I am fully convinced movie quoting is an art form; Do it wrong, use the wrong quote in the wrong situation and your social standing among those in the know plummets faster than you can say were going streaking! But, do it rightdrop a perfect fit quote on the fly, mid conversation, and, well, youve got something sweeter than yoo-hoo.
The gamut of quoters and quotes runs from novice to pro. The Five Pillars:
The Novice
Favorite Movies: The Waterboy, Deuce Bigelow, Joe Dirt. Has a limited ability to pick up on humor, likes to drop the most obvious, annoying quotes from the most annoying movies in random situations. Likes to yell things like You can do it! while drunk at the bar. Most likely has at least one Looney Toons character tattoo, probably the Tasmanian devil.
The Pseudo Intellectual
Favorite Movies: All things Woody Allen and Monty Python. Hes strictly high brow humor. Refuses to allow himself to be amused by anything too obvious or sophomoric. If there's ever a neurotic Jewish comic with a British accent, these people will instinctively flock to him like the Salmon of Capistrano.
The Whipped Guy
Favorite Movies: Tommy Boy, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore the last movies he saw while still single. Lost his identity, and sense of humor, when he gained his girlfriend. Tries hard to keep up by referring to fat girls as tons of fun, and hot girls as fine pieces of ace while out with his buddies, but just serves as a painful reminder that he now considers Fever Pitch a good movie, and that Jimmy Fallon is actually pretty funny.
The Up and Comer
Favorite Movies: Napoleon Dynamite, Dumb and Dumber, Zoolander. Able to keep up in conversation and is smart enough to appreciate stupid humor, just lacks experience. Shows promise by recognizing the genius of Summer Wheatleys boyfriend in the Happy Hands scene of N.D., and gives affirmative responses to questions by saying no doubt, no doubt in my mind.
The Pro
Favorite Movies: Appreciates all the classics equally. A true connoisseur. Built over a lifetime of study, trial and error, this modern-day F. Lee Bailey has a mental reference rolodex at the ready for every situation thrown at him:
-Dressing up for a special occasion? I look like a banker or I look like a cock sucking fag.
He runs a little hot
-Hot girl, with her fat friend, giving you the eye at the bar? Hi. Not you (to the hot one), Hi (to the fat one).
-Introduced to someone with a dark complexion? What part of Mexico are you from?
-Friend insults your mother? (turning to other friend), You tell that mick he just made my list of things to do today (bonus points if the friend is scottish)
-Attending a funeral? Thats a hell of a damn grave. I wish it were mine.
-Buddies picking you up to go out? (once inside car) It stinks like sex in here
-In a conversation where the other person wont stop talking about themselves? (interrupting) I doonnn't caaaarrrrre.
-Someone compliments your new car? Thanks. Shes not exactly street legal. (shes completely legal)
His father may only be a doctor, but they manage.
-See a buddy chatting up an unattractive female? (casually walking by) Even bull dykes can get pregnant.
-Out to eat with the girlfriend and her parents, and a young girl walks by your table? Aw shit, would you look at that
If you were able to place the above quotes with their owners, consider yourself a pro. And probably incapable of original thought. But so what? Columbus wasnt looking for America but that turned out to be pretty okay for everyone. Know what I mean? Youre here.
shameless Posted: 11/6/2006by: m.o. someone tell wes anderson that billy reamer is the worst pseudonym in the world. Bottle Rocket Posted: 8/28/2006by: Mike P "How did an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?" BOD Posted: 7/30/2006by: Jason I'm really sorry you're mom blew up Ricky.
Language Lessions...Inspiring words, from a man, who knows how to ski.
You know...CHRISTMAS! Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer Posted: 7/25/2006by: Jon Adams "Hey, do these balloons blow-up into funny shapes and all?"
"Well, not unless rounds funny".
-Raising Arizona, 1987 when muhammad ali is raised in conversation Posted: 7/19/2006by: grass "his mumma call him Clay, I'm gonna call him Clay"
Any time you find yourself on stage with a microphone stamp your foot and demand applause for "Sexual Chocolate........SEXUAL CHOCOLATE" and then storm off GGGR Posted: 7/19/2006by: Nate Dogg The leads are shit. The leads aren't shit; you're shit.
What's your name? Fuck YOU, that's my name. A few overlooked classics Posted: 7/17/2006by: Jeff "It puts the lotion in the basket."
"..and when there was no crawdad, we ate sand."
"This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!"
"Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey; see a doctor and get rid of it."
"Hey is this the kind of retard that drools and rubs shit in his hair and all that, 'cause I'm gonna have a hard time eatin' 'round that kind of thing now. Just like I am with antique furniture and midgets. You know that, I can't so much as drink a damn glass of water around a midget or a piece of antique furniture. "
"Say that reminds me, how'd you get that kid so darn fast? Me and Dot went in to adopt on account a' somethin' went wrong with my semen, and they said we had to wait five years for a healthy white baby. I said, "Healthy white baby? Five years? What else you got?" Said they got two Koreans and a negra born with his heart on the outside. It's a crazy world."
Wow, I Missed another big day Posted: 7/17/2006by: Tom A One thing the article should have mentioned is that when you do quote a movie, get the quote right. Lots of misses in the comments, people.
Joe K. and Deuce - where were/are the MP quotes? No one to cover for me? Don't tell me that being categorized as a "Pseudo Intellectual" scared you off (we've all been called worse, and by better people).
"Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great! If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate!" Quote Posted: 7/17/2006by: R I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning, after the navy's left town. ACE Posted: 7/16/2006by: Tozer Excuse me, your balls are showing.
