"Moondog" Darryl Samson, a celebrated Alabama fairground wrestling champion in the early nineteen eighties, had his magnificent career tragically cut short during the 1985 Slambonanza: Wrestling Show, Tractor Pull, and Pie Eating Competetion, when a steel chair shot delivered to the pelvis by El Fantastico rendered him monoplegic.
The selected excerpts that follow were found in a loose-leaf journal that Moondog kept stapled to the inside of his crippled left thigh.
May 17, 1987
Woke up around 11:30, put my dog Duke in a headlock. Ate toast and jam. Drank three glasses of milk. Rode bicycle to new job. Suplexing customer on to the hood of their car when they do not tip you is even more frowned upon than wearing old wrestling unitards to work. Must re-read Food Lion employee handbook.
June 5, 1988
Woke up in a questionable liquid. Most likely my own urine. Put Duke in a figure-four leg lock. Drank two Busch Lights. Flossed. Searched through classified section of the paper. Peed off the front porch. Made championship belt out of cardboard cereal box. Tasted my own tears for the very first time. Rented Robocop on beta.
December 10, 1989
Alabama's golden boy
Woke up spooning a Dennys waitress who appeared to have a mustache. On the way to the kitchen, put Duke in a full nelson. Balanced my checkbook. Drank carrot juice and whisky. Peed on the couch. Dennys waitress unsuspectingly bludgeoned me in the head with a folding chair, stole 20 dollars, and pushed over my fish tank.
February 22, 1991
Woke up in yet another questionable liquid. Possibly the blood of a transient. Drank seven Busch Lights. Body Slammed Duke through the kitchen table. Finished a Crossword Puzzle. Skipped breakfast and threw a rock through a neighbors window with note attached challenging them to a battle royal. They declined. Back of the Police car not as comfortable as it appears on the COPS television program.
April 9, 1992
Woke up beneath the I-65 interstate bridge. Drank Listerine out of an old shoe. Named my scabs. Stood on corner of Peagrum and 5th challenging local traffic to a no holds barred cage match in exchange for food. No takers. Applied firm wristlock to a school crossing guard before being mercilessly kicked in the balls by three sixth graders.
The bitter end
May 14, 1992
Woke up in parking lot of old fairgrounds. Drank oily puddle of water. Yelled at God. Injected found can of shoe polish in between toes with needle borrowed from transvestite tilt-a-whirl operator as Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen played on nearby loud speakers. Must live to wrestle another day.
Please Stop Posted: 8/11/2005by: Carl you cannot write stuff this funny bc i look at this site at work and had a very difficult time controlling my laughter and not drawing attention to myself with that hilarity kyle Posted: 8/11/2005by: dude Jeez, thanks for the link but you sort of fucked up the whole article. wow Posted: 8/11/2005by: kyle didn't realize how i'd fuck up the comment board with that link. Oh my God Posted: 8/11/2005by: Lisa You had me at Named my Scabs, and the transvestite tilt-a-whirl operator. hilarious! Mr. Trying to Help Posted: 8/11/2005by: matt That was fucking hilarious. Mr. trying to help, go back to sucking cock. MMMM Posted: 8/11/2005by: bryan Scotch and Carrot Juice....he gets drunk, but he see's good, got it. I'm gonna go eat a turnbuckle. Thank you Steve Posted: 8/11/2005by: YoMama While the article was funny, for some reason the image of someone face-raking their dog and humping the Ultimate Warrior pillow made me laugh out loud.
Me? I'm putting the Von Erik Claw on my supervisor and challeging Accounts Payable to a Lumberjack Match.
Then I'm going to beer bong vanilla extract mixed with Aqua Velva. I call it the Thrilla in Vanilla HA Posted: 8/11/2005by: Atlas pushed over my fishtank, hairy bully. Hey Kid-O Posted: 8/11/2005by: Douglas Way to go Brando, I knew you had it in you. You been saying your prayers, eating your vitamins. funny funny shit. Now thats funny Posted: 8/11/2005by: Jack Poor duke.
