 | I took a nap under the stairs during Angra. |
So I havent met my two-article-a-month quota recently, and it has thrown many of you into a panic. I hear there were riots in Puerto Rico, and a rice famine in Vietnam. Sorry guys, my bad. Dont worry about your children; Im sure Madonna will take care of them. So where have I been? Ive heard a couple of rumors from worried fans:
A. I broke my hands.
B. I contracted cholera.
C. I was on the Oregon Trail.
D. I was fucking your mom.
E. Date rape.
F. Because my penis is too big (bigger than Charlie DeMarco's ).
If you think any of those are true, throw yourself an ice cream (only instead of ice cream, it's Benadryl) party because you're WRONG LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER (although I did utilize date rape to fuck your mom with my dick that's bigger than Charlie DeMarco's, but that's not the reason I was gone).
The truth is, I went on a spiritual journey of sorts. An exercise in Shredism , self discovery, and air guitar skills: I was in Tokyo for a total heavy metal meltdown where I watched these bands play (written in heavy metal bold):
IRON MAIDEN
SLAYER
DIO
MEGADETH
OPETH
ARCH ENEMY
DRAGON FORCE
ANTHRAX
NAPALM DEATH
LAMB OF GOD
MASTODON
IN FLAMES
CHILDREN OF BODOM
AS I LAY DYING
UNEARTH
KILLSWITCH ENGAGE
THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER
My ears were ringing for three days. The best metal hangover I've ever had.
Since I've lived in Japan for seven years I don't have any crazy Gajin culture shock stories like, "OMFG I used chopsticks," or "I ate raw fish, how cool is that??" or even a "Tucker has sex with an Asian hooker, hilarity ensues, " in which I'd over-exaggerate a typically plain story for the enjoyment of frat-boys across America because after all, I am a one man Neo-Gonzo movement, Hunter S. Thompson without the skill, a master of digression. But I digress...
What I experienced on my short trip to Tokyo was a spiritual exodus, an intercultural heavy-metal genesis on an unpartitioned floor as magical as the miasma of sweat, body odor and beer that lined the walls of the concert stage, an air-guitaring, circle-pitting, oceanic landscape of metal heads celebrating the only thing that's true in the world: pure unbridled fucking metal.
A day after arriving in Narita National Airport and getting lost on the trains for six hours, I found myself collapsed on a lawn chair, my Between The Buried and Me shirt soaked, half my sweat the other half accumulated by the collective excrements of at least thirty other people I grew intimately close with in the mosh pit. My jeans were frighteningly damp, possibly from the same reasons. It was damn cold and my lips were more chapped than Mary Poppins vagina. I was beaten, cold, hungry and out of breath. But none of that mattered, as I was among 29,000 other metal heads in Japan's capital, celebrating something we all love in its most primitive form: by pushing and shoving each other to death. By the end of the night our knuckles would be dragging on the floor, giggling like we just lost our virginity.
In a way we did just loose our virginity, in a metaphorical sense of course; a metaphorical sense that I will let you, the readers decipher because I myself still cannot. On October 14th and 15th, 29,000 Japanese citizens, five Brazilians, and assorted Americans all lost our virginity in the heart of Tokyo (well, it's not really the 'heart of Tokyo' there, but it was for that weekend), in "The Most Heaviest Metal Festival in Japan," Loud Park 06' . For dessert was the Iron Maiden A Matter of Life and Death world tour at the Nippon Budokan one week after the fest. Sixteen bands in two weekserupted in my pants. Yes, a heavy metal explosionin my pants.
Some highlights:
DIO: The huge, drunk, Japanese guy getting carried away with his fists in the air screaming RONG RIVE ROCK AND ROLL. And of course Dio, the fucking man, giving each of us a taste of how glorious the demon horns can be. Ronnie would just flash the horns out of nowhere and we would all be in awe, then we would look at our own horns and realize how pathetic they are. Some walked away in shame. Some melted on the spot. Some amputated their entire arm. Rong rive rock and roll.
