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This year's NBA Finals failed to produce the excitement or the ratings that the NBA and its fans hoped would accompany Lebron James' championship premiere. While you may not have been drawn to the edge of your seat, the Finals did offer some valuable lessons. Here are the three things I learned from the 2007 NBA Finals.
Lesson 1: ABC/ESPN really want me to go and see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.
As I rolled out of bed earlier this week, I had the misfortune of catching Stuart Scott host the morning SportsCenter replay. He opened by talking about ABC's selection of the "Fantastic Four" players in each game. He went on to mention the film's full title and release date, all the while staring out of my television with one eye and undressing Scott Van Pelt with the other. I'm not sure which eye was the good one, but I like to think it was the one on Van Pelt.
Nothing adds more credibility to a telecast than announcing when a film "drops" moments into the opening story. ABC should try it on World News with Charles Gibson. I can hear the cash registers erupting already…
"Good evening America, this is Charles Gibson. 54 people were killed in a bombing South of Baghdad today. The culprit is still a mystery at this time. Speaking of mysteries, the new Nancy Drew movie opens today! Those bombers should be glad that precocious teen gumshoe isn't on their case. They'd be caught in no time."
I also learned from all the Fantastic Four trailers that Galactus appears to be a motherfucking space cloud. Great choice, fuck monkeys. Why not just make Mr. Fantastic a rubber band and The Thing a wagon wheel? I do have to admit, Jessica Alba looks hot when she's not in-fucking-visible. Who makes a movie where the one hot chick in the movie is literally invisible? How about making the Commish invisible?
Lesson 2: Shooting a basketball is hard if you're a Cavalier.
Another huge lesson that I learned from the NBA Finals is that shooting a basketball is really hard if you're a Cavalier. It wasn't even "Teaching Hellen Keller to read" hard, it was more than that. The closest comparison I can draw is "Completing a Rubik's Cube while high on heroin and dangling upside down from a burning bridge covered with bee's nests" hard. It's a good thing that I never based my life on the idea that shooting a basketball is an easy task if one is a Cavalier, because I would be in a really confused place right about now.
Lesson 3: Tony Parker poops rainbows.
Tony Parker does, in fact, poop rainbows. He is super-dreamy and terrifically spectacular. I want to wear his Starting Line-up figurine as a necklace. I not only enjoyed that he was able to score at any time he felt like it and rails Eva Longoria every night, but I also found extra joy in the fact that we were reminded about it by the commentators each and every time he touched the ball. It was awesome not having to forget how good he was and who he was fucking… besides the Cavaliers.
Posts: 771 Rank: 8 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 6/15/2007 9:52:45 AM
are abhorrent.
if your last paragraph doesn't prove that the spurs are the most boring to team to win the most boring finals ever, i don't know what will... jesus christ.
(is a john amaechi caption appropriate under parker's picture?)
I think we'd all be a lot better if we'd just agree that the Phoenix Suns won the NBA championship about a month ago. I don't care how much "team ball" the Spurs play, they are all robots. One robot just happened to be programmed to fuck Eva Longoria.
Thank fucking christ. Now if we can only convince major league baseball to either start being more like the movie major league or cut it's fucking season down to a reasonable number of games, we might get out of this summer alive.
The guy who's gonna suffer most from teh 4 game sweep of the Cavs: Michael Vick, because now all sprots news will be either actual sports stories are about baseball or more BS speculation about how many dogs died for his amusement, minute by motherfucking soul draning minute updates on that shit. Headline: the prosecutor got a cup of coffee this morning, then took a shit, we wonder when he'll be filing a formal indictment. OH and just in case you've lived in a fucking hole, we're gonna put at the end of every article, Vick's cousin was living at the house, Vick is a licensed dog breeder, and they found items associated with dogfifghting including a pry bar, carpet with blood on it, a modified tread mill, and my personal favorite, a "rape stand".
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