My personal love life is kind of like Andy Warhol fighting off vampires in his loft apartment. I'm not saying that my love life is eccentric like Andy Warhol Kung-fu action, or that I am like a vampire, dark and mysterious, write bad poetry and turn into a bat during intimate times. I am saying that my life and relationship with girls is much like a loft, an unpartitioned floor. It's grey, unclean- people step on it and bums piss on it. There are just too many fish in the sea, and the sea is just too damn shallow for me to swim in without being cut up by the sharp reef.
However, there is no use tabulating the reasons for my lack of "getting down", for it is not my fault. What I have discovered through my research is that statistically and sociologically, my chances of becoming the Andy Warhol Vampire Slayer of Love are quite slim.
A new girlfriend is a lot like a new car. At first, it smells good, its clean, you just want to drive around in it all night, and you cant stop playing with the special features it has. But after awhile, the car gets a couple dents in it, some scratches; it starts to smell like cigarettes and rotting pastrami. The felt interior is laced with stains and cigarette burns. It costs more and more to maintain, and every time you start the car, it lets out a visceral groan that says You fucking waste of skin, Ive wasted my life with you. You find yourself tumbling out of the garage, your face cracked with tears.
You might ask yourself where you went wrong or if youll ever find love again. I know Ive been there, and so has every other guy in the world, except for maybe Jean Claude Van Damme or Burt Reynolds, because theyre too badass for that to happen to them.
Bitch Girlfriend: We need to talk. Van Damm: Go talk to dishes baby, I gotta go dismantle a bomb while doing the splits. Dinner better be fucking ready when I get back.
It would be so cool, because Van Damme would be picked up by Burt Reynolds, who is driving a badass red convertible hot rod with wings made of fire and a tank of sharks in the back.
Unfortunately, not all of us can be Van Damme or Burt Reynolds, because if we were, the shear intensity of more than two of these characters will cause the world to implode. In conclusion, if we are not either Van Damme or Burt Reynolds, there is not a grain of hope for us.
Girls will always stick with guys like Van Damm and Burt Reynolds. Why? Because they are slick motherfuckers. Those girls will never go for guys like me; it could be because I cant do the splits or have a porn 'stache. Despite these shortcomings, guys like me (meaning, everyone besides Van Damme or Burt Reynolds) still go for these girls.
It must be the mullet.
A man who goes for these girls is a broken man. The downfall of Hitler and Napoleon is due to them going for these kinds of girls. Is there a way for normal man to be content in their love lives while being victims to the ill-will of not being an action superstar?
Before tackling this question, one thing a man needs to understand is the 80/15/5 theory. An understanding of this theory will help in understanding the world of women, and the lack of women in your own world. The 80/15/5 theory stands for 80%, 15%, and 5% of the female (dateworthy) population. This theory was forged out of the public baths of Rome centuries ago, and when a theory has its roots in homo-erotic decadence; one must at least acknowledge the novelty of it (However, there is some debate on the where and how the theory was actually birthed; some believe that the Romans were indeed the founders, and some believe that it was actually founded in the lonely basement of a forum goon who has never seen a woman dressed in the seductive gown of nudity). . The theory states that 80% of the female population are the spring break hotties, the hip-hop club lesbians, the girls that put lip-gloss on their labia for sustenance and have Chanel clitorises. These are the girls whose name you write on your right hand. This 80% of the young female population is often referred to as "Inanis, quoque laxus", a Latin term that literally translates into "vain, also loose". These girls will have boyfriends for clique stature, and because of this, they will only go for guys who are Tiger-Beat-pose-connoisseurs and are so self-absorbed that they fold and iron their BVDs. This is 80% of the dating world, and this is 100% what you wish you life was like.
The second group of girls in the 80/15/5 theory are the 15% of the female dateable population. This group, aptly called "mansuetus barrakuda hal", coined by a burlesque Hungarian man translates into "soft barracuda". "Mansuetus" is in Latin, and "barrakuda hal" is Hungarian. Obviously, the burlesque Hungarian was quite the linguist.
These girls may be a bit older, mature, and/or classy. These girls are the typical romantic comedy/girl-next-door kind of sweethearts. They may be sweethearts and you guys may click at first, but the only thing shes clicking with is Beelzebub himself. This group is the most dangerous because you cant help but fall in love with them, even though deep down inside you know how bad its going to hurt.
These girls bring out mans most masochistic desires. They are an Iron Maiden with limbs and a smile. They are what you get when you cross old school Meg Ryan and The Terminator. I think the song Fire and Ice by Pat Benatar sums up mansuetus barrakuda hal the best with the verse Youre giving me the fever tonight, I dont want to give in, Im just playin with fire. Dont you know Ive seen you work before, take em straight to the top, and leave em cryin for more.
As we descend further into the 80/15/5 theory, the girls become more complex, and a lot more frightful. The last 5% of the theory is no exception. The good news is that those who are failures with inanis, quoque laxus girls and mansuetus barracuda hal girls will find that this group of girls are the easiest to attain. Every man will date at least one of these girls, and these girls are the origin of the infamous Crazy Psycho Bitch I Once Dated form of storytelling.
These girls will seem to be a pretty good catch. They may not be number-one choice material, they may not even be the kind of girl youd eagerly show off to your friends; but you cant have champagne taste with beer money, right?