SLAYER: That guy: (upon being the last person to realize that Tom Araya is introducing the song Cult): CULT! ITS FUCKING CULT! FUCK YEAH! THEYRE PLAYING CULT!!! When Tom screamed ARE YOU READY FOR WAR??? (introducing the song War Ensemble for you newbs). The subtle sound of rain was heard. That was the sound of everyone pissing their pants.
MEGADETH: Hangar 18 and Holy Wars. The whole place went nuts and a volcano came out of nowhere.
OPETH: The start and stop moshing (anyone who listens to Opeth knows what Im talking about) that seemed a bit pointless
ARCH ENEMY: Before the show: On one end was the people waiting for the Arch Enemy concert, on the other end was the Dir En Grey concert, who are just this ridiculous Visual Kie (Japanese goth-glam?) band. While the ENTIRE Arch Enemy side was laughing at them, all the Dir En Grey kids were jumping up and down and thinking, this is so hardcore! During the show: The entire place turned into a giant 5,000 person pit, and I wasnt ready for it. Now a bombardment of Arch Enemy references: The ravenous crowd was out for blood, bringing out the beast of man.
DRAGON FORCE: They shot lasers from their guitars, killing twelve unassuming concert-goers. Hungry moshers happily ate the remains.
ANTHRAX: Scott Ian speaking Japanese, and quite well.
 | They totally pwned. |
NAPALM DEATH: Its Napalm Death.
LAMB OF GOD: Getting kicked in the head, then while moving around and trying to get a better view, I found a great spot and thought, wow, why is it so open here? Not a second later the fear hit me, as I realized I just walked into the middle of the wall of death (where the crowd separates into two sides, and when the song kicks in, the two sides charge at each other, like in Braveheart, but instead of warriors fighting a war, its a bunch of Lamb of God fans doing it for no reason whatsoever). I looked to my left and to my right and saw the same thinga bunch of crazy fuckers charging at me with the wrath of Hot Topic in their eyes. So, I ran the fuck away. Before the show: The moshing started even before the band came on, and of course, someone got hurt. Namley, a lost contact. All movement ceased and it looked as though every member of the pit were playing freeze-tag, and they all got tagged at the same time. Luckily, the victim retrieved his lost contact, pulled his eye open like a goatse for the eyeballs, and stuck it back in, right there in the middle of the pit. He blinked a few times, and the crowd cheered for a second, then continued moshing. It was heavy metal altruism at its best. It was very Japanese.
MASTODON: Really not much to say here, the show was alright. Theyre really not too popular in Japan. The sperm whale poster from Leviathan that hung behind them was pretty cool, because hey, its a sperm whale.
IN FLAMES: One of the most metal things I saw: a girl running away from the pit, crying. But now that I think about it, I dont think she was crying at all, but that was just her normal face. It just got all burned up and melted in the 2,000 degree temperatures of the circle pit. Later on, I saw a girl falling down (in slo-mo, of course) and in the near riot-like temperament of the crowd, she would have surely been crushed and died a pretty awesome death. But being the gallant man that I am, I reached over a whisked her away to safety. After saving her life, I was pulled away by the undertow of the crowd, and she turns around as we make eye contact, reaching for each other as were both being pulled away (this is also in slo-mo). Sad music plays as we both fall out of view from each other. And after the show she would come up to me and say something like you saved my life, and Id say thats just what I do, babe and walk away never to be seen again, to go masturbate alone in my hotel room.
CHILDREN OF BODOM: Alexi Laihos MCs: the entire show he would say things like You fuckers! Loud fucking Park motherfuckers! Fucking fucker fuck! But before their last song his whole mood changehe approached the mic with a sober look on his face and says guys, Im soo sorry.butthis is our last song. I wish we could play all night, but you know, there are rules. From the bottom of my heart, Im sorry. I thought he was about to cry, and that made me cry a little bit. I havent seen a display of sadness like that since 9/11.
AS I LAY DYING: Two things: The tall, mid-thirties Indian looking guy wearing sport goggles, and the weird Goth kid with very feminine features. It was one of those things that you just couldnt stop staring at, because youre just so weirded out about it.
UNEARTH: I always though the singer seemed like kind of an asshole. Good show either way though.
