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Home of the most opponent false starts.
Before attending any football game (Pop-Warner, high school, NFL) as a spectator it is essential that you "Pre-Game". This practice differs from, but does not exclude tail-gaiting. Pre-Gaming is all about alcohol and fucking copious amounts of it. Tail-gaiting also involves alcohol but also includes grilling, tossing the pig-skin around in a very crowded public place and usually a little/moderate amount of grab-ass. However, today we are going to address Pre-Gaming before NFL games, not your nephews fuckin' pee-wee game.
1) Transportation The best method of transportation to Qwest Field in Seattle is the Metro shuttle. The prices that they charge for parking downtown are what I pay for a happy ending at the Slant Eye Salon. So my friends and I usually take the shuttle from a park'n ride. The park'n ride is a choice place to get all sorts of fucked up. It's been working since high-school, so if it aint broke...
This is also acceptable attire.
Not that kind of SeaGal.
The key to the park'n ride Pre-Game is to bring your own booze, and I mean the hard stuff. Now I know many of you are saying "Hard-A at 9:00 am, that's fucking insane!", well you know what? I have a fucking drinking problem and if you don't like it you can slurp hot tuna out of my asshole. Besides, beer is for non-believers, and if you even think about drinking wine before a football game look in your pants and then contact the lost-and-found department for your fucking cock/balls. Or just stick a tampon in your oozing vag.
2) Choose wisely A very important part of Pre-Gaming is selecting the proper liquor. My weapon of choice is bourbon. Many people go with one of the clear liquors: vodka, rum or gin; but real men drink bourbon. Lots and lots of pain assuaging, sexual appeal enhancing bourbon. God - I fucking love bourbon. Now I know that the benefit of vodka is that it mixes well with almost anything and has next to no residual odor associated with it. But when some nougat - who may or may not have a GED, but most likely an STD, is rubbing you down before you enter the game. He will feel much, much more uncomfortable touching you because you reek like a New Orleans whorehouse at low tide as you lisp "You're adorable" while rubbing your nipples.
3) Ballast A common rookie mistake when Pre-Gaming is to not eat anything before you drink and then instead of enjoying an afternoon of drunken debauchery, you're lying in your own sick on a gravel parking lot as your "friends" superglue $ 3.76 in change to your face and/or genitals. As with all Pre-Gaming decisions your choice of food prior to drinking requires meticulous planning. Stay away from any and all things bran/chili related. Basically anything that will make you shit in the next 5 hours is a big mistake. Why do you ask? Well, have you ever tried slamming a deuce on a toilet in a football stadium? It's like playing HPV roulette.
The two best food types are hot dogs/burgers and nachos. Dogs/burgers are no-brainers because they have 3 of the major food groups in them; protein (horse testicles, pig entrails, Chinese immigrants), carbs (buns -- dumbass), and vegetables (ketchup is a vegetable, just ask Reagan -- oh wait, he's dead. Toque 1 - Reagan - 0 boo-ya).
Nachos. If you're saying to yourself, "Didn't he just say to stay away from all things chili and now he's pimping nachos, WTF?" Well, I happen to love stadium nachos. Who the fuck are you to question me? This is my fucking guide. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO YOU ARE FUCKING WITH! [grabbing my junk w/ left hand & fist pumping while making choo-choo noises for 2 minutes]
---------- Moving along ----------
4) Attire They say that clothes make the man. Well I say a big fucking set of balls and inches upon inches of thick cock make the man, but I digress. What you wear to the game says a lot about you as a person, a fan, and as a God-fearing Christian. Most people rock the jersey of their favorite player. This is an always acceptable choice. Yet if your drop over $250 on a "retro" jersey you're not "cool" - you are just a fucking tool with too much money; unless of course you are black, in which case you can get away with it because of slavery and everything. Some fans sport the hat w/ team logo, which is also acceptable, but if the hat is some color other than your team's i.e. cammo pattern or pink you are a fag. A fag with poor fucking taste, unless of course you are black (see above). If you really go overboard and dress up like its fucking Halloween or a goddamn carnival you should be shot in your painted face. Especially if you're black.
