Every day we attempt to get through the daily grind of work just trying to pass the time without any difficulty or incidents of annoyance. This is nearly impossible, and the main reason why is because of the random douche bags we encounter along the way that always seem make the day that much more frustrating. Im sure the world would be a better place if the following groups of people were rid from the earth.
Ass Breath: Every office has at least one person who has apparently decided to substitute cigarettes for toothpaste and coffee for mouthwash. Usually their breath smells like boiled diarrhea and you go out of your way to avoid direct contact with them and the shit cloud coming out of their mouth. Once trapped in conversation, there is not much you can do in way of a deflector shield to stop the horrible odor from attacking you, for even if you try and turn your back to the person, best case scenario is only getting your neck hairs synged off. A fat guy's taint in the summer couldnt smell worse.
Feldman: Not a day goes by when I dont encounter someone wearing sunglasses inside, whether it be in an elevator, walking to the desk in the morning, or even riding the train (youre underground, jackass). I will never understand this, ever. Unless youre blind, a robot sent back in time, or have Ike Turner for a husband, there really is no reason at all to put the shades on. Seriously, once and for all, you look like a fucking dickhead. Next time you want to add an accessory to your head, make it a bullet and a gun.
Fugly chick wearing F-ME boots: It has happened to all of us. You are walking thru work when you spot from a far someone wearing FM boots. Then you are met with colossal disappointment when you further scan up and find a hideous she-beast inhabiting them that looks like a cross between Gheorge Muhresean and Natalie from "Facts of Life". Its like being a kid on Christmas and opening up your biggest gift to find out that it's clothes. Case in point: Im on the thin side and have skin so pale I make the kid from Powder look like Bernie Mac, and because of this, I will never wear a tank top. I only wish the same common sense could be said for Fucking Ugly girls wearing the Fuck Me boots.
Keep walking tubby
Pristine Whore: I was sitting at lunch the other day when a Paris Hilton-esque skank was describing a recent date when she haughtily ended her story by sticking her nose in the air and saying I never kiss on the first date. Sure, this is the same girl who by date number three will probably have given a blumpkin and got doused with a chin omelet, but for some odd reason the hypocrite still finds the need to try and pass herself off as Chastity McTightbox. At times she may follow up this charade by acting like she is more mature, sophisticated and smarter than everyone else because she drinks martinis or once backpacked through Europe for a summer. No matter how you dress it up or how cultured you pretend to be, youre still a whore.
no boots for you
The Whistler: For some reason, when this person gets into a groove at work, they find the need to whistle like they are one of the seven dwarfs working in the diamond mines. Maybe they miss theirs days as a band dork or have their favorite Bon Jovi song stuck in their heads. Apparently they think there is nothing you and the rest of those around him would rather hear more than their high-pitched mouth Mozart routine that would make a dogs ears bleed, when in fact there is nothing youd rather do more than staple their mouth shut and kick them in the nuts.
Escalator cholesterol: At some point in the day, whether it be before or after work, I always find myself staring at someones fatass while riding up an escalator. Stairs are for walking, not remaining inert and standing there like a lazy pile of shit. There is no point in attempting to squeeze by this person unless you have matrix-type ability and can condense your body into the size of a bulimic Olson twin after a two-day coke binge. God forbid they get something resembling exercise before arriving at work, where their biggest aerobic activity will be waddling to the snack vending machine to get a Hostess cake to top off their five-course lunch. These are also the same type of people who try and balance out the scales of obesity when going to the movies by ordering a diet soda to try and offset their large buttered popcorn; jumbo box of M&Ms and order of nachos.