KILLSWITCH ENGAGE: The guitarist was annoying. In the middle of the crowd was a giant black dude, the only black guy in a crowd of 29,000. I see him telling guys to go up, so I figure hes giving lifts for crowd surfers. What a nice guy. So I go up to him and he says hey, man! Lift me up! This guy is easily four times my size. I say fuck it, alright man, you fucking ready?!?! I grab him by the legs and it doesnt do a goddamn thing. About ten other guys come and we all lift him up. The camaraderie was truly heartwarming. He gets about six feet until he just falls. There was one assman in there, elbowing people and pissing everyone off. Were not at a Hatebreed concert in the OC, you douche. In the tide changes of the crowd, I found my self pretty close to the band at one point, and then an instant later I was towards the back. One time while I was around the middle somewhere, I unknowingly had my arm around some girls waist, almost holding her. Im smooth like that.
THE BLACK DAHLIA MURDER: Was constant attention getting battle between the lead singer and the rhythm guitarist. In the craze of the pit, I found myself very inappropriately rubbing up against some girl. When I tell all my friends that I got laid in Tokyo that is what Im referencing.
Going back to the hotel on the train was hell, jam packed with stinky metal dudes, and unassuming business women that have no idea what just went on. The trains to and from the concert are all filled with camouflage pants and Megadeth shirts, eliminating my need for a map and ensuring that I wont get lost. All of them, sitting diligently, a huge smile on their faces, but its the kind where youre trying not to smile which in effect creates an even bigger smile.
It was a full on two-day metal exertion that lasted a total of twenty-four hours (twelve hours each day, idiot).
I had a week to recover.
I went back home, bragged to anyone who would listen, then I was off again, back to Tokyo for IRON MAIDEN.
What can I say, it has always been a dream to see them live, and even though I was up in the nose bleeds, it ruled my ass. I found it funny that that guy from the Slayer show was there too. When Bruce asks the crowd, Hey does anyone have the time? on about the third time he asked that guy prevails: Oh! Oh! Its TWO MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT!!! HEY!! TWO MINUTES TO MIDNIGHT!! YESSSSS!!!
What can I really say about Maiden? There was a giant tank manned by none other than Eddie, and of course, Eddie came out during (I think) Hallowed Be Thy Name dressed in fatigues. These colors dont fucking run.
Finally, I would like to leave you with probably the most metal thing I saw on the trip:
 | If you look closely, you can tell that that is a picture of Opeth I took with my cell phone. |
If any of you have been to Japan, you would know how infested it is with business men. Faceless, emotionless, independent creatures they are, I suspect they produce them in a giant vat in the back of the train somewhere. Two of them sat in front of me at the Maiden concert. Straight from work they came, briefcase in tow, still smelling of toner and fax paperjust like every other business man in Japan. But theyve got brand new Maiden swag and air guitar skill, and in metal, that is all you fucking need. They changed into their brand new shirts, tied an Iron Maiden towel around their head, and AIR GUITARED THE ENTIRE SHOW. They were easily rocking out harder than anyone in our section at least. And it wasnt just some disjointed half-ass air action, it was synchronized.
Thats what heavy metal is all about, you fuckers. Its not about fashion, its not about labels, and its not about being cool. Metal is a celebratory event where we can all come together, whether it be for a two day fest or a couple hours, and share something we all have in common. Whether youre in the pit or the outer fringes, whether youre in the nose bleeds or right up front, were all the same. Were all screaming GOD HATES US ALL together, were all hamonizing to Fear Of The Dark together, we all know what the fuck is going down when we hear the first note of Rainbow in the Dark. I dont care who you are, where youre from, or what you do for a living; because all that matters is that we both love Slayer. Or Dio. Or Iron Maiden. All that matters is that we both fucking rock, man. And if we cant do that, if we cant all just come together and have a good timethat is what will truly kill metal. There shouldnt be fights, there shouldnt be asshole elitist hardcore fucks elbowing people, there shouldnt be bitching and moaning about whats metal and whats not. The only thing I want to see is your horns raised up, air guitar in tow, and being happy that we have this crazy little thing called Heavy Metal. And if we cant even do that, then go celebrate your little sisters sweet sixteen party, because youll fit in better there.
Now lets air guitar this next solo back-to-back. Thatll be rad.
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