This is what happened after I air guitared Slayer's
I have founded a religion.
Its more of a way of life actually. Its like Zen and Hell combined into one, times a million billion. My religion is called Shredism. The basic idea is that any world problem or personal travesty can be cured by simply picking up your air guitar and ROCKING OUT REALLY HARD. Yes, I know Ive just touched you in a special way, because sometimes I use the caps lock to convey emotions I just cant contain. There is a FIRE INSIDE ME and I want it to spread to you, too. We will take over the world like a forest fire, one hammered scale at a time.
The origin of shredism is an epic story in itself. It all started one crazy night in the City, driving along the highway and doing cocaine off the steering wheel. Glam metal was at its peak, and I tell ya, the hairspray was treating my mullet good that night; it had a special shimmer that just felt right.
Just as the clock struck midnight, a flock of police cars appear of out the monsoon of dust my red Pontiac was leaving behind. Their sirens were blazing and the flashing red lights were burning up my rearview mirror. I didn't know what to do when the police pulled me over; I was panicking and living on a prayer. The fuzz asked me for my license and it was at that dramatic moment, a moment reenacted countless times in my mind in slow-mo, that my destiny in life was finally realized- that something just clicked within my soul.
I knew at that point the meaning of my life, to become a metal prophet and lead my followers into the Kingdom of Steel. Instead of giving him my driver's license, I gave him my license to rock and before the cop could muster up a reply, I punched him in the face and drove off, my license spinning on the ground like a dredel, leaving a trail of fire behind me.
A glance at the gas meter said E, and E meant danger, but I fucking floored the bitch and pushed the limits of everything that could be pushed.
It felt as though nobody cared if I lived or died that night, so I grabbed my favorite Bon Jovi cassette tape and put some fucking action in my life. This was the New Me, a Me that would eventually pave the metal brick road to salvation. There were at least fifty police cars trailing me, in addition to three choppers and six Air Force jets, all in hot pursuit of a red Pontiac Firebird. My body was telling me to unleash the metal dragon onto the fuzz, but my mind, seasoned with years of metal wisdom, was holding me back. As I approached a small-yet-populated bridge, I knew it was time.
Grabbing the black Jackson V that I was gonna pawn for blow from the backseat of the Firebird, I grunted Lets rock and roll under my breath; and I meant that shit LITERALLY. Needless to say, as I leapt out of the car, the Pontiac exploded into smithereens behind me as I calmly walked away, proving to the coppers that I had some fucking attitude.
The metal gods are up there, in the kingdom of steel
With the mighty ax on my shoulders, I stood poised in the patented power stance, and even though I've never played a lick in my life, the guitar erupted into the most amazing solo ever heard, causing anything within a fifty-meter radius to either die or spontaneously combust. A pillar erupted up from under me, pushing me up fifty feet higher than anyone else. Golden fireworks erupted with each hair-splitting arpeggio. Each pinched harmonic was accentuated by the mighty roar of dinosaurs resurrecting for this one magical moment. The sound of trees exploding and people melting below me were intertwining with my scale melodies, as my mullet glistened in the sheer glory of metal.
From that point on, me and the guitar were like Marilyn Manson and homoerotism; you just couldnt have one without the other. The instrument had to be an air guitar though, as a real one would simply disintegrate into ashes because my hands are so fast that the guitar explodes. I became a traveler, I walked the earth- in fact, I MADE the earth, one power chord at a time. Through extensive meditation (listening to Slayer and Judas Priest) an unbelievable level of metal prowess was reached.
I recall one time during my travels, playing a killer air-solo by the river and guess what happened? I created fucking AIDS, man. And on a separate occasion, while engaging in some major riffage, leukemia was born. While walking through Africa and playing a solo the entire way, I destroyed all of their agriculture and made all the womens boobs saggy.
One time, I played a solo so insane that the entire world heated up. Enemies of metal have disregarded this fact and have labeled this phenomenon "global warming", when the whole time it was me and my insane double-tapped solo all along.