Im sure there are many more of these every day poisons that are dealt with; feel free to add your own adversaries to the list below
Great Article Posted: 1/20/2006by: E Unit What about the fucking annoying people who stand over your shoulder while you are trying to eat your lunch. You are sitting there trying to eat and they are asking what you are eating and telling how good it looks and smells. So finally you ask them if they want a bite and of course they say no and walk away. I would like to kick these douche bags in the twat. oh, right Posted: 1/20/2006by: s and kickass article. precisely why we gotta rock the freelance lifestyle.
if i can add... the strategic lunch plan brigade -- group of male and female twats who "go to lunch" together, but always wind up disappearing for an hour in the middle of the afternoon for food 'cause they were really all out shopping, and have a stash of kenneth cole bags underneath their desks.
hey, if you want to live in charcoal cotton blends, do it. and if you and your friends want to pool your blends and mix and match the grayscale, go to it.
but when you fuckholes blow off another hour in the afternoon, when the rest of the division has spent the last 60+ minutes trying to jenga hot deadline work into your unattended inboxes while you ooh and aah and buttslap each other over the latest reworked black cap toe oxford, it makes me angry.
angry, like, while you stand there telling me how EXHAUSTED you are and how much WORK you have to do and whatever other meaningless drivel about your meaningless life i couldn't pay to give a fuck about, all this serene grin really means is... i wonder if the xactos in the mount room are sharp enough to nip/tuck your plasticine features off... at least sharp enough to root out an eyebrow... maybe that divot in your lip... waah waah waah Posted: 1/20/2006by: s gotta back christine up, on the thorough.
rippin other people for drinkin etc. and goin haywire WHILE maintaining a job, smacks of such waah waah, nobody likes me, fine, i'll stay home and watch the spike channel. save it, yo, for real. as if that was of remote interest.
she's right, dude.
it IS annoying. i hate whiny bitches who are all, oh. my. GOD. i totally saw this movie one time? it had like, naked people in a hot tub or whatever? i totally watched it though, 'cause i had like 2 beers? and then like, took a cab home? it was MADNESS.
ok. if you're a 4th-grade level home schooler from carbon county.
the whole point of storytelling is to tell an engaging story.
listening to a bunch of low-rent white girls nanner on about how off the hook they got at 9.30 at the local marathon fuckin grill is not cool, it's not interesting, it's not story worthy. it's stupid. and weak. and lame. and a waste of everyone's time.
turquiose turtleneck? fuckin a. i hate turquoise, and turtlenecks, but i love winding up with random shit i know i didn't leave the house with.
score.
and matt's "excellent" was goddamn hilarious. Mark? Posted: 1/19/2006by: Michael The Boss wants us. Stop telling people about your rotten piece of (forgive me Boss) shit hat and get in your jalopy so we can help some other people. I may be an angel but I drive like an 85 year old 1/2 blind asian woman. Christine Posted: 1/19/2006by: Victor French Hey. Are you still mad at me? Dont be. I'm fuckin' Victor French. Look at my beard. Marvel at it. Try on my shitty Oakland A's hat. Thats right. I know it's barely holding on to that last plastic snap in the back. I got a big fuckin' head. Go on. Adjust it to fit yours. No, you cant keep it. Sorry. Christine Posted: 1/19/2006by: Master Shake I apologize. I am sorry that you are a drunk slut that steals clothes. I have awesome t-shirts Posted: 1/19/2006by: Oscar Shitley Check out the douchebag t-shirt on www.shitleys.com Ashley??? Posted: 1/19/2006by: Christine Ashley Brown from 3rd street??? Hey girl!!!! What's up!! remember the time that cop was selling candy bars for his son's school and we bought them all so he wouldn't arrest us for the weed?
Ok, so maybe you aren't that ashley, but thanks. Tom Posted: 1/19/2006by: Christine Touche'. I will definitely bring that up with him, but he will probably say something like, "why don't they give those guys jobs building something that will help the world instead of making the world a people-less place".
Thanks for the love Heather and Tom. And know that I will defend you guys if anyone decides to rip apart your life and make you feel worse than a smelly, disease-ridden homeless guy, who I might add, scored himself a buck today. Christine Posted: 1/19/2006by: Ashley Now see, I thought that was funny. You sound like someone who would hang out w me & my friends...
