Most people probably never heard of a man named Frederick Walton. To me, hes the most important person in history. He has effectively changed the nature of our reality. In 1860, Walton created an all-purpose floor covering that revolutionized everything that could be revolutionized. It pushed the limits of everything that could be pushed, and it broke every barrier that could be broken. It is the Jesus Christ of flooring that wasnt pussy enough to get crucified, and we call it linoleum.
The recipe for linoleum is simple, yet elegant. Its forged out of solidified linseed oil mixed with wood flour or cork dust, baby fat, Yanni songs, bone marrow, business women, and turtles. Most of this is undisclosed and kept as trade secrets. The best linoleum floors are known as inlaid, and are extremely durable as they are made of concentrated fire.
Between the time of its conception in 1860 up until the 1950s, linoleum reigned upon the world of flooring with its resilient and hypoallergenic fist; frequently shoving that said fist into the anuses any non-believers. But by the 1950s, the glory days for linoleum were over, as most linoleum floors were replaced by polyvinyl chloride. This caused a vicious chain reaction which caused millions of linoleum workers to be laid off, factories shut down and abandoned, riots broke out across the world; babies would cry for no reason, and the world saw its highest rate of crime and suicide.
In 1961, the CIA tired to kill Fidel Castro, the public theory dictates that the root cause of this assassination attempt was the movement of communism so close the borders of the United States. But I found that the true cause of this assignation was that he was trying to steal the secrets of linoleum. My pocket-pussy is made out of linoleum. So is my grill. Furthermore, Michael Jacksons face is made out of linoleum. It was his last resort.
Despite linoleums tremulous past, it remains a cult icon for kitchen and bathroom floors, and one of my favorite hobbies. When laying down linoleum, you have to remember that it is not a laughing matter. Lollygagging around may lead to dire consequences. Take for example the young Stephen Hawking. The man had everything going for himhandsome, athletic, a leather jacketand the man was getting mad pussy. One day he had an unfortunate linoleum accident, and look what happened to him. What actually happened is still up to speculation, as it is something that he still refuses to talk about. So please, take heed of this warning, having linoleum is nice, but it dont mean shit if youre a tard.
Fig. 1. Me after getting pumped.
Before laying down linoleum I like to do a few things to get my self pumped up for the job: first I watch the Karate Kid tournament-montage scene, sometimes I like to listen to music, and theres always been one song that pumps me up all the timeThe Final Countdown, by Europe. When I need that extra edge, I go out and wrestle cows. For an example of what I look like after getting pumped, please refer to figure 1.
Once youre all pumped up, youre now ready to lay down some linoleum. But first you need to have the proper attire: a tool belt filled with tools you probably wont use, hot pants (preferably white), a mesh shirt, and a hard hat. After cutting your linoleum to size, you basically just glue it onto the floor using a mastic sealer. Thats the easy part. Whats hard is the caulk.
If youre laying down linoleum in a kitchen or bathroom, you have to line the edges with caulk to make the floor waterproof. Caulk comes in many different colors and varieties, so make sure you pick the right caulk for the job. As for my own personal preference? Ive always been privy to latex caulk. Some prefer silicone caulk or butyl rubber caulk, but trust me; those versions of caulk are sub-par. My caulk is the best.
Laying down the law
When youre laying down caulk, make sure that the area is clean and that there are no obstructions, because you dont want there to be a caulk blocker. When youre done caulking your floor, make sure you let it dry in room temperature. For example, if your caulk is drying in conditions that are too cold, your caulk may experience shrinkage.
Once your caulk dries, you can now enjoy your new linoleum floor. Here are a few ideas of what you can do with the newest addition to your home:
Anal sex Gangbangs Lying naked on it during a hot summer day Satanic rituals Tearing your soul apart, limb from fucking limb Doing math homework (fractions suck!)
So the next time you have some guests over and you really want to floor them, I suggest laying down some linoleum. If its good enough for Jackos face, its good enough for you to walk on.
is this what's funny in Japan? Posted: 11/15/2006by: G.F.Csd.a.scaef seriously. that was the exact opposite of humorous. If we ever meet in public... Posted: 11/15/2006by: boner I would punch you. Not because I dislike your writing, but because you are an imbecile. That's me Posted: 11/9/2006by: DLamp On the beachside combin' the sand metal meter in my hand sportin' a pocket full of change.
That's me on the street with a violin under my chin playin with a grin singin' gibberish NOFX Posted: 11/9/2006by: The Bow NoFX - Linoleum Lyrics
Possesions never meant anything to me I'm not crazy Well that's not true, I've got a bed, and a guitar And a dog named Bob who pisses on my floor That's right, I've got a floor So what, so what, so what? I've got pockets full of kleenex and lint and holes Where everything important to me Just seems to fall right down my leg And on to the floor My closest friend linoleum Linoleum Supports my head, gives me something to believe
My guests... Posted: 11/9/2006by: Kotter ...will definitely be floored the next time they visit.
