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January 29th, 2007. A day no doubt many of you have ingrained in your brains, for that was the day that I last posted a Greatest Season Ever article here at ThePhatPhree. Well fret not my fellow SBTB'ers, I'm back (sorta). For the record I didn't stop writing the series.
Saved by the Bell is my life, it's the one thing that keeps me going. Turning my back on Zach and The Gang would be like Justin Timberlake turning his back on other guys' dicks.
For your information, I've actually been hard at work in my "writing room" (a room that is the size of a handicapped bathroom stall, with only a desk and a poster of Jessie Spano topless from Showgirls, with the caption, "I'm sooo excited!") putting the finishing touches on my book. As it comes closer to publication, I'll be publishing more of the articles, but for now, sit back, unzip your pants, and enjoy one of the few episodes that never went to air.
Background story: Unbeknown to its viewing audience, Mario Lopez almost didn't finish the season due to stalled contract negotiations. The braintrust of SBTB decided that if they couldn't work things out with Slater, they'd have to press on in a different direction. This episode was intended to be the "if Lopez was going to be a pretentious douche and not sign" episode...
New characters:
Marvin Nedick -- played by Gino De Mauro Brent Falco -- played by Brian Robbins
Scene One
Early Friday morning. Slater's house. AC is doing push-ups in the shower. Slater gets out of the shower and makes his way downstairs to eat breakfast. Slater passes three mirrors on his way downstairs, and each time he stops and says, "Hey Momma!" while giving the wink-gun. Slater grabs a banana and sits at the table to dry off and read the paper. He turns to the local sports section entitled "Two Years Ago Today"" The headline reads, "Slater dismantles Nedick for the W." Slater smiles and says, "Alright!" After reading the blurb he gets up and does some more push-ups. Slater then gets a call from Jessie.
Jessie: Slater?
Slater: Hey Momma! What's shaken?
Jessie: You're such a pig! I just wanted to see if you were still meeting me at the Max before school to go over our English project?
Slater: Am I your Curly Conan?
Jessie (embarrassed): Slater!
Slater: I'm leaving my house now, so I should be there in about fifteen. Oh, and to answer your question from the other night, you're vagina is beautiful, and it tastes better than a chocolate shake from the Max.
The studio audience shouts OHHHHHHHHH.
Scene Two
Slater is running late. He decides to take a short cut. Slater's been told many times to avoid this short cut due to excess street toughs and pissed off bitter ex high school wrestlers looking to get even, but throws caution to the wind. No sooner does Slater take the short cut does he get hit in the back with a jock full of rocks and is rendered unconscious.
"SAD/SERIOUS" SOLO GUITAR RIFF
Scene Three
Jessie is waiting at the Max with Zach, Lisa and Screech.
Jessie: What do you thinks taking Slater so long?
Zach: He probably ran out of hair gel and had to go jack off a moose.
The audience LAUGHS.
Jessie: That's a little pot calling the kettle black don't you think Zach?
Lisa: Yeah Zach, the only thing that has more gel in its hair than you is Kelly after about five minutes alone with Jeff.
The studio audience shouts OHHHHHHHH.
Zach: Jessie, don't you mean that's a little bit of the pot calling the kettle Lisa?
The studio audience shouts OHHHHHHHH.
Screech: Hey, you can't talk to my woman like that!
Just as Screech stands up to fight Zach, a brick with a photo wrapped around it breaks through the Max window.
Zach: What the fuck was that?
Jessie: Oh Jesus Christ! Oh Jesus Christ! We're under attack! Quick Zach fuck me...fuck me Zach, we don't have much time" there's never any time!!!
Zach: Time out! On the one hand I'd sure like to empty out some excess splooge into my best friend of sixteen years, on the other hand she probably has hepatitis compliments of Slater (thinks about it for a second). Time in! Calm down Jessie, it was just a rock.
Zach picks up the rock and looks at the picture.
The caption reads, "You have five minutes to meet me in the Bayside boiler room or else."
Lisa, Screech and Jessie: What is it Zach?
Zach: Oh shit...
Lisa: Well what is it Zach?
Zach: Slater's in trouble!
"SAD/SERIOUS" SOLO GUITAR RIFF
Jeff: Hey guys, what's all the ruckus? Go Bruins!
Zach with no hesitation wings the rock and hits Jeff square in the balls. As Jeff teeters over in pain, Kelly comes out of the back looking as if she was just having intercourse.
Kelly (worried): Oh no, Jeff!
Zach: Let's get outta here guys, we only have eight minutes left.
On his way out of the Max, Zach grabs Kelly's tit.
Zach: Second base! Suck that college boy!
Scene Four
The boiler room. It's dark, but we can see Slater sitting in a chair wearing only a pair of boxers and a potato sack over his head. The other person in the room is Nedick, former Valley High bad ass wrestle. Nedick is wearing the same blue singlet that he wore two years ago when AC beat his ass. He is humming the chorus from Kenny Loggins hit class "I'm Alright".
Slater: Where the hell am I?
Nedick (singing): I'm alright...nobody worry about me...why you gotta give me a fight...can't you just let it be?
