting one every 20 at-bats or so. This year through the first half? Eight home runs, and it's taken him 34 at-bats to hit each one. Congrats Joff, you're now a member of the prestigious "Cheee-tahh" Club.
Adrian Beltre- Seattle Mariners Adrian's not a lifetime cheater like many on this list. However, when he does cheat, he goes all-out. Faced with the scary prospect of the competitive free agent market, baseball players are often magically able to squeeze a bit more out of themselves in that final contract year. Some choose to squeeze a bit more into themselves as well. In his final season in Los Angeles, not exactly a hitter's park, Beltre belted (get it, get it?) 48 home runs. In prior seasons he averaged 20. In 2004, Adrian hit a home run every 12 at-bats. That's absurdly productive. In prior years, it took him approximately 30 to hit each dinger. This year, after the onset of the new steroid policy, Adrian's stats have strangely come back down to earth. Some would argue for Beltre and say that, well, Seattle's a pitcher's park. Those that do so are only partly correct. Adrian, you're a big huge chee-tahh, aren't ya?
The Grand Master Cheaters
Sammy Sosa - Baltimore Orioles "No your honor, I will not pop the zit on my forehead."
And Sosa corked his bat too. In 2003, Sammy claimed that he grabbed the juiced bat "by mistake", and it was the first time he'd used a corked bat during a game. Curiously, baseball fans let that cheater episode slide. Fine. But I refuse to let the steroid cheating get swept under the rug. Nine home runs this year? Come on. This douche bag has averaged nearly 50 swats per year the past four seasons. Holy shit is Sammy a huge cheater. Personally, I think that Congressional hearing scared the hell out him. He really pretended he couldn't speak English, didn't he? What happened to the "I'm so 'appy to be here's?"
Barry Bonds- San Francisco Giants Compare a Bonds rookie card from 1986, when he weighed just 185 pounds, to a recent one where he weighs an estimated 250 pounds. While most of the weight appears to have been gained exclusively in his head, Barry's muscles also got a wee bit bigger. The contrast is laughable, and it ain't from a devotion to MetRx's strawberry weight-gainer shakes. Bonds is the Grand Master Cheater, and as such, I don't even feel compelled to make an argument for that claim. However, at the age of 36, Barry suddenly skyrocketed from 34 dingers to 49 and then to 73 home runs in 2001. That sure is a copius amount of fruit sown from the labor of those extra batting cage sessions, ain't it? Fuck, what a cheater.
Jason Giambi- New York Yankees The fact that this guy is still collecting his ridiculously-sized paychecks has to be upsetting to Yankee fans. He's immobile on the basepaths, inept in the field and absolute poop at the plate. Unfortunately for Giambi, his legacy is going to be that infamous press conference at Yankee Stadium where he apologized for, um, something, but couldn't get into specifics. Signed in 2002 for $200 million, which put him slightly above the poverty level, Jason put up strong numbers his first two years with the pinstripers. Despite the fact he struck out nearly ONCE in every FOUR at bats over this period. What will Jason's stats look like for the rest of his short career now that he's off the juice? That's easy, without the cheater supplements, Jason Giambi is his brother: Jeremy Giambi. Therefore, you can use Jeremy's stat line from his last full season, which was in 2002, split between Oakland and Philadelphia: 124 Games, 313 AB's 81 Hits 20 HR's 45 RBI's .259 BA Thus far in 2005, I believe Jason's right on pace to do exactly that. Just the production you'd hope to get out of a $200 million man, eh? One question though: Jeremy admitted to doing steroids, but were they sugar pills? He obviously got ripped off. What a loser; he tried to cheat and still stunk.
BONUS CATEGORY:
The Don't Forget Me I was a Cheater Too Cheaters
Brady Anderson Last time we saw Brady he was holding hands with his partner while rollerblading through Santa Monica. For the record, he averaged about 15 home runs per year in his career, then managed to hit FIFTY in 1996. Yeah, ok Brady. Why don't you two go to the gym and pump each other. Atta boy. Oh yeah, nice sideburns. I loved "90210" as well.
Good article....but what no mention of the biggest thug in the history of baseball (Albert Belle notwithstanding) Gary Sheffield? Oh yeah he didn't know what he was taking. Sure. Or maybe he was such a gold toothed psycho path to begin with he didn't notice any Roid Rage after hanging out with his Butt-Buddy Barry and doing some cycles. Gary Sheffield is a disgrace to baseball and its pathetic that more people don't call him out. Or maybe they don't call him out because he's liable to stab you with a shiv and rape your daughter.
RFK
Nomar Anyone???
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Posted: 7/13/2005 9:50:40 AM
Not only did he "slim down" and then his power numbers dramatically drop but that guy has had more reaccuring wrist injuries than a 14 boy going through puberty. In addition he is gay and the only reason he is married to Mia Hamm is because she has a penis. Talk about your downward spiral into a washed up ball-player. Remember when people used to place him in the same category as Jeter and A-Rod... what a joke!
Gary Sheffield
Who me?
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Posted: 7/13/2005 9:51:21 AM
I have never used steroids. People think I did because I have the quickest bat in the majors and can hit the ball a country mile, but I am no user. I don't use because it shrinks your testes and, as anyone who has seen me in the shower room could tell you, that certainly has not happened. The reason I have "roid rage", which are really just pent up anger issues in general, is because I don't get the credit I deserve as one of the finest hitters in the game today. I put up numbers year after year despite constant nagging injuries that, unlike that bitch Trot Nixon, don't send me to the DL every two weeks. If anyone wants to seem some rage, put me and Trot in the boxing ring for a few rounds and watch me knock his teeth so far down his throat they fall out his asshole.
SPIKE
DK 57
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Posted: 7/13/2005 10:08:36 AM
I don't get the shot at Darryl Kile. Can't a guy with a family history of heart disease not rest in peace without you impugning his integrity. I don't recall any suspision of him coming out at all. Do you have any information on this that the rest of us don't know? Please share.
slammin sammy
cheater
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Posted: 7/13/2005 10:27:29 AM
cheating sammy loved poking big mac in the ass during their needle poking parties down the stretch of their cheating home run chase. great article.
bryan
Nice
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Posted: 7/13/2005 10:37:56 AM
I think you just raised the bar for your fellow Phat Phree writers. This is a well written article. Its clear that you put a lot of thought and time into it. It's not that "Flip-Flops" and "Chucky Cheese" aren't funny, but funny with substance wins out in my opinion.
Andy
Sheff!
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Posted: 7/13/2005 11:06:10 AM
How could you possibly write a roid article and leave out Gary "The Juicemaster" Sheffield? He has all the signs: production, big forhead and lots (and I mean LOTS) of roid-rage.
Greg
Great article
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Posted: 7/13/2005 11:07:44 AM
I'm sending it around.
However, with McGwire, the guy was already fucking huge, and he hit 49 homers his rookie season. Cut the guy some slack, he probably used only half as much as Bonds or Sosa...
Jack
Great Article
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Posted: 7/13/2005 11:30:59 AM
Its about time somebody made this list and you know ESPN won't do it.
Pete
'87 = Juiced Balls
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Posted: 7/13/2005 11:39:44 AM
If you recall, 1987 was the juiced ball year where even average hitters like Wade Boggs had lots of home runs.
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We've already got a man down in this category. And I've heard rumors that both McGwire and Canseco have hired Bob Villa to caulk up the respective holes in their hearts with tile grout. 
After having reviewed their statistics for the four years prior to the new league steroid policy in comparison to this year's first half numbers, these ballplayers fall into the "maybe" category. I'll give you an idea which way I'm leaning with regard to each player.
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