BOSTON (AP)- The leaders of pharmaceutical conglomerate Grundel and Taint announced today the biggest medical discovery since the invention of the polio vaccine; a cream that instantly remedies the painful effects of 'chap ass'. Known in the medical community as 'parched poop shoot', chap ass has befuddled doctors throughout the world who up until now have been unable to find an effective enough cure for the irritating condition. In a press conference this morning, the president of Grundel and Taint John Boothby happily exclaimed "Never again will you feel like your wiped your ass with a belt sander. You could take a dump of volcanic proportions and have no fear whatsoever of desert dirtstar.
Ironically the discovery was a mistake, as doctors were originally testing out a cream for females that was thought to help the effects of hanging labia, also known as "moose knuckle" or "spam purse". Dr. Stanley Einhorn, head medicinal scientist of Grundel and Taint, was happy to tell the media the story behind the products invention. "Our test subject was a cum guzzling cock goblin that had vag lips that were practically down to her knees. After lunch she came back into the office walking around like Ed Norton after the shower scene in American History X. We naturally assumed she had just had her usual lunch of sodomy, but it turned out she had eaten a taco from Bobby Burrito's Taco Shack and hadn't been able to stop shitting for the past two hours. After prying her out of the bathroom, we resumed her therapy and were applying the cooch cream when some mistakenly dripped out of her cavernous gash and back into her ass. Five seconds later she happily cried out that the medicine had effectively cooled her severe case of brush fire balloon knot."
new form of blue balls
For years the only viable way to help ease the pain of chap ass was Gold Bond medicated powder. Gold Bond has mainly been used as a nutsack coolant for years (though it should be noted that if you use the powder from the blue Gold Bond containers your yam bag will feel like you just teabagged a campfire). Predominantly more effective in hotter environments, just last month Gold Bond signed a contract with the National Landscapers Union to be their official corporate sponsor. Gold Bond, however, has never really caught on for those suffering from charred cornhole, as at least 100 people a year suffer injuries such as separated shoulders in attempting to position themselves in the right way to get the powder effectively onto their infected ass areas. One such injured victim exclaimed It would be easier to blow myself while lying on an ironing board then to get in correct position to treat the painful sore location with Gold Bond.
Grundel and Taint also announced that they are currently working on something closely related to their chap away cream. Hot rumors in the science world are saying it could be anything from a cleaning device that keeps lint and other foreign objects out of foreskins, to a laser-type surgery that would permanently rid the low-tide smell out of vaginas.
If there are awards Posted: 11/3/2005by: Fuel at the end of the year then this one is in contention.
"Moose Knuckle" - Brilliant!!!!!! Thank You Posted: 10/24/2005by: jj You are a fucking genious! Best Part: "It would be easier to blow myself while lying on an ironing board" Thank you, thank you, thank you! Gross? Posted: 10/21/2005by: Phunkdoctah What was HMK raised by nuns? this is friggin hilarious and if you don't think its funny, please chop off your balls now! Teabag Posted: 10/17/2005by: GRB "Gold Bond has mainly been used as a nutsack coolant for years (though it should be noted that if you use the powder from the blue Gold Bond containers your yam bag will feel like you just teabagged a campfire)."
Holy shit I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! The visual aid also helped add to the effect. low tide smell Posted: 10/17/2005by: deuce absolutely brilliant. thank you. ok but gross Posted: 10/14/2005by: HMK It was some what funny, but a bit on the gross side. way to go Posted: 10/14/2005by: Jbird Funniest article I've read in a while ... who cares if it's bullshit ... well fucking done. Good shit Posted: 10/14/2005by: matt Pun intended. Good article, nice euphmesims as well. Yeah I know I can't spell. Awesome! Posted: 10/14/2005by: MAtt HAHAHAHAHAA!!! Moose Knuckle! Best article of the day....perhaps week! chap azz Posted: 10/14/2005by: Jack Prep H is good too.
