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Commence shredding
The Boneless (old)
Ride with your back foot on the tail, and your front foot in the middle of the board. Slide your front foot off the board and put your foot on the ground. Jump up into the air with your hand holding the toe rail and your back foot still on the tail and raise your front foot back on the board. Land, typically.
The Boneless (new)
Ride with your back foot on the tail, and your front foot in the middle of the board. Kick the tail up violently and plummet off the curb in a violent paroxysm. Vomit. Do a Google search: 'pancreas burning sensation can it explode?' Throw skateboard into drainage ditch and proceed to IKEA because we just have to have a new trestle table.
The Ollie (old)
Bend knees and press down hard with back foot while lifting front foot. When the tail of the board hits the ground, jump off the front foot and lean forward, guiding the board forward and upward. Land, presumably.
The Ollie (new)
Buy new skateboard and commence shredding. Bend knees and succumb to shin splints, causing a damaging fall, a split lip, and a trip to the emergency room. Curse wife for taking car keys after you came home last night smelling like stripper perfume. How many times do I have to tell you that to fit in with the rest of the guys at the office, I've got to tag along on these things every once in a while?
Backside 50-50 Grind on Half-Pipe (old)
Ride up the transition and do a high backside kickturn before the wheels touch the lip. Raise upper body and turn. When the back axle touches the lip, stand upright and lift your body over the ramp. Turn the board back toward the ramp. Land, occasionally.
You little Good Charlotte groupie puss
Backside 50-50 Grind on Half-Pipe (new)
Ruminate on the once keen dexterity of youth. "Hey, ll buy you guys beer if you let me rip your half-pipe." Sweet. Climb up side of ramp. Look over the edge and panic. Goaded by teens drunk on warm Mad Dog 20/20, you, also drunk on warm Mad Dog 20/20 attempt to drop-in and smash your teeth on the side of the ramp. While painful, go see an oral surgeon. Holistic dentistry is vastly over-rated. After convalescence, watch yourself on YouTube get peed on by drunk teens while you were knocked out from the fall. My son thinks less of me, but still sees fit to forward YouTube video on to friends and 3rd grade colleagues. Run over skateboard with Volvo. Call about the toilet.
Judo Air (old)
A difficult half-pipe maneuver. After grabbing the nose during a normal backside air, take your foot off the board and kick it forward pulling the board backward while the back foot is still on the board. Land. Once--when nobody was looking.
Judo Air (new)
Who the crap do you think I am, Tony Hawk? I just came here to look at the skater punk chicks while my wife is at the Gap. Do you have any weed? No, you're a poseur, you little Good Charlotte groupie pussy--give me that board. Approach half-pipe. Flee at a full-sprint and hope the car starts. With your new skateboard, advance to the E-Z-Pawn over by the Panda Express and get some spending cash in exchange for the board. I then recommend the orange chicken. What time is it? Oh, man. My wife is going to kill me.
McTwist (old)
Sweeeet
This crowd-pleaser is another aerial where you essentially execute a backflip, but while still rotating on one axis, perform a backside 540 while grabbing the toe side of the board with the front hand. One time I tried to do this off the diving board at the neighborhood pool using a kickboard and my swimsuit fell down mid-air, revealing my privates. I still have nightmares about this. You ask a lot of questions, don't you? No, just forget it, ok?
McTwist (new)
At your neighbor's BBQ, make sure to tell your wife--in a high-volume voice--that you know she fakes her orgasms. And of course, there's my friend Curt, who's like, "No, she don't, man!" I could just kill him sometimes. It's become clear that I tried to kill Curt by throwing hot charcoal in his face from the Old Smokey. That's one of those things where you overreact, but it's because you've had probably like a million glasses of Chardonnay. I guess we both caught on fire and then they had to throw us in the pool. I woke up nude and wet on our new IKEA trestle table. I suppose there is no real mention of a skateboard or even a kickboard here, but I think it all goes back to the soul of skating, man. Don't be such a fucking poseur.
Posts: 368 Rank: 22 Joined:
2/21/2007
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 4/27/2007 9:59:32 AM
I'm assuming you're saying "huh?" to Chauncey's post, which looks like a bunch of random characters. Correct? Are other people able to view this article without all the weirdness? Any ideas on how to fix it, since I can't?
this was funny. And I hate that it was funny. It was funny in that kinda depressing way, like reading age and guile from PJ O'Rourke and thinking that I'm not so punk anymore, but able to laugh at my current and former self. Goddammit, I'm not becoming one of those adults am I?
It's not wise for TPP writers to interact with Christine. She has an unhealthy obsession with you folks. It wouldn't surprise me if you start receiving samples of her DNA in the mail.
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