You see, this religion is kind of like the religion of Scientology, except for the fact that this religion isn't an asinine pile of worm shit. Scientology has been making the headlines in recent news, mostly because of its celebrity advocates, namely Tom "Cocktail" Cruise. In the same way, Shredism has its very own celebrity sponsors: King Diamond, Ronnie James Dio, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, that guy from the Scorpions, and fucking Danzig. I can lead my followers in my reign in blood; and just as Jesus turned blood into wine, I can help you turn your tears into Jackson guitars.
King Diamond, the Tom Cruise of Shredism
The process is simple: whenever you are unsure about how to solve a problem in your life, just say fuck it! and flip your mullet back and shred your worries away. For example, last week my girlfriend got pregnant and we didnt know what to do. Both of us were not ready to be parents. As I sat pondering the consequences of my actions, I threw in an Iron Maiden CD and air guitared the solo to The Trooper! BOOYAH!
The solo resulted in a free abortion courtesy of the metal gods, because having babies is sooo not metal! The metal community put their demon horns in the air as I was on one knee doing the metal claw (read: gripping the invisible orange). My girlfriend came home complaining of stomach pains, and I said Dont worry baby, I just played a vicious solo that totally just killed our unborn child! Problem solved! Metal fucking meltdown! She burst into tears and ran away, probably overwhelmed by the sheer power of metal. A metal meltdown indeed.
Anything can be solved that same manner: rock out really hard, play a solo so powerful it fucking kills other worthless non-metal people (preferably by spontaneous combustion, explosion, or decapitation), and finish it off with doing the metal claw while being met with cheers and satanic metal chanting. It is my way of life, and dont let anyone tell you that its easy. Its hard to rock, but when you rock, you gotta rock hard. This is your daily mantra; now get to playing some face melting solos.
hell yeah Posted: 7/22/2006by: hicksman air guitar rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nothin better!!! wtf? Posted: 6/20/2006by: Tangent Guy I didn't get this at all. Must be a Caucasian thing. Ha! Posted: 6/20/2006by: Joe Kickass Christine, I just read this one (and comments) now. I fucking hate you.
Actually, maybe being the guy in the last pic is better. Like in the Clint Eastwood "Partner? You're crazy chief. I work alone." way.
Patrick M. Awesome. Sooooo burned! He got Punk'd! Chuck Norris + air guitar = armageddon Posted: 6/20/2006by: Holmes great article, great voice. Fucktastic! Posted: 6/20/2006by: Jus Great article. I have an ongoing war with a friend about who is more evil between Dio and King Diamond. I like Diamond, but Dio is obviously more evil because he has the magical power of ruining great Black Sabbath songs and making people's ears bleed.
Caption: Prison gang, Vice President All Gore, always made the new fish wear a top hat for his three weeks of anal initiation. Alex Posted: 6/20/2006by: Patrick M You soooo nailed him. Could you have nailed him any more? You were all, "Jack Black Much???". And he was all, "Uh, Uh, whatever." And you were all, "Thought so". Ha!! Posted: 6/20/2006by: Christine Definitely the key-tar, how did I miss that???
To appease my guilt: 3rd Picture Caption:
Featured: Joseph Kickass. Not Featured: The victim visciously stabbed by the rockers mean shred". ?????? Posted: 6/20/2006by: Alex Jack Black Much christine- Posted: 6/20/2006by: deuce not the keyboard - the key-tar. HA! Posted: 6/20/2006by: Christine It does look like a prom background!!!!
I don't know Patrick, I think you might be the guy that occasionally plays the keyboard.
I am so pathetic. I was just at lunch and this picture popped into my head and I realized that I forgot to include joe K. and i got really panicky all of sudden that he might be really hurt that he was not included. and i was thinking of ways to fix the situation. Then i realized that i am crazy and need help.
