 | she's wearing leather, and she's with him. |
Joe Theismann: Welcome to Bristol! This is Joe Theisman joined in the booth today by Joe Morgan and Bill Simmons. This years ESPN company picnic 3 on 3 basketball tourney came down to Team Leather: Chris Boomer Berman, Tom Tommy Jackson, and Michael That Aint Mine Irvin. Vs. Team Boo-yah: Stuart You Better Recognize Scott, John Fat Moron Kruk, and Scott Dewey Beach Bad Boy Van Pelt.
Joe Morgan: Todays game is going to come down to which team can score the most points.
Theismann: I agree.
Bill Simmons: Hey, you guys remember when Brandon and Steve entered that 3 on 3 tournament at CU, and their teammate ODed before the championship game? Well, dont rule out a replay of that scenario with Irvin and Team Leather.
Theismann: Heres Kruk vs. Berman for the tip. Which ever team wins the jump ball has a good chance of scoring first.
Joe Morgan: Great point, Joe.
Theismann: And Boomer beats Kruk to the ball! Possession, Team Leather.
Bill Simmons: Good Lord, I havent been that disturbed by the sight of human flesh since Dirk Diggler unleashed the baby arm in Boogie Nights.
Theismann: Tommy Jackson, running point for Team Leather, feeds it to Irvin for three, and he buries it!
Michael Irvin: The U baby, The U!
Tom Jackson: Are you retarded?
Stuart Scott: Michael, Michael, Michael cant you see sometimes your threes just hypnotize me!
Theismann: Stu Scott brings the ball up court for Team Boo-Yah. Stus sporting Jordans Carolina throwback uni. For some reason the jersey seems to be wrinkled, stiff, and tinted slightly yellow.
Joe Morgan: Youve got to love Boomers intensity; hes slapping the floor the way Pete Rose used to run to first after a walk and a diet pill.
Bill Simmons: I agree Joe; hes just a buzz cut and a DWI away from being the starting point guard for Duke.
Theismann: Stu no look passes the ball into the fourth row and hits Linda Cohn in her horse mouth.
Scott Van Pelt: Oh, thats a great passfor me to poop on!
Stu Scott: Like gravy on a biscuit, its all good.
John Kruk: (gasping for air) Now youre speaking my language, Stu.
 | just call him 'carwash', cuz he's automatic |
Theismann: Boomer inbounds to Jackson, who hits Irvin on the wing. Michael drives and soars for the dunkbut is rejected by Van Pelt!
Van Pelt: Dont bring that Kool-Aid to a gin party!
Joe Morgan: If Michael had made that dunk, it would have been two points.
Theismann: Excellent point, Joe. That tends to get overlooked whenever an offensive player misses a shot.
Bill Simmons: Hey guys, does Van Pelt look like a bald Coach Reeves from The White Shadow or is it just me?
Theismann: Van Pelt heaves the rebound the length of the court to Kruk, whos been doubled over since the last possession. The ball slips through Kruks sweat-soaked hands and drills him in the gut. Kruk is down.
Stu Scott: He treats him like a dogSit. Stay.
Joe Morgan: Hell be fine. The man used to be a professional baseball player.
Theismann: Kruk does not appear to be moving. Thats not usually a good sign.
Bill Simmons: Wow, call Van Pelt Roddy Piper because I havent seen an inanimate object take someone out like that since Super Fly Snuka took a coconut off the dome in Pipers Pit.
Stu Scott: Come on Krukker, the lord said you gots to rise UP!
After a brief Intermission
Theismann: The game has been called due to the death of John Kruk. Final Score: Team Leather 3, Team Boo-Yah 0. Were now joined by the players to get their thoughts on the events that just took place.
Boomer: Thanks Joe. Just a huge loss. We not only lost a colleague and friend today, but truly one of the great athletes of our timeJohn Kruk, from
Tom Jackson: Allegany Community College!
Stu Scott: Lord knows he made his kinfolk proud: Pookie, Ray-Ray, Moesha and them.
Michael Irvin: Playmaker: 3, Fat, Dead, White guys team: 0.
 | Makes the homies say ho, makes the girlies want to scream |
Bill Simmons: Kruk, You were the Best! Around!
Morgan: Well, youre either living or youre not, and if youre not, youre dead.
Theismann: Couldnt have said it better myself, Joe. Until next year.
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