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Show me the good movie...
Dear Cuba Gooding, Jr.,
Stop. Just fucking stop. I don't know what the fuck happened to you, but you went from rising star to respectable thespian to total assclown quicker than it takes most child stars to develop a coke habit. And I'm really fucking sick of seeing you. You need to go away for a long time until some up-and-coming hot shot director in twenty years decides he'll take a chance on an aging has-been and Travolta your life around after you have no longer the natural ability to get the erection to bang your seventeen year old costar. Then the world will applaud you and your tremendous comeback. But the way you're going right now, this will never happen.
What in the name of Jessica Biel's sweet asshole would possess an Academy Award winner to do Snow Dogs? Did you lose a fucking bet? Did you actually think, "Hey, I really believe that I can parlay my seminal performance as an ultra-black, take-no-shit NFL wide receiver in one of the most successful films of the '90s into the antithesis of said character who learns how to mush sled dogs (as well as several other tender and important lessons)?"
I'm not even going to mention Boat Trip. You should lose your SAG card for that shit. It was actually after that film came out that you fell behind your chunky brother Omar in my level of respect. And you didn't even get him the role as your brother in Jerry Maguire, you disloyal asshat. Who plays a brotha's brother better than a brotha's brother? Not Aries fucking Spears, I can tell you that.
Good Cuba
One would think that a guy with Boyz N The Hood, Jerry Maguire, and–even though I didn't enjoy the film–a critically acclaimed role in Radio on his resume would be picking out his tux for the Cecil B. DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Oscars. One would think that. But see, Cuba, when you also throw in Rat Race, The Fighting Tempations, and Daddy Day Camp, those flicks negate your good work. You're not Sam Jackson. You can't accept every script put in front of you and still have a ton of love from the American public because Sam Jackson is Sam Jackson in every damn movie he's in, even if it's rated G. You, on the other hand, are Cuba Gooding, Jr. in every film you appear in. You're the black guy that middle-aged white people like, which fucking blows.
Before 2001 you were really on a roll. Looking up and down your films at that time it is tough to really criticize your work or choices thereof. Then what the fuck happened? It's like the terrorists crashed a plane into your sense of reason. I mean, every great actor makes a handful of bad calls (see: Peter O'Toole in High Spirits). It's okay and forgivable. But half that shit you did this century I have never even heard of, and the stuff I do know is some of the most brutal cinema outside of Showgirls (surprised you didn't make a cameo in that, by the way).
AND NOW YOU'RE DOING FUCKING UNDERWEAR COMMERCIALS? Stay the fuck away from Michael Jordan. I love MJeff. I don't like you. At least Bacon Bits doesn't fucking talk in his commercial with Mjeff and retains some nugget of cool. You look like a complete moron.
Bad Cuba
So I beg of you–stop acting on screen. Go away for a while. I doubt you need the money. Go try the stage or something. Build up some credibility in another medium. But don't subject me to the knowledge that somebody with a golden statue can do a film that probably had serious discussion as to whether or not it would be straight to video. I don't like you, I don't respect you, and if you do not cease and desist I will be forced to get Wayne Brady to fuck you up.
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/8/2007 9:54:15 AM
Not bad, not bad at all. This was pretty darn funny. I was just talking about this the other day with my family. my dad hates black guys. hates hates hates them. He even got a tattoo when he was younger with the cross with the dots on top that means I hate black people. my mom made him get something over it after they were married. the point is, my dad loved cuba gooding jr. He said he should win an academy before denzel. He loved jerry mcguire and men of honor. but after he saw the preview for snow dogs and boat trip he said, "isn't that just like a n-word, taking shit roles for some money, so sad".
note: I do not share in my father's beliefs in anyway and I'm completely against racism, but he has a point there. what other reason is there to take a part in boat trip? he had to read the script first, right?
Posts: 65 Rank: 94 Joined:
7/12/2007
Location:
Buffalo, NY
Posted: 8/8/2007 10:26:18 AM
I fucking loved Sled Dogs! I kid, I kid.
I never thought Cuba was that great an actor. Sure, he was in Boys N Da Hood, but his acting is not what made that movie shine, it was Ice Cube's gritty script. Cuba's part could have been interchangable with any B-list black actor. Hmmmm Ice Cube....how's his acting career doing nowadays?
Has always been a complete joke, and to win his Oscar he beat William H. Macy's performance in Fargo-give me a fucking break. He also set blacks back about 50 years with his Deion Sandersesque acceptance speech. I bet Stepin Fetchit even shuddered after seeing that speech. His resume on imdb.com reads like a 3rd trimester abortion.
In other news, I won $300 on Amanda winning age of love. Google her if you can, the very definition of "patriots uniform, bengals helmet."
"He went into the same record shop as before, and now the boss is like "Juan, welcome to my store."
Posts: 24 Rank: 162 Joined:
12/12/2006
Location:
Dothan, AL
Posted: 8/8/2007 10:34:40 AM
This is pretty funny. I actually had a conversation like this with my brother the other day. It is the commercial that did it for me. Fuck the movies, I don't have to see them if I don't want to, but that stupid ass commercial comes on with out warning. Prior to the commercial I was neutral towards him, but now that I've had to endure that POS I fucking hate the guy.
How could someone like that pull such a 180?! He's a disgrace now. Even Ice Cube has more cinematic street cred than Cuba......AND HE'S NOW STARRING IN SHIT LIKE "Are we there yet?".
When I saw the Hanes commercial the other day, I felt so sad that I couldn't even get angry. He's now composed entirely of pure, unfiltered suck.
Easy target, but you did not suck again. Now if we could only get you to stay away from commenting on the boards. That would be golden.
How was this Daddy Day Camp ever made? If Eddie Murphy and that fat guy from Larry David refused to sign on I would propose that it has to be a big pile of stinkin' shit sprinkled with Baffoe comments.
Posts: 231 Rank: 29 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 8/8/2007 10:46:52 AM
White people still make up the great majority of this country, and a great majority of those white people harbor racist feelings to varying degrees. But even racist people like Christine's father need one or two darkies that they can point to and say, "well, that one ain't too bad.
When it comes to film, they've come in two different forms: The schuck and jive nugga and the non-threatening actor. Cuba could have gone down either road, but couldn't choose one - so Wayne Brady and Will Smith inherited positions previously held by Sidney Poiter, Sammy Davis Jr, and Bill Cosby. Cuba is disposable.
Plus the dude is talentless and deserves everything he gets (or doesn't) after that Private Santiago code red affair.
Posts: 1252 Rank: 8 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 8/8/2007 10:51:53 AM
Taking a shitty movie roll or selling bottles of water on the street corner during your lunch break?
Sorry bro, it's kinda ghetto and you know that.
Seriously, sell coke to your co-workers, at least theres no shame in that and it will make you popular amungest the 25-35 year old white crowd at work. Another thought as a personal trainer you could start selling roids, you could do both! What every you do go legit, okay not litterally legit, but really STOP SELLING WATER!!!!!
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