Slater: Kenny Loggins?
Nedick: No you asshole, it's me, Nedick.
Slater: Who?
Nedick (confused and angry): Nedick!
Slater: Nedick who?
Nedick: Whaddya mean Nedick who? It's me...
Slater: Sorry dude, I don't know anyone by the name of Nedick.
Nedick rips off the potato sack to expose himself.
Nedick: Come on...Nedick...from Valley...class of '89.
Slater: Ummmm...
Nedick: I was a wrestler. You beat me when I was a senior and you were a freshman...
Slater: Sounds familiar...
Nedick: Your little curly haired friend was gonna wrestle because you were in some gay ass bake club...
Slater: Marvin? Marvin Nedick? Man oh man, I thought you killed yourself!
Nedick (getting angry): Nope. I'm very much alive.
Slater: You sure? Cause I would have killed myself after that one.
Nedick punches Slater in the face to shut him up.
Nedick: You shut your mouth you dirty greaser! There are some pants on the floor, put them on.
Nedick unties Slater, and Slater puts on a pair of flat front khaki's.
Slater: Hey thanks, these feel nice, what make are these?
Slater looks down to see there are no pleats.
Slater: Oh god...Oh god...why?! what the hell?! You're sick man! You're fucking sick!
Slater starts to take them off but Nedick punches him in the face again.
Slater: When I get outta here Nedick, I'm gonna make you pay. I'm gonna pin you so hard.
Nedick (getting tired of Slater's tough guy routine): Oh yeah?
Nedick punches Slater for the third time, knocking any and all hope from his body.
Nedick: Put this on.
Nedick throws him an extra large t-shirt with a picture of a kitten eating ice cream on it.
Slater (bleeding and cut with not a bit of energy left): Go fuck yourself Marvin, I'm not jumping through any more hoops for you.
Nedick takes out a pair of scissors. Slater then grabs the shirt and puts it on.
Nedick: This can all be over if you just sign this letter.
Slater: What letter?
Nedick: A letter to the editor who ran that article this morning about you beating me two years ago.
Slater: What's it say?
Nedick: Dear editor. I love dudes. A lot. I also cheated in the 1989 regular season contest between myself and Marvin "12 inches" Nedick. I also want to make public my love for the group Dee Lite. Sincerely, AC Slater.
Slater: No way am I going to sign that. So go stick it right up your ass, you fucking snake.
Nedick: Oh no? That's it...
Nedick starts walking closer to Slater with the scissors.
Nedick: Say goodbye to your luscious locks Conan! Try to get laid now fancy boy!
Slater, realizing that it's either death or being shaven bald, yells out "I love you Momma!" one last time, and violently swings his neck around, eventually breaking it.
Nedick (shocked and confused): Ummmm..well, this isn't how I pictured this ending...
Just then the boiler room door opens up. It's The Gang.
Jessie: Slater!
Upon hearing The Gang entering the boiler room, Nedick, shocked and frazzled because he only wanted to scare Slater, makes a break for it. Nedick manages to find another way out, and is now running down the halls of Bayside. Zach is in hot pursuit, but is too far behind to catch him. Zach desperately yells out, "Stop that guy!" Nedick can smell freedom and arrogantly turns around to flip off Zach when all of the sudden he is hit in the face by a really attractive guy and his bat. Nedick instantly goes down. The guy with the bat is none other than new kid, and All-State baseball player, Brent Falco.
Zach: Wow. Nice swing. I'm Zach Morris.
Brent: Nice to meet you. I'm Brent.
The rest of The Gang shows up. The girls are obviously smitten with Brent.
Zach: Well, seeing how I run this school, if you ever need anything, hall pass, new locker, pregnancy test, just let me know.
Brent spots Lisa and Jessie.
Brent (pulls out a cell phone twice the size of Zach's, and makes his way towards the girls): No thanks kid. I'll be fine.
Zach (realizing that this guys gonna be trouble): Oh shit!
Posts: 1084 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
My Cubicle, CO
Posted: 10/4/2007 1:01:33 PM
You can't go wrong with 80's shows in my book. I think you should do a lost episode of just the 10 of us where the two hot sisters realize they are both adopted and can finally act on their feelings for each other, with sexy results.
if you can call something from march of '06 classic; this is it.
And a better ending would be a flash forward to the new king of Bayside, Falco, having a fourway with kelly, jessie, and the turtle in Zach's garage in her mom's convertible.
you'd drink a gallon of kelly's piss just to see where it came from.
This was awesome, just what was needed on the phree after the dry spell of late. The bell was fucking awesome. When reading the intro, I really thought you were gonna pull Jessi's step brother back in. Come on everybody remembers Jessi's New Yorker step brother who everybody hated, then turned out to be a good guy right before he left, then everybody felt bad and learned a lesson.
Lark Voorhies was the only reason I woke up on Saturday mornings (that and my pop warner games). "The Turtle" made me spackle my jock strap before each game. She was awesome, and fine!!
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around it breaks through the Max window.
Slater: What's it say?