Romantic compromise equals this girl. In fact, this group of girls is so lukewarm, that they have no proper name, and a thorough evaluation has never been done of them. Picture the most placid lake possible. The water is as smooth as glass, and not a sound can be heard for miles. In a stroke of spontaneity, you jump in. Youre not sure if you supposed to be doing what youre doing, but you keep on swimming anyway, trying to make the best of your time in the lake. You feel a small sting on your leg. Then another. And another. A couple small stings turn into a million gorges on your bare skin, since the lake is really filled with an incomprehensible amount of MUTANT ROBOT PIRANNAS THAT SPEAK A RARE FRENCH DIALECT. Thats just about the best way I can describe a 5% girl.
You might have noticed that the Reynolds/Van Damme caliber of girls have not at all been mentioned in the 80/15/5 theory. This is not a statistical error, as the Reynolds/Van Damme quality girls are not counted in the annual census of dateable girls (CDG). Why are these girls discounted? Well, wrap a wet towel around your head, because this might blow your mind: the Reynolds/Van Damm girls ARENT REAL. They are like the pyramids; you see them in pictures and videos, you hear about them, but you cant comprehend being there with them.
The Pink Ranger.One of the first Pyramid Girls I ever knew.
You might see these girls in passing cars, walking past you in a hallway, commuting on the metro. These girls are perfect girls because they are mere figments of imagination. They are birthed in the darkest hours when you are lonely and single, sitting in your bed after midnight with cheap lotion slathered where the sun dont shine, creating a steam of the most pathetic perfumed odor that ever blanketed your hollow and empty world. These girls give the word hope full blown AIDS as it withers away and slowly dies, looking like a Biblical-times leper with leukemia. There aint no amount of Jesus spit shine that can make these girls a reality.
This cannot bring us down! The single men with high standards of this world must unite and do the one thing we know best: masturbate. On the spot. While her image is still so fresh in your mind it bleeds Polaroid dust. Of course this idea only covers the sexual part of the relationship. Some people want a little bit more out of their life, a little something called romance. After youve done your dastardly deed, those moments alone in the lunch room can be spent on greener pastures with your special lady. Frolicking under the greenest grass and the richest soil, hanging out with talking badgers and squirrels, only to open your eyes to your grandmas green Tupperware filled with last nights Hamburger Helper.
You see, this takes the same amount of dedication and pain as real love does; you are a victim of your own pathos, but turning that pathos into a fine ass bitch whos got it all. Maybe after all of this you will finally find yourself, and maybe thats what theyre there for. Nah, fuck that deep philosophical shit, the idea of jacking off to an almost E.M.Cioran-esque philosophy concept kind of makes me feel weird inside. Besides, if a girl looks hot enough to be on the cover of Maxim, her personality and inner legitimacy is probably as flimsy as the glossy cover itself.
I dont know why these pyramid girls are unattainable, or why they even exist. Maybe its because in this crazy, crazy world we there needs to be something that cannot be tainted by the human hand. Maybe its really these girls that retain social order in this world. I believe that every time a Pyramid Girl dies, a man will give up his dreams and hook up with an ugly girl. We need to hold on to our dreams, for that is all we have, and if that means our only girlfriends will be literally be in our dreams, so be it goddamm it! I will not stand for less! I will not stand for the weak bonds human relationships! I am better than that, I know it, and so does she! Just dont ask her in person though, trust me on that one.
now can u dig that! Posted: 7/28/2006by: gioforeal Chris Rock once joked that 90% of females go for the 10% of men.I feel that even though women outnumber men the number of hot available chicks is pretty low.And don't the hot ones know it..... Alright.... Posted: 6/9/2006by: Cassandra I can understand exactly what you are saying. Good references...and I think you have a great imagination.There definitely are some good similies and metaphores. Its funny how some people can be dence and not understand the atcual meaning of what you are saying. I think you put it very simple yet a smart person could get stuck if the dont recognize the feeling you are sending. Vibes...I understand clearly. All in all it was a well rounded theory you gave. I dont know if I completely agree with it all, though I do give it an awesome try, at trying to figure out the fucked up moments of the world and life...oh and wemon. lol...A+ haha! 80/20 Posted: 6/8/2006by: Jeff Heavy man, heavy. I prefer the simpler 80/20 rule: 20% of guys fuck 80% of the women. seriously? Posted: 6/8/2006by: chaneequah You think 80% of the dating population can be classified as hot?! Your pyramid seems a little... how you say... upside down? You don't need a theory, you need some STANDARDS! The Good Book Posted: 6/8/2006by: Big Black Ben "These girls give the word hope full blown AIDS as it withers away and slowly dies, looking like a Biblical-times leper with leukemia."
Well versed....preach on, brother. Intersting .... But confusing Posted: 6/8/2006by: Burt Thaxton This article had some creative writing and funny moments - but it was just too damn confusing to follow.
Burt Thaxton. Great Posted: 6/8/2006by: Kiley this was fantastic. nice work ryan. "Nas tard" Posted: 6/8/2006by: Max Dude, what about the Luxor? Didn't think of that, did you dickhead? Awesome Posted: 6/8/2006by: Havok I stopped midway and started reading something else. I came back, and the first thing I saw was "MUTANT ROBOT PIRANNAS THAT SPEAK A RARE FRENCH DIALECT". Pure brilliance. So long... Posted: 6/8/2006by: The Red Baron but it had some entertaining moments. "These girls give the word hope full blown AIDS as it withers away and slowly dies, looking like a Biblical-times leper with leukemia. There aint no amount of Jesus spit shine that can make these girls a reality." Bitter, disturbed, and hilarious.