5) Infiltration If you properly Pre-Gamed you should be 6 kinds of fucked up at this point, alcohol coursing through your veins like 10 Mexicans on payday. At this stage of intoxication you should have slurred speech with a voice at least 5 times louder than normal, and inhibitions cast aside like a striper's soiled g-string. But you must maintain some semblance of balance. If your drunken ass is falling all over the place there is no way you are getting into the game. You might as well be wearing a fucking turban.
If you fall down in front of the dreaded Alcohol Enforcers you can kiss your afternoon goodbye. Because when accosted by a rent-a-cop with a windbreaker and a plastic badge I turn into the Incredible Drunken Hulk. The phone conversation that occurs after said encounters/handcuffs usually goes something like this:
Toque: *slurred* - Honey? -- I'm in jail for being drunk in public.
Girlfriend: *eyes rolling, not surprised tone in her voice* - What happened this time?
Me: I'm not finished. -- Drunk in public, resisting arrest, three counts of lewdness, one of indecency, two assaults and a "hate" crime. Lousy nougats. Like Grandpa always said, "If we knew they would be so much trouble we would have just picked the damn cotton ourselves."
Girlfriend: Well I'm not bailing you out again. Don't drop the soap.
You, and your drunken buddies must stay in a pack, there is always safety in the pack. Navigate through the masses of people to your assigned seat or just sit in the area reserved for wheelchairs cause what the fuck is a cripple gonna do anyway, run over your foot? Sit back, relax, and pop the top off the fifth that you smuggled in because the guy with the room temp IQ doing the molesting at the gate didn't want to venture anywhere near your noticeably engorged joy department.
And remember: Don't drink and drive unless that's the only way to get home.
Anyone in on bets for when she does close? Put me down for October 30th, pre-halloween bash where drunken dude can't resist her Elvira costume leads to pillow talk about my dog's name.
Also, the "summer of Christine" sure didn't amount to shit did it?
"Why should I care about the shit they break? When I'm around, we eat steak!"
Posts: 2890 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/10/2007 11:39:42 AM
Did I say this would be the summer of christine? I don't remember that. Also, how do you know I didn't plan on lying to everyone and telling them I fucked my brains out this weekend? thanks for fucking that one up.
No. I did not have sex this weekend. I only went out friday night. Half the night I got stuck talking to this guy I used to hang around with, who moved back from colorado. He is not fuck material. the rest of the night, my friends paraded around my neighborhood asking everyone in every bar if they knew the cute boy who slept over my house the weekend before.
I was mortified. MORTIFIED. cute boy was not out.
then I met up with this guy who is best friends with the guy who took my virginity and who I still sleep with every 3-4 months when he is home. No one knows about this besides my roommate. However, his friend told me that he has always known about it and all the rest of his friends have known about for at least 2 years. The guy I do sometimes asked me not to tell anyone for his "career" reasons, its a long story. anyway, I promised. I never told a soul. my roommate had no choice in the matter since she saw him leave each morning.
so then I was pissed off that he can tell whoever the fuck he wants and I'm lying to some of my best friends about the person who supposedly took my virginity 2 years ago.
this sounds complicated, but I just needed to vent. thank you.
so, after leaving that guy. I wrapped myself around a street light and told my friends to leave me. that I would meet someone on their way home. my one friend's boyfriend saw me doing this and grabbed me and pulled me home and told me to go to bed, like a dad or something. I spent the next two hours with the crying drunks.
it was the worst night of my life. so there you go.
Do you need a fucking light to open up from heaven
()
Post #: 7
Posts: 786 Rank: 17 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 9/10/2007 11:43:05 AM
and a booming voice that tells you:
"Christine, start dating minorities!"
Maybe you could go Asian where you wouldn't encounter anything that would damage Queen Alice. Or maybe you could go Indian. You could get used to curry. Latin guys would like you. I know a guy from Nigeria that would pay at least 10 cows for you.
Posts: 2890 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 9/10/2007 11:47:58 AM
I did. I was perfectly fine. I didn't start to really feel it until all bars were closed and i was straddling the pole. but then I went home and finished my hot glass of pear vodka on the counter and i was out of it.
I couldn't move on saturday and I got the greatest and most disturbing news ever, but first I want everyone to comment on Toque's wonderful article before I get into it.
Its toque day, its Christine day all the time.
Filth, i hear what you're saying, but its never going to happen. You don't understand where i live.
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