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No undies here
Dear Mr. Nugent,
In response to your piece "Yourope," we would like to thank you for your submission before saying that the piece does not, unfortunately, meet our current needs. The writing is fraught with enthusiasm, but I feel it is held together by a narrative and vernacular that remains decidedly inaccessible to this editor.
You begin your piece strongly; I was particularly intrigued by your detailed account of packing for your trip. You capture the anxiety of preparing for a trans-continental voyage with elan, although I found your decision to "free-ball" it for the flight a bit unnerving. Do we need to know this kind of minutiae? I feel not. Furthermore, if, as you maintain, you were flying into Barajas airport in Madrid, I was confused over your notion that upon arrival you were going to "punch a Mexican then maybe try to take a dump because I get nervous and can't shit on plane trips." If this is your idea of hyperbole, I don't think it works in this instance and doesn't really fit with our tolerant credo.
Furthermore, upon your arrival, you fail to mention whether or not you punched anybody--Mexican, Spanish or otherwise. As for the dump, I can suspend belief to a point. Your segue from the "horse-shit excuse for a Big Mac" you had at the McDonald's along the Gran Via to missing the "minority-free pussy" of Concord, Michigan while regarding Notre Dame (For your files, the "retarded guy who lives in a bell" must be a reference to Victor Hugo's classic work of fiction, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, who is neither retarded nor resides in a bell, but I'm sure that, perhaps due to jet lag, you just became a little confused or were perhaps suffering from apoxia or garden variety mongloidism.) was at best choppy and bordered on non-existent. Was there nothing of note during the rest of your tenure in Spain? You make brief mention of "a pretty sweet beach where sluts wear thongs," but I'm still unclear as to where this is. Barcelona? San Sebatian? Nice? The reader is left in the proverbial obscurité.
I wish you had bigger titties
As for Paris, is "the headless bird-woman with smallish tits" you refer to the legendary Winged Victory (Nike of Samothrace) housed in the Louvre? You mention that "museums are for pussies," but I'm not clear where it was that you wrote the word "boner" on the "ass of the armless bitch." Are you suggesting that you graffitied the buttocks of the Venus de Milo? I must tell you that if this is the case, I am appalled, utterly. However, I am willing to give you the benefit of the doubt, as one portion of your piece seems to evince the fact that you are not an abject moron.
"Der Worte sind genug gewechselt, lasst mich auch endlich Taten sehn!" you exclaim and I could not agree more. Enough words have indeed been exchanged; it's time to see a more active approach toward globalization and cultural understanding. Oh, wait. It has just occurred to me that you have lifted that particular musing from Goethe's Faust. I should have recognized earlier that this was a shameless pilfering of Germany's greatest poet, as you later claim that "Mein Daumen Schwanz ist flamenwurfer" is a phrase that "never gets me any trim." Perhaps you will be interested to know that your claim, "My thumb-penis is flamethrower" will probably never get anyone any "trim." I will not even justify your comments on your friend "Heidi in Hamburg," as I am thoroughly convinced that A.) you are lying, and B.) this poor woman did not, as you assert, "dig on slobbing my knob in Hitler's bunker."
Nice thumb-penis
I found the conclusion of your trip in Italy fairly predictable. Your remarks on "hangin' brain all day" while you sat on the Spanish steps eating more "suck-ass pizza without shit for cheese or meat stuffed in the crust" proved to be more of the same philistine rambling you exhibit throughout the duration of your piece. And while the puzzling inclusion at the end of your piece of a poem entitled "Wang Dang Sweet Poontang" (was that even intentional??) was certainly unpredictable, I found it was too late to redeem your piece.
Again, we thank you for your submission and wish you exceptional luck in placing it elsewhere.
Posts: 452 Rank: 25 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:38:38 AM
or Nike, depending what line of mythology you follow, is HOT as all hell. I don't care if she has small tits! I would wear her ass as a Sombrero, so that when I am done, I can lay her ass on the ground and dance around a bitch.
Posts: 21 Rank: 82 Joined:
4/16/2007
Location:
Mumbai, India
Posted: 5/14/2007 8:47:59 AM
Ted Nugent only eats meat he killed, not McDonald's. Plus he like exotic pussy, he used to bang a Hawaaian bitch. Don't hate the Motor City Madman. It's a Free For All bitch and you just sorry you can't bang Little Miss Dangerous, like Teddy. So go put yourself in a Stranglehold.
Posts: 1044 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:29:27 AM
"While being told repeatedly by his doctor's that if he insists on snorting cocaine to start using his right nostril, Ted's OCD would not allow him to do so."
and this article was pretty damn funny. I like that you were really willing to put in the time to look a little deeper into the works of this obviously deep and philosophical musician. I would like to know more about Ted's insight into all things. For instance, what does the nooge think about correlation between the industrialization of former third world nations and the rise in government corruption that inevitably follows. Good work Ty, and go ahead and ignore the obviously ill-informed arabian assclown.
Posts: 2 Rank: 288 Joined:
5/14/2007
Location:
Arlington, VA
Posted: 5/14/2007 10:43:47 AM
Tyler. Somewhere between the boner, the thumb penis, and the wang dang sweet poontang is me snarfing soda like a 13 yr old. loved it. Plus you cant go wrong a subject like Ted..."If you want your body to be healthier, get off the salmonella, e-coli, mad cow, assembly-line toxic hell train! God I love that statement. What did I just say?" Yes!
Posts: 1021 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:27:57 AM
there was a period in my life that all of the bar trash i took home for 1 nighters were subjected to "stranglehold" on repeat as my musical accompaniment for the (mostly mediocre) bone-rollercoaster rides.
totally creeped them out and assured their speedy departure and no phone calls.
Posts: 1510 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 5/14/2007 11:30:04 AM
I must listen to this song now. I can't believe he wrote those lyrics, much less sung them.
TMAN, I think Nugent was drug-free actually if I remember his "Behind the Music" episode. I don't think he drank or did drugs....but apparently he fucked everything that wasn't nailed to the floor.
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