RICHMOND, IN (AP)- Anarchy struck at a local suburban mall early last night, as two people were killed and over 40 injured in what was an apparent mullet hunt gone terribly wrong.
For those who dont know, mullet hunting is attempting to get picture or film footage of someone with a 'Kentucky Waterfall', or as they are scientifically referred to, ape drapes. Hunting of mullets has gained significant popularity over the last decade, to the point that the International Olympic Committee is considering the event as a demonstration sport for the 2012 Summer Games.
In an interview from his hospital bed last night, lead hunter Brian Carini had this to say about the days events:
It had been a slow day trying to find some hockey hair, having struck out at the local Dollar Store and only finding a halfass fe-mullet at Napa Auto Parts. Figuring that some mullets might be taking their families to the mall food court for dinner, we headed over there. As I was wandering thru Wal-Mart, I came upon a mullet gold mine. This dude had on a mesh hat reading international breast inspector, a Razor Ramone wrestling t-shirt with a pack of cigarettes rolled in his sleeve and a pair of cutoff jeans that were made into shorts and had apparently been cut too short, because the pockets were hanging out of the bottom of them. Then I noticed the 64-gallon jug of astro-glide and the oil painting of Rusty Wallace in his shopping cart, and I knew I had to get a picture of him.
employee of Wal-Mullet
Carini and fellow hunter Jeff Williams decided to wait outside the mall entrance to Wal-Mart hoping to get a picture of the Billy Ray Cyrus look-a-like as he left the store. When the man with the beaver paddle started to pass them by, Williams stepped out from behind a mall directory and made a crucial error. Rather then snapping the picture at a side or behind-view angle, he instead was caught at an awkward angle and the flash went off inches from the mullet's face. This is when the night took an ugly turn for the worse.
The mullets owner, former Alabama resident Barry Crossman, immediately flew into a fit of rage. One eyewitness was quoted as saying, The mullet just flipped out. He took a full can of Schlitz that he hidden in his jacket pocket and smashed it over the photographers head. Then he picked up a gumball machine and tried swinging it like a club at anyone who was walking past. Thankfully he hit some dickhead American Eagle employee who was walking past wearing his collar up, but that was the only good that came out of it. After that, bedlam ensued and people were running and screaming everywhere. He then set his sights on the photographers friend and chased him outside into the parking lot.
Unfortunately for Carini, his automobile was on the other side of the parking lot and was forced to try and duck and dodge through the cars while evading the furious and uncontrollable Crossman. He went on to say, I thought I had lost him and was hiding behind an SUV catching my breath, when all of a sudden a Camaro we had noticed earlier comes out of nowhere and starts bearing down on me. After seeing the Confederate license plate, "R.I.P. Eddie Guerrero" bumper sticker and Playboy air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror, I knew it was him and thought I was dead for sure. With Brian in his sights, Crossman bore down and went racing toward him, trying to crush him into oblivion, like the monster trucks he loved to go and watch back in Birmingham.
Mr. Belding was always jealous of...
Thankfully for Carini, the mullet had done an oil change in his driveway that day and the tires were a bit slick. After speeding through a deep puddle, he lost control of his car and drove straight into a telephone pole, causing an instant explosion. The police and fire department showed up soon after and order was restored.
Behavioral scientists at the Driscoll Institute in Boston have studied the mullet phenomenon ever since it took off in the 80s with mega stars such as John Stamos, Patrick Swayze (most notably as John Dalton in Road House), Saved By the Bell's A.C Slater and MacGyvers Richard Dean Anderson sporting the business in the front, party in the back hairstyle. They had this to say in a press statement released to the public after the incident:
Mullets get easily distracted by shiny objects, and have a propensity for launching into fits of rage by flashing objects, much like the reaction you get from gorillas when you make faces at them when visiting a zoo. While Carini and Williams couldnt have predicted the carnage that would ensue, they should have known better then to fuck with someone with a Nebraska neck warmer
too easy Posted: 5/5/2006by: bob Gotta agree with Van on this one- ripping on those who sport the mullet is fish in a barrel sport. Everyone knows that they look like retards, except them. I used to relish the good mullet spotting until my current job took me to a hospital in the mid south. Now every other booger-eating knuckle dragger I see is sporting one along with shitty tats and and a fucked up, no dentist seeing grill. Meth, anyone? Like my LED display Pager? Posted: 5/5/2006by: van peebles wasn't the whole rest of the internet done with laughing at this in 1993? the material, references and terminology down to every minute detail are at least more than 10 years dated. fe-mullet? awesome, got any knockout NSYNC material? how about an article about how cool chuck norris is?
you get a 1. fantastic Posted: 5/5/2006by: empty bottle of mad dog too bad the fake news doesnt get more hits on this site. It's usually a much more clever way to present a topic. other than, say, going with an article that would say "look at my big mullet." this is great. and i'm always up for a good wrasslin' reference. Bert Posted: 5/5/2006by: Patrick M I've seen mullets at the Wachovia, but they're more prevelant at Wings games than Flyers games. (I only know this because I take my nephew to a Wings game every year: it's A.D.D. Paradise. Awful.) Anyway, at the Wings games, there is actually a "Mullet Cam" that outs Mullets during the game. It's amazing, because they have no idea why they've being singled out...even though it clearly says "Mullet Cam" on the big screen. They either shoot devil horns, thumbs up, the middle finger, or a look that says, "The fuck you want?" (They like to skip the word "What": it's for sissies.)
Also, my fiancee (sic?) is originally from "the land that time forgot". Coincidently, she brought me to that fair even though we had only been dating for three weeks at the time: bold move. And it was exactly as you described it, with 38 Special rocking the fair. Want to see mullets? Posted: 5/5/2006by: Bert Go to any Flyers home game--the Wachovia center is full of them.
Or go to what my friends and I refer to as the "land that time forgot"--The Great Allentown Fair in September in Allentown, PA.You have never seen so many 3/4 length sleeve wearing baseball shirted mullets since the early 80's. And to top it off, every year they have some 80's band like Journey, Poison, or Def Leppard play there.
