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Charging the Mound - Baseball
How it works: After the pitcher throws an errant fastball at the batter, the batter takes off towards the mound hoping to get in one good punch before the benches clear.
Why it's awesome: There is no guarantee that the batter comes out on top of this scuffle - just ask Robin Ventura and the guy who got laid out by Kyle Farnsworth.
Side note: When charging the mound, why drop the bat? Isn't that like deciding to rob a convenient store and then intentionally leaving your gun in the car?
The Pick and Roll - Basketball
How it works: One player sets a pick for his teammate, then rolls to the basket. At this point the player with the ball has the option to shoot the ball or pass it to the player who is now rolling to the basket for an easy deuce.
Why it's awesome: It gave John Stockton and Karl Malone something to do when they weren't out hunting or having a tightest Wrangler jeans contest.
Side note: I'm pretty sure the Chapelle skit about the blind Klan leader who didn't know he was black was based on the life of Karl Malone.
Daniel LaRusso's Crane Kick - Karate
How it works: 1. Steal the girlfriend of a high school Karate Bully. 2. Let a drunken Asian man talk you into entering a Karate tournament. 3. Hold your arms in the air like an effeminate bird and balance on one leg until said bully walks towards you. 4. Jump kick him in the face.
Why it's awesome: Almost every male currently between the ages of 27 and 35 spent the majority of their life believing this would actually work in a fight. Someone actually tried it at the last UFC pay per view.
Side note: Spending several months with an old man who likes to give you gifts and "teach you things" is not as cool as it seems in the movie.
Teen Wolf's three-point line dunk
How it works: 1. Turn into a teenage werewolf. 2. Take ball hogging to a level that would make Kobe Bryant blush (Make sure you don't let the fat kid on your team get any shots off). 3. When you are really feeling it, take off from the three-point line (or wherever you might be standing), dunk the ball Vince Carter style, and howl in the general direction of whichever cheerleader you wish to bang that night.
Why it's awesome: Teen Wolfing in general is always awesome. It allows you to nail pretty much any girl in the school, purchase beer, and learn valuable life lessons about teamwork.
Side Note: The closest I ever came to knowing a teen wolf was in junior high. A kid named Jimmy Garvin had a full mustache in 7th grade, and while it did little to help his basketball game, it did assist him in the fondling of many 13-year old fun bags.
The 38-step drop, 85 yd touchdown pass - Super Tecmo Bowl
How it works: Take the snap and run back to the opposite endzone. Just as the opposing safety thinks the play is over, he will walk to the sideline and try to score some 8-bit cheerleader trim. As this happens you launch a monstrous touchdown pass. It doesn't matter which arrow you pick, the receiver is almost always open and ready to zig-zag horizontally into the endzone for a slow motion spike.
Why it's awesome: Unlike today's video games that require you to use all of your fingers, you could play super tecmo bowl using only your thumbs, and while completely stoned - The way God intended it.
Side Note: Warren Moon was the greatest video game QB of all time. If you disagree, you obviously are a racist.
Macho Man's Elbow Drop
How it worked: As the lovely Elizabeth stood by wearing some lacey ball gown and preparing his steak dinner, Macho Man ascended to the top rope to deliver the most bad ass, devastating, high flying elbow drop imaginable.
Why it's awesome: Before he lost his mind and began wearing full body zebra spandex and a cowboy hat, Macho Man was the shit. He once "crushed" Ricky Steamboat's larynx with a ring bell just because he didn't think Japanese people should sport mullets.
Side Note: Macho Man's rap album was inexplicably shunned by the Grammys. AGAIN. Snap into a slim jim.
Fake the throw back to the pitcher/hide ball in glove/tag out cocky son of a bitch leading off first base - little league
How it works: The first basemen pretends to throw the ball back to the mound and then resumes his defensive position. If the runner then leads off the base, the first basemen tags him out.
Why it's awesome: Kids are inherently stupid. Also, as a little league first baseman, it's about the only "play" you'll ever get to make. Other than that, it's pretty much two hours of pre-pubescent throws bouncing off your shins.
Side note: When was the last time you ordered a suicide? Order one at an expensive restaurant and walk out if they don't immediately know how to make it.
Big Head On - NBA jams
How it works: hold down a few buttons during the tip off screen of Jams or befriend someone who works for Balco.
Why it's awesome: Getting your big head on didn't really help your abilities all that much, but it certainly had to fuck with your opponents. Imagine the daunting task of trying to box out Rocky Dennis from the movie Mask.
Side note: The first version of NBA Jams featured the wosrt two man squad of all time; a Minnesota Timberwolves team that consisted of Christian Laettner and Chuck Person. Boom-shakka-lakka!
Stallone's Over The Top arm wrestling maneuver
How it works: Simple. Turn your hat around and become "like a machine." Just as arm wrestling defeat seems unavoidable, move your first three fingers over your opponents and crush his sweaty truck driving hand beneath yours.
Why it's awesome: Someone actually thought it was a good idea to make a movie about a custody battle, truck driving and arm wrestling. And because I've seen said movie 837 times.
Side Note: If this move always worked, why wouldn't you just start every match with it? Why waste time with the arm wrestling foreplay?
Tiger Punch - Mike Tyson's Punchout
How it works: This crazy Indian mother fucker (dot, not feather) was somewhat easy to defeat, but when he decided it was time to give you the tiger punch, you had better watch out. He could disappear and then reappear while punching you.
Why its awesome: Did you read that last sentence? He could fucking disappear!
Side Note: Every time I hear of another Mike Tyson drug scandal I like to imagine a scene where he, King Hippo, and the Great Tiger are all sitting outside some shady apartment looking to score some crack from Soda Popinsky.
Side, Side note: The Tiger Punch should somehow be added to the new sexual manuevers list.
Most of these are a given and almost like they are being written for Christine since she doesnt know much about sports. But there are some great twists (like the 13 year old fun bags) that make it a good read.
Instead of the elbow drop I would add the figure four leg lock
For golf I would add the "flop" shot. Watching your highschool buddies trying to hit a flop shot only to hit the ball mid way up and worm burn it into the lake is always a good laugh.
Posts: 16 Rank: 188 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
chillicothe, IL
Posted: 2/13/2007 10:14:26 AM
vidoe games should adopt a new control layout. not classic, inverted, or any of that other garbage. if i'm fucking mashed i can't comprehend that nonsense. there should be a layout that uses minimal buttons and can be selected by choosing the on-screen keg. if anything atleast there should be an intoxication handicap offered.
Posts: 808 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 2/13/2007 10:16:17 AM
calling your flop shot (as you lie at 1 over par on the fringe), claiming that "just like phil, us lefty's are natural's at the flop," then wormburning it right into the stick and dropping into the cup...
is the only approriate time to tell your buddy (who just made you whip out your dick for duffing one short of the ladies tee-box) - "you can carry my bag if you want"
how about the hulkster's "the boot" where he just lifted his foot up and the other douchebag ran right into it like a blind person with downs.
good call deuce. I love how wrestling has adapted it's own laws of physics, as in when someone throws you into the ropes, you are somehow unable to stop running until you are met with a big shoe to the face or a back body drop.
I would have beaten that towelhead's ass if he didn't keep disappearing on me. However, I did steal his snake and used it on one of my many girlfriends.
Posts: 43 Rank: 120 Joined:
12/15/2006
Location:
south of the border, Mexico
Posted: 2/13/2007 12:47:46 PM
Speaking of Hogan moves, how about the "Hulk Hogan Test"? To see if an opponent is in fact knocked out, the Hulkster lifts the guy's wrist and lets it drop back to canvas, confirming that he has no fight left in him.
It's a good move to use on dates after her seventh rum & coke.
Thank you... this is one of my new favorite articles. Probably second behind Ethan Albright. Perhaps because of its relevance and moments it reminded me of:
Walter payton able to run a circle around whole teams in tecmo bowl. and CHRISTIAN FUCKING OKOYE!! It took at least 8 guys to tackle him!
And that minor league guy who set a whole new standard by kicking the catcher in the facemask before charging the mound.
Shane McMahon (of all people) took the elbow drop to a new level when he jumped of the cage and through the broadcast table. -Why is it that the spanish broadcast table never survives a pay per view??-
And I have seen teen wolf live! I help coach a middle school basketball team and we had a 7th grader with a goatee thicker than that fag Jim Rome's!!!
Posts: 693 Rank: 3 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 2/13/2007 1:20:33 PM
You never disappoint.
And good call on all the Hogan moves. What about right before the boot/legdrop of doom when the opponent would punch Hogan a bunch of times and he would wag his finger? I think the stupidest thing to do is to punch a guy who is roided out and shaking a finger at you. Well, that and trying to beat up Nolan Ryan. Stupid Ventura...
I would ahve to think twice about charging anyone that throws it 105 MPH or so. Im guessing they probably hit pretty hard. Clemens, Prior, Gibson, etc. All big men, all power pitcher, all have tree trunk legs. Im taking my bat and a gun.
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
The Pick and Roll - Basketball
Daniel LaRusso's Crane Kick - Karate
Teen Wolf's three-point line dunk
The 38-step drop, 85 yd touchdown pass - Super Tecmo Bowl
Macho Man's Elbow Drop
Fake the throw back to the pitcher/hide ball in glove/tag out cocky son of a bitch leading off first base - little league
Big Head On - NBA jams 
Stallone's Over The Top arm wrestling maneuver 
Tiger Punch - Mike Tyson's Punchout 
