You probably didnt know I was a writer did you? I only work here in the mail room to pass the time. If you didnt know that I was a writer, then theres probably a lot more that you have yet to learn about me. Luckily for you, its all laid out in my blog.
What? You dont know what a blog is?
Let me explain. A blog is a personal diary. Your own private memos to the world. Remember in middle school when you would write notes to your friends that would say interesting things such as, Oh my God, Im so bored," or "math is hard," or "I would drink an entire glass of Lyle Alzedos back sweat?
Well, a blog is just like that, except that it goes out all across the world wide web for days and months and sometimes even years. Just completely inane self-indulgent ramblings about shit that no one besides me could possibly care about! And sure, I could leave it at that, but I wont. Ill probably mention that Im a blogger so often that you would assume it were the equivalent of writing Crime and Punishment.
Im so certain that you will want to hear my four part dissertation on the film Maid in Manhattan, which I watched (again) last night, that Im going to wake up early and blog about it before I go to work. In fact, Im going to email you the link to my blog every time I update it. You can thank me later.
By the glazed look in your eye, I can see that I have piqued your interest, so let me share with you a brief taste of my unique stream of consciousness writing style which has often been compared to F. Scott Fitzgerald (by my Mom). Hang on to your seat:
lol
7-26-05 Hello. I had an interesting weekend. You know how sometimes I drive to Nutley to do my laundry? I drive that far mostly because it gets me out of the city. LOL. Well, this weekend, I drove to Steubenville, Ohio to do my laundry. I'm not kidding. I've had a lot on my mind lately and I knew if I didn't MIX IT UP a little, I'd go crazy. Ha,ha.
I dont know how I do it-I just do. I will let you in on a few tricks of the trade though. When I say something witty that I would like my reader to interpret as a joke; what Ill do is just throw a ha, ha at the end. Or sometimes maybe even an LOL. Its industry gold.
Here is another gem:
8-19-05 I have a new addition to my bathroom, Driftwood art. My Mom was going to throw this out last weekend. It's your classic driftwood art, complete with the old pop tab to hang it on the wall. When I pee, I like to look at the seagull, and dream about where he/she is going. The other day I was so enthralled in the detail work on the wings that I forgot to unzip my pants. And while I did feel a little bit silly standing in front of that wooden seagull soaked in my own urine, I couldn't help but notice how nicely it tied the room together.
In the coming months I will be devoting several entries solely to my time spent in a certain high profile social club. Thats right, Im talking about the Designing Women Fan Club, which finally selected me as a member, and boy should I have some stories to tell. LOL. Next week were travelling to the home of Mesach Taylor!
People (again, my Mom mostly) have said, I wish I could be a blogger, but my life isnt nearly as interesting as yours, you are like a modern day Matlock with all your adventures and mishaps. Its true; I have been blessed and can only be thankful that modern technology has given me the opportunity to share my special gift with the world.
daniel bell Posted: 1/30/2006by: well played nice! ANGER! Posted: 1/29/2006by: Scala I am so revolted by the waste of time that is reading your thoughts that I must comment on them. I know, in some regard it makes me a hypocrite (maybe a dousche) to waste more time commenting on comments from a writer with the balls to publish something here, but I feel justified. Lets face it, my life is this site and I know that the larger audience of readers is awaiting my judgement. Further, when you spend as much time as I do reading, judging and regurgitating content from the actual writers on this site - it nearly makes me a writer myself. It is in this vein of studying other peoples ideas that I would like to tell you that your ideas are not original. Maybe if you tried writing an article about a striped shirt as a witty case-study of the very guy that beat up a lot of the readers of this site - therfore enciting an "amen" from the congregation. I think we could all get behind that. Oh, and once I finish diagramming all your sentences, I will give you a score on your grammar. Try to get some sleep in the meantime. No need to really investigate your self-worth until my complete verdict is in. sorry Joe Posted: 1/26/2006by: Max Yeah, you are definitely list worthy. My bad! Max Posted: 1/26/2006by: Joe Kickass Good Call...though you forgot to call me out. deuce Posted: 1/26/2006by: Max My nigga! (high five, pound.) You finally realized it.
Actually, most of me is white, it's only my cock that's black (transplant). HD Posted: 1/26/2006by: helltotheno If you haven't noticed, most of the columns on this site happen to speak on the same subject. I hardly think someone writing about something that someone wrote about in JULY is unoriginal. Max is Smart Posted: 1/26/2006by: Tom A I really hadn't thought of that.
Really.
P.S. Check back tomorrow for a report on what I have for dinner tonight. Max Posted: 1/26/2006by: matt Ummm . . yeah you nailed it. I suppose my pot was so black I coudn't see the reflection. max kettle Posted: 1/26/2006by: deuce you're black!! Max Posted: 1/26/2006by: Atlas As you can see from my comment early on I totally agree. Although I do see more value in debate over a running diary.
