Most of you here listen to crappy music. I know this is true because if any of you listen to good music, you would be hanging out with me, and I have no friends. Therefore I am forced to deduce that all of you have shitty taste in music.
Most of you also think that you're pretty hard because you hang out at Hot Topic and listen to Lacuna Coil and Pantera (for those days when you're REALLLLY angry!). Well, BREAKING NEWS asshole, you're just a pantyhose face because a true hardcore dude sits at home, grinding baby bones into dust to make bread out of them, eating oranges without even peeling them beforehand, and can produce tattoos just by flexing. That's how certain black metal bands produce their face paint: they just scrunch up their faces for a couple minutes.
Since I'm such a hardcore dude and I have heart of gold, I'm going to give the musically challenged Phat Phree a taste of my bread. I offer to you THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR DEATH METAL REVIEW. That's right. You're in for a treat, because every death metal album will be reviewed by the former WWF superstar, The Ultimate Warrior!
Today The Ultimate Warrior will be reviewing one of my current favorite death metal releases, Cannibal Corpse's "Kill."
Now I know you must have an internet curfew, so we'll get right down to it without wasting any more time! Here it is, The Ultimate Warrior Death Metal Review:
This is the Ultimate Warrior, and somewhere between the last "r" of "warrior" and the comma following it, I fucked your anal hole. BOOMSHAKALAKA!!
Cannibal Corpse's latest album, "Kill" is almost as brutal as my wrestling. If I had the power to fart music, I'm sure my farts would sound like this album. It's just that brutal!!!
The album kicks off with "The Time to Kill is Now," and man, after the song was done; I had a rug burn on my forehead. The best part of the song is when Corpse Grinder is yelling "time to kill is now!" in between guitar squeals. Rumor has it though, that the squeals are actually the squeals of new born babies that the band personally killed for their opening track. Just for that rumor alone, this album gets the Ultimate Warrior death-stamp of approval.
Another thing I really loved about this album was the lyrics. Lines like "Unwary victims mangled and battered/Once buried warriors have risen to kill again," and "Mutilate/Disembowel/Amputate/ Kill and rape" off "Necrosadistic Warning" really make me wonder if I'm a major influence to their lyrics. Here are some more lyrical diamonds:
"Kill them/Butcher/Then fuck" "Head is thrashing from the pain/I must nail it to the wood with long sharp nails" "Five nails through the neck" "I'm having strong urges to extract the brains" "The brain removal device/Shredded brain tissue is mine"
There's a song called "Barbaric Bludgeonings," which I believe was inspired by my super-fresh wrestling move, The Gorilla Press Slam. It's kind of flattering being the muse of a legendary death metal band like Cannibal Corpse. This is just such a great album, and I guess it's safe to say that it wouldn't have been possible without me.
I have to say that my favorite song on this album will have to be either "Five Nails through the Neck," or "Death Walking Terror." Those two tracks really put me in the mood for domestic abuse. I was walking in the park with my iPod when I first heard "Death Walking Terror," and the song's riffage is so wicked, my face just caved in and I began chasing after the little kids who were catching butterflies, knocking them all down and devouring their loot right in their face. Afterwards, I fell to my knees and screamed while cradling two crying blonde-haired children in my muscular arms.
Their parents came running to the playground to try and salvage their children but it was too late, because all the children's heads had exploded, leaving lifeless prepubescent bodies hanging on the jungle gym, and an endless stream of headless little boys wearing Bugle Boy tee-shirts rolling off the slide. As the flock of parents approached nearer, I pulled out my majestic sword and knew that it was time to kill. The lyrics for the first track of off "Kill" ("The Time to Kill is Now") pretty much describes the battle scene thereafter: I obliterated them all with my sword.
I was like Commando out there, slicing off heads one by one, screaming "the time to kill is now!! The time to kill is now!!" with every swing of the blade. Diaper bags and Highlights magazines were flying in there air amidst the chaos, like little gay maternal clouds. Forecast: DEATH.
And I stood there, The Ultimate Warrior, my moccasins covered in blood and entrails but my feathered hair and face paint got away unscathed.
"Just another day in the life of a music journalist" I sighed as I walked away from the bloody playground, spitting out a tooth a found in my mouth from a mom's face that I ate.
Most of you reading probably look like this.
"Shame," I say "She was a MILF too..." "Probably shoulda raped her first."
Corpse Count: 46 million.
If you have any questions, comments, requests or booty calls, contact The Ultimate Warrior Death Metal Review here.
A- Posted: 8/25/2006by: mike well written. The Ultamite Cannibal Posted: 8/25/2006by: Yellowbeard That was excellent you have me copying that album onto my iPod right now. I can't wait to read more reviews from the Warrior.
"This is the Ultimate Warrior, and somewhere between the last "r" of "warrior" and the comma following it, I fucked your anal hole. BOOMSHAKALAKA!!" better source material Posted: 8/25/2006by: mike Dude, you should have consulted the Warrior's website before you wrote this. The guy is legitmately insane and his bizarre, facistic rants could have taken this article where only eagles dare to fly. That said, funny stuff. not too shabby Posted: 8/25/2006by: antony but you're no Triple H. ahem. Posted: 8/25/2006by: chelsea Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha, this RULED. Though have you listened to Corpsegrinder's new band, Paths of Possession?
