You ever have one of those weekends where you end up hungover on the couch for, let's say three to nine hours, and you realize you have just watched Crossroads for the third time on cable, followed by the marathon of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic?
No? Anyone?
Not even you there, fourteen year-old girl?
I'll impregnate the world, bitches
Come on! Who's with me?
Well, that was indeed my weekend, and it got me to thinking about the future. Not mine of course, but Britney's. I can't help but wonder what the future holds for that majestic creature. What amazing new plateaus will her love for the K-fed help her reach? What zany misadventures await the new life that is growing inside her skanktastic womb? How will the union of their love affect the ones closest to the trainwreck that is their existence?
After pondering this for minutes on end, I was granted a vision. A vision into the future; a vision into the diary of Mrs. Britney Spears- Federline's Babysitter. Look upon it now, and enjoy the fruits of my prophecy:
June 14th 2009
Dear Diary,
OMG! This is so amazing. Im like wow! How did I ever land this job? Britney is my hero, even though she is so ten years ago. Taking care of Darius Kev Tyree, (they told me to call him lil K-Noogs) is going to be awesome. He is a doll, and he is so cute in his Sean John PJs. I asked Britney and Kevin why they got his teeth gold plated at such a young age, and Kevin was all like, Das how we roll, yo! and then he smacked Britney in the mouth, and broke into some sort of dance move. He later called it the robot. Im not sure what that means. Oooh, Britney just said she would let me go to the Wal Mart with lil K-Noogs and her in the Bentley. Awesome!!!
July 9th 2009
Dear Diary,
Like, I never could imagine that I would be cleaning up the poop of Britney Spears-Federlines baby, but thats exactly what I did today. He totally ruined his Tommy Hillfiger diapers, and Britney was all like, Y'all, thats just gross! Then Kevin came in the room and was all like, Yo, thats whack lil K-Noogs, damn! Then Kevin tried to do something that he called a sick ass pop and lock and twisted his ankle. Britney just took him to the hospital, but they asked me to tape "Judge Joe Brown" while they were gone, so I gotta run.
August 4th 2009
Dear Diary,
Lil K-Noogs threw up Count Chocula cereal all over his FUBU bib, it even got on his Son of a MILF t-shirt. I tried wiping his mouth off with his Von Dutch do-rag, but it didnt work out so well. OMG! Kevin is totally creeping me out! Every time Britney has to work a lunch shift at Ruby Tuesdays, Kevin, who doesnt even have a job, just stays home and works on his routine. And by routine, I mean gyrating around with his beer gut hanging out of his pizza-stained wife beater, and camouflage pants hanging down past his ass-crack doing what he calls a hella fresh Roger Rabbit, Bitch! Oh, Britney just came home and she looks pissed! She is in there screaming at Kevin, Y'all, I only made twenty three dollars today, and you ate my leftover KFC, Y'all, that aint even right! Then she ripped off her Ruby Tuesdays apron and they had a dance-off. I think Britney won because Kevin dislocated his shoulder dropping that shit like its hot, you dirty skank! as he called it. Oh, and it turns out Britneys Bentley was repossessed like three years ago. We drove to Wal-Mart in Kevins moms 1992 Corolla. So embarrassing! As soon as I get that job at Cinnabon Im so out of here. Eat me!
twins? Posted: 7/11/2005by: brandon Fuck, twins really? Damn, now this shit is really dated. Damn you Spears! Damn you straight to hell! Duh Big Ed! Posted: 7/8/2005by: RC Of COURSE she's carrying twins! Has been for awhile...I call them the Dow Chemical Twins (DCT's)...$50k and she can probably compete with Tara Reid in a twisted-nipple contest. Hope baby like formula! Hey Brandon... Posted: 7/8/2005by: Big Ed Just heard on the news. Britney is carrying TWINS!
That's awesome! darnell Posted: 7/8/2005by: dave How 'bout after you're done reading the article, you exit the page. Who's forcing you to read any comments? Even if Steve is just somebody pretending to be an asshole... Posted: 7/7/2005by: Darnell This is why I wish the Phatphree would totally remove the comment section. I really enjoyed this article, it was funny as hell, and should be given the opportunity to stand alone without all the comments (mine included) cluttering up it's finale. Good shit, keep it up B. STEVE SUX COCK Posted: 7/7/2005by: matt STEVE,
How come you have to comment on every fucking article here, like I told you before next time up for the full lobotomy you sexually frustrated turd eating retarded dwarf. No matter how shitty an article is, it doesn't compare to your bullshit comments. Do us, and the world, a favor,--cut what's left of your dick off, so you can't procreate by accident, and fucking kill yourself. Thanks, I look forward to your obituary. Rush Posted: 7/7/2005by: MEH Jim,
If you really want one: http://www.ioffer.com/i/RUSH-LIMBAUGH-scarce-game-card-from-Canada-radio-6383439
ha ha Posted: 7/7/2005by: bryan STEVE likes Rob Thomas! lil k fed Posted: 7/7/2005by: jim Good article, I hate, yes hate, seeing these two in the media. I think that after Britney is through being "preggers" that K-Fed will have exhausted her entire bank account. Then maybe we'll never have to see his wife beater wearin out in the public and on tv, ass.
Ohh, MichaelB...where can I score some Limbaugh trading cards??? Awesome comment angry young man!! Posted: 7/7/2005by: MichaelB Ok, I love this site, and I may not like everything that comes across it (I do really enjoy this one though), but can not just one day go by where some poor, irate, neglected, homophopic kid doesnt feel the need to comment on a column by using what little grasp he has on the english language to type out the word FAG. (not that using Wigger isn't equally impressive)
Seriously, have we not come farther than this by now? Have you not read all the articles on this site making fun of you; the angry fag comment posting guy?
It's always amusing when a guy writes "get a life" to someone who writes columns for a website. What amazing things are you doing with your life; outside of attending auto diesel college, masturbating to Rush Limbaugh trading cards and getting confederate flags tattooed on your back?
No need for you to respond to this comment, angry fag comment posting guy; I'll save you the time:
