Its been said that anytime a male sees a female, he automatically puts her into one of two groups: a.) yes he would sleep with her, or b.) he would not. This isnt completely true, for there is always the answer with the variable of yes, but only because of This brings to light the four major sub-categories in which you might have to stoop to a lower class of women then you are used to. They are as follows -
*Beer goggles
Its a scientific fact that for every beer you consume, a girl appears to lose 3.25 pounds. Usually when judging either yes or no, the range of alcohol needed is somewhere between consuming a six-pack to out drinking Ted Kennedy on St. Patricks Day. Its amazing what can go through your drunked head when trying to convince yourself that its okay to fool around with someone who most of the time youd avoid like Mexican water. Its a safe bet that if you start thinking things like well she just swallowed half the buffet table, which must mean shell finish the job later on when she gobbling my cock, odds are you're going to end up waking up next to someone who has somehow gained 75 pounds from the night before and resembles Andre the Giant.
*The Chelsea Clinton Rule
I want to be a star fucker
This applies to when you would only sleep with someone because it would make for a good story. I usually wouldnt go for a lady in her 50s, but if I could tag Linda Cohn, Id definitely go for it just to be able to say that I slept with someone from ESPN. Same goes for most women athletes. I have no clue who she is or what she looks like, but odds are if given the chance, Id plow whoever is ranked 189th on the womens tennis tour just to be able to lay claim to it. Furthermore, I cant sit through more than two minutes of "the View" without my ears bleeding, but I would certainly fuck Star Jones or any of her co -hosts if given the opportunity. Same goes for Bea Arthur and the rest of the Golden Girls.
*See no evil, hear no evil
This will usually occur on vacation or while visiting a friend or relative at college. Since you know full well you wont have to worry about the post-bang baggage, it doesnt matter that she is missing teeth, has a hunchback, or is wearing an eye patch that makes her look like a deranged pirate. You are miles and/or time zones away and you will never have to talk to or more importantly see this creature ever again (which is good, because on a scale of 'buffalo' to 'woolly mammoth', she rates about a 'rhino'). Sure, you can say youll call or send her an email, but you know full well that once you step out of her room, you will hit the ground running and never look back.
don't worry, I'll definitely call
*Taking one for the team
At some point in every males life, they have had to rise to the occasion and take a bullet to help out a friend. Most of the time, the bullet is a bit on the husky side and appears to have more cottage cheese on its ass and thighs than the dairy section at your local super market. Even if you are stuck with the Ringo Garfunkel of the group, you have to suck it up and sacrifice your pride (and standards). I once had to spend the night with a girl who for some reason decided to weigh herself in front of me and easily cleared the 200-pound Mendoza line even though she couldnt have been more than 5 2. Looking down at the readout on the digital scale I felt like Indiana Jones looking into a pit of snakes, but I knew what had to be done. Two hours later my hand was traveling down a stomach that not only had a treasure trail, but also had a giant gunt (a.k.a. stussy, stomach pouch or front-butt) that felt like a balloon filled with chunky yogurt- but at least I knew I had stepped up and fulfilled my guy code obligations.
Of course, there are many more different variations of these categories, such as Id let her blow me with her clothes on to only if the fate of mankind depended on it. If you know of anymore, feel free to include them below.
Further expanding on Hear No Evil, See No Evil.... Posted: 1/12/2006by: Nate Albrecht TOUCH No Evil; taking a 4 a.m. BJ in the back of your car from a girl who thinks your name is Steve, and your in town briefly on a contractual welding assignment down at the power plant. This essentially involves leaning far enough back with eyes closed as not to touch her and be reminded of the hidden pockets of warm bread dough that is her back. In this self induced meditative state, one can freely believe and accept that Scrlett Johansen was in town and looking to get some from a townie. She got a smile Posted: 11/21/2005by: Danny Stephen Lynch, check it out. It is the nature of the beast. They try hard! Posted: 11/20/2005by: Bald Eagle At least the fat chicks try really hard when they go down on you. The best part is it seems like they all swallow. I have unfortunately have had an experience where I was trying to get that hot skinny little bitch and ended up with someone who looked like a Patriots offensive lineman. It actually was not unfortunate because she swallowed every last drop...bong!!!! It happens to the best of us.
By the way Birdman I would have a threesome with Bea Arthur and Star Jones. Do you know how great of a story that would be. I would totally love to tell the author of this fucking splendid article.
Has anyone had a gunt rub up against your back while you are trying to work? I haven't but I know someone who has and it sounds gross. ? Posted: 11/19/2005by: turd I thought this was funny as hell, I know I have had to "jump on the grenade" once or twice, a matter of fact, my friends and I had the "hog award" it was literally a trophy from a barbq that we stole, whoever slept with the fat shit at the end of the night kept the trophy untill someone else bagged a fatty. gunt is a funny word but we use "bo-bif", big ol butt in front..I have seen some that are skinny as hell, then you get to the belly button and it looks like they wore a pair of snowpant under thier jeans, or the girls that dont think they are fat, have a backless shirt on and it looks like they have shark gills since the fat makes those skin folds....as far a the girl talking about small guys, I have taken a few hotties home, and its not uncommon for the girl to have so much lhabia that it looks like an arbys big montana, "kiss it" she says, fuck you and your skin chandelier, get the knees dirty. or she wants to talk about her ex boyfriend that she broke up with 2 days prior and ran into that night and you were just in the right place at the right time, then you realize you have to make it hurt for her just because she is a bitch, usually alcohol will keep you from climaxing, time for that to payoff, let the good times roll Definite no categories Posted: 11/17/2005by: Todd Popular phrases at work for very special ladies include:
Not even with your dick. Not enough beer in Milwaukee. I'd rather jerk off after handling raw chicken. Hey "Outta Pity" Posted: 11/17/2005by: Steve Do you realize that your explaination for a pity fuck is really just an excuse to be a whore? If all it takes is a $2.50 beer and a little conversation to bang you, you are a slut. Not that there's anything wrong with that. So, where do you like to drink? outta pity Posted: 11/17/2005by: pink lady We ladies do favors, too. Let's not forget those pity fucks. You know, nice guy, buys you a drink, kinda shy, tries real hard to make conversation... your heart goes out to him. Sure he's not all that cute, but he's tall and has a nice bulge, so at least you get to dominate and have your way with him. Which can be alot better than going home with Mr. Hottie who will just have his way with you and not share the fun... congratulations matt Posted: 11/16/2005by: Max You are the fifth commenter to point out that omission.
Great article. For the first time in years, I hooked it up with a fat girl this past weekend. I explain it with the "bait and switch" -- I was flirting with a little hottie for about 4 hours, taking shots and grabbing ass, when suddenly she disappeared and her chubby friend came onto me. So devastating... Gunt! Posted: 11/16/2005by: Matt That one isnt bad, but we know them as FUPA's.....Fat Upper Pussy Area oh Posted: 11/16/2005by: jem Cause us girls have NEVER had a nasty on the side (moped is good), that we Would never introduced our friends to. And you guys have it easy, most of your issues with these apparent cows all you readers bag "because of beer goggles" when your wit assures me that you are all incessantly capable of bagging models if it were not for the impaired beer induced vision. We ladies, on the other hand, can take a hot guy home and assume we have bagged a winner, only to shortly after discover that my nephew (who is 3) may be packing a bigger gun than my lackluster conquest. And then I have to kick him out. I'm sure all the readers to this delightful website have been on the other end of that stick, and for that, I am sorry.
