Are you kidding me? Nitro was a god among men, a glorious beam of sun and fire, which blazed down from the heavens, burning the retinas of the live televised audience, only to gracefully replace them with visions of his perfectly sculpted, oily, pectoral supremacy. How could I have ever dared to challenge him on the utlimate stage of American Gladiators?
I once sprained my ankle playing Tetris.
How could I, Douglas Joseph Sanderson, a physical science teacher from Muncie, IN, feebly weighing in at one hundred and fifty-eight pounds, even have begun to construct something resembling a battle plan which might have outwitted his complete domination of the gladiator-dome?
I collect model trains, for Christ's sake!
I would have asked Debbie if she thought I should send in a videotaped application.
Good idea honey, she would say.
Youre a pretty good raquetball player, why not? shed muse.
Fucking WHORE! Shed surely sacrifice her husband to get a closer look at Nitros magnificent, Samsonian spandex bulge.
Oh, the Gladiators would have indeed had a hardy laugh when they viewed my tape. I can see them now, all standing around Nitro in a semi-circle, hand-feeding him grapes, exchanging high fives and the occasional light-hearted ass-pat.
My poor children. It wouldn't be enough that they suffer the fate of one day inheriting my receding hairline. There theyd be, in the third row, so proud, so nave. Daddy, no! theyd scream, as I plummeted from The Wall when the mighty crotch-harnessed behemoth with the olive skin ascended like a rock climbing jaguar to rip my legs directly from my torso.
Like a fucking ten-second head start would have helped me in the slightest.
I hold my nose when I jump into a swimming pool.
He has no weakness.
I would girlishly beg for mercy as I stood on my Joust pedestal, face to face with his, knowing that I was not deserving of such a platform. When I raised my giant padded Q-tip to do battle with him, he would know that I was only doing so out of contractual obligations. He would know that I sadly misjudged his awesomeness from the comfort of my plaid, cheese-stained sofa.
I would ask that he be gentle. I would ask that he please smite me down with mercy. I would look up to him with reverie as my flabby chest and toothpick legs crumbled to the Nerf padding below.
I can only do thirty-eight push-ups.
I would not be worthy of the gladiator unitard. I am a shell of a man.
I sometimes cry during "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition".
What sense would it make for me to challenge him at Assault? When I stepped out from behind the barrier, what scenario could possibly play out, besides the one where a tennis ball rocketed from his super mega gladiator cannon, traveling at 120mph, with such precision, such devastation, that it tore the flesh from my frail middle-aged testicles?
That would make you happy, wouldn't it Debbie! YOU WHORE!!
I suppose theyd have no choice but to let me participate in the Eliminator at the end, but what would be the point? Sure, I may have climbed the uphill treadmill with a decent speed, may have crossed the pit with a bit of acceleration, may have even scrambled up the rope wall without missing a step, but Id know what awaited me at the end; the scantily clad juggernaut that is NITRO.
He would be waiting there, knowing Id choose the wrong door, waiting to stop me from collecting any favorable prizes, waiting to show my wife that the levels of my impotence stretched far beyond the walls of our bedroom. Waiting to reach into my chest and pull my heart and lungs and ribs from my body only to place them in a locket that he would someday give to a small child with polio whom he'd met through the Make-a-Wish Foundation.
This would have been tragic.
He would then leap, like a gazelle, into the crowd and sweep up my wife and children, taking them as his own; taking them to Chuck E. Cheeses, where he would buy all of their food and games with his "American Gladiators" company credit card.
One of my kids, whom had already forgotten that I was their biological father, would then accidentally spill grape soda on Nitro's spandex, but it would just bead up and roll off, because its spandex, and they would all have a good laugh and go back to playing ski ball.
I would have also done poorly on "Win, Lose or Draw".
Where's Earl? Posted: 10/29/2005by: RC If only Earl were here, with his eternal list of Karma. He could get Anus a man!
Go bite your pillows, anus. gaylord Posted: 10/27/2005by: sarah that last comment was pretty great. pretty scary, but funny nonetheless. Kind of like this column. good stuff. I Would've Sucked Off American Gladiators Posted: 10/27/2005by: Gaylord Fagsworth Not much I can add, except I'm really gay and I want guys with huge cocks to fuck me. Fantastic Posted: 10/25/2005by: mike Fuck Nitro, this was awesome. Super clever, completely random, but great.
sorry i missed Posted: 10/25/2005by: jeff this last week. this was fucking awesome. true genius. i don't understand the toolbags who couldnt enjoy this. tools Posted: 10/25/2005by: bill that joke by auns was funnier than the article. i bet Jesse is a hillbilly and a jr. awesome Posted: 10/24/2005by: damian loved the show. love the article. would love to see more clever humor like this on the site. Possibly less comments from bitter non-writers with a penis fetish would be nice, but surely that's just a foolish dream. wow anus! Posted: 10/24/2005by: jesse l This article was classic, but there were a lot of pent up issues in that last comment. I suppose Nazi camp got out a little early last night. All the homoerotic undertones are a bit off putting, but it is good that you can admit that you could only read three words in the article until you became confused. I'm sure a vocabulary that doesn't include the word cumguzzler can be a bit puzzling to you.
Brandon, great article. Fucking hilarious, and way to keep illiterate assclowns like that last guy/girl on their toes. or on their knees. whichever. joke Posted: 10/23/2005by: anus Q: How does Brandon tell the difference between dead babies and apples?
A: He doesnt spurt thick cumshot out of his cock when he sinks his teeth into apples!
Ha Ha Ha!!! Jesus is watching Mr. Gnetz.
P.S. Can I get a suck off from you if Im in your town? I mean $10 worth of redneck lips. And youll get a solid punch in the face for every time you use teeth. And yes, because I know youre gonna ask, you can finger my ass. But only one. I dont want to get played like last time when your buddy butt fucked me without a rubber and I had no idea what the hell was going on. You have thick fingers, but when I took a shit and all that came out was blood and semen I knew what was up.
P.P.S. I read about three words into this and quit. I then pulled out a turd out of my ass and ate it. Jesus Christ. Can you suck any more? How about not writing on here and go play pretend funny in your closest with underage children whom arent wearing pants.
P.P.P.S. Ive been saving my nut in a balloon so I can blast you in the face with it.
Good night and God bless everybody except brandon gnetz. You dont deserve capitalization.
Huzzah Posted: 10/23/2005by: JP Great article. Elliot, you are an ass hat. Susan, well done.
