I just want this to be over. Starting a trilogy was such a bad idea. Ive put off writing this for so long. I know that Im upsetting my legions of fans who need their fix of The Ryan Experience, and Id really be sorry if I actually gave a rats tail. The truth is, I dont. I dont care about pleasing the crowd, because Im God. If I dont want to write a ConfessionsPart III, gosh darn it, I sure as hell wont. Youre on the brink of tears, arent you? Get over it. I hate you all. Heres my confession: Fuck You.
This is supposed to be my ConfessionsPart III article, what should be last piece of the trilogy. I was going to blow you guys away (again) with an earth-shattering confession to end the series, but I decided not too. Why? Because Im a fucking rebel. I am going against the grain here, and I mightve just blown your mind.
You were probably expecting the article to start out with Im sorry I feel horrible about this, but I have a confession to make. But I decided that not only do I just not feel like writing another confession, you guys dont deserve to witness the glory of what my third confession would have been. I am going to keep this coveted gem all to myself. It is something that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
What could it have been? I harbor so many secrets, just waiting to be confessed. I am like a dark chest of wonders, and if you think that you have the right to look into that chest, well, lets just say that thats why youre adopted. This special opportunity to explore the vast vessels (enjoy that small taste of alliteration, because you wont be getting another one from me) of my glorious psyche has been rebuked. You dont deserve the glory of my colorful and flowing prose. I understand that I may have bollixed the very essence of your existencethrown off your personal equilibrium, and probably made you fertile in the process. I dont care though, because I just didnt feel like writing ConfessionsPart III. Be grateful for the two that Ive already given you and stop harassing me. Who do you think you are? Kristi Yamaguchi? Tonya Harding?
Does that arbitrary reference to figure skaters of the nineties throw you off? Did I just cause evolution to go backwards with that statement? I just threw earth off its axis with a few words of random absurdity. Take that as a lesson. A lesson in power.
I had a few ideas for a great Confessions article, but in the end, I didnt do any of them, because I just didnt feel like it. Call me a literary renegade. I did actually draft out an outline for ConfessionsPart III. It was the most amazing outline to be written by man. But since Im a rebel and I didnt feel like putting it together for an article, I just burned it, thus denying the world of the beauty of my glowing pastel portrait of words.
None of you here deserve to read my writing. Ive actually written sixteen novels, and Ive had publishers raping my phone up the ass with million-dollar contracts, saying that my book is the most important thing to happen in literature, ever, and that Im the next Shakespeareno, you make Shakespeare look like Billy Madison. Please publish this book and change the universe. I told them no, and molested their children. Then I burned every single copy of the book in existence. The bottom line is, the world doesnt deserve to witness the greatness that is meand this works out great because ten out of ten of the great ingenious ideas that I have, I dont act on them, because I just dont feel like it.
Its probably around here where those of you who have been following the Confessions series (if you havent then, you should either give up on life or go read them now and give them all 5's) expect to see the top five things regarding my confession. Being a rebel does not make me an uncultured ape. I still have some sense of tradition. So, here it is:
IM AMAZING. I HATE YOU ALL. THE TOP FIVE REASONS I DONT WANT TO WRITE THIS STUPID TRILOGY:
1. Fuck you; Im not gonna list anything.
I think you guys would have really liked the article I didnt write. It wouldve been full of clever puns and high diction. I would have employed upper-class literary techniques, like compound sentences, pi, and antihistamines. I would have dazzled you all by my usage of semicolons; in just the; right places. Ill bet that it wouldve had a twist ending too. It would also be full of metaphors that are really profound. Yeah, too bad you guys will never see it, or know what it was about. Id like so show you guys, but that would just be a waste. Plus I just dont feel like it.
I had a number of pretty good topics, too. The topics themselves were just reeking Nobel Prize. Im just this fountain of brillianceremember when the world was created? It was a pretty big deal. My ideas and articles would have had kind of the same effect, that is, if I ever wrote them. I just never feel like it. My works are just too beautiful to be tainted by the human eye anyways.
The truth is, ConfessionsPart III wouldve been too good. While I was writing the introductory paragraph, my keyboard caught on fire. The article will just be too good for The Phat Phree and it will cause the site to collapse under the shear power of my words. If I sent it to Charlie DeMarco to get it approved, he would have never e-mailed me back, because his eyes would have exploded, and then he would simply melt and leave a small puddle on the floor.
I know some of you out there are pretty funny and clever, and youll comment on this article saying something like ConfessionsPart III: Ryan is a conceited idiot well until you can write an article that is as good as the ones that I think about writing, let me know. Chances are, thatll be never.
Yeah! Pete Sampras! Go for the gold!!
You guys should understand that every article I write on The Phat Phree are actually mere particle of my feces. I am so brilliant I shit articles.
But if I shit out articles, shouldnt I have stuff posted on The Phat Phree everyday? Well yes, but Ive just been horribly constipated the past few weeks. Maybe Ive just been consuming too much junk food (i.e. reading anything that isnt mine).
I was going to give this article a conclusion, but I just dont feel like it. I think Ill just leave you guys hanging. Leave me some feedback, but please, try not to gush.
Wow...deep. Posted: 8/7/2006by: bran Even though I know you don't mean any of that, I really felt your anger and that's what gave your article a realistic feeling. I know I am late on this Posted: 8/3/2006by: Christine and that you have all gone, but I just wanted to say that Joe's 4th picture caption was the funniest thing I have read all week. 1. because of its great line 2. because there was no 4th picture.
also, When homer goes on a hunger strike is my favorite episode, also, when the Simpsons go to NYC. dc Posted: 8/3/2006by: goatlover all good points and while I dont want to come across as contrary, fuck you. First Pic Caption Posted: 8/3/2006by: That Guy "C'mon - I'll be gentle, Ben..." Don't forget Posted: 8/3/2006by: Tom A Homer the Inventor. Phenomenal. Bullshit Posted: 8/3/2006by: Dave B Whoever said the Free Clinic was free was full of it. I paid the price of my dignity when my girlfriend's mother was the nurse. oh Posted: 8/3/2006by: Joe Kickass and when Homer starts the Mr. X website. Eugene Posted: 8/3/2006by: Joe Kickass The truck driver one is golden. I'll also add Homer watches over Mr. Burns' Mansion, Homer is kidnapped in Brazil, Homer is prescribed medical marijuana, and any episode that prominently features Duffman - the single greatest TV character of all time. Simpsons Posted: 8/3/2006by: Eugene Too many clasic episodes to say definitevely which are the top three (although the truck driver one, while hysterical, is not even close to the top)
Great episodes:
1. Homer has a heart attack 2. Homer bcomes an astronaut 3. Homer is banned from Moes and learns Marge is afraid to fly.
Greatest Simpson's quote:
Lionel Hutz: "Oh no, we drew Judge Wapner"
Marge: "Is that bad?"
Hutz: "Well I kind of ran over his dog"
Marge: "really?
Hutz: "If you replace the words 'kind of' with 'repeatedly' and the word 'dog' with 'son', yes". Deuce Posted: 8/3/2006by: Christine You are not hearing what I'm saying. GOD!!! I get your point but, It won't work if you don't use your tongue a little.
