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Are you sick and tired of spending an entire Sunday making apologies to friends, ex-lovers, and your mother-in-law because fifteen vodka tonics was ten too many? Do you consistently wake up and rue dancing with that fat chick to that fucking "Gasolina" song? Has the inability to discern the "right one" on a consistent stupored basis given your crabs herpes? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you are a total jagoff... I mean, well, friend, have I got the solution for you!
Introducing T. Owen Baffoe's Inebriated Moments Video Service™. I, T. Owen Baffoe, am providing this remarkable service to you, the asshole who can't hold his or her booze. "But T." you ask, "how does your service work?" First of all, call me Mr. Baffoe. Second, let me show you some examples of the work I can do for you, the intolerant lush:
Meet Dolf. Before he contacted me, Dolf was a complete embarrassment to his family and friends. It was after a Memorial Day barbeque that a relative gave him my card and told him that if Dolf did not seek my help immediately, he would no longer be invited to any weddings in the family (nor allowed near domestic animals). After taping Dolf and showing him just how his behavior was affecting his loved ones, he swore of the sauce and is now a prominent talent agent in Beverly Hills, representing the likes of Jackie Mason, Charro, and our own Charlie DeMarco!
Ladies, ever think it might be those loose lips you get after a few boxes of Franzia that has kept you always the bridesmaid and never the bride? That was the case for Tiffany here. It was at her best friend's wedding that I was able to show her how alcohol was leading to a foul mouth and horrible hairdos™two definite turnoffs for any respectable gentleman. After seeing this clip and asking me if I knew which groomsman she locked herself in the bathroom with for several hours (it was all of them, as well as the bride's father), Tiffany saw the light. She is now a happily married homemaker in Nashville with seven adorable children. Almost paradise indeed.
Are you consistently the joke of your office shindigs? Jenny certainly was. Alcohol and a loathing for one's boss certainly don't mix well as you can see here. Jenny lost her job because of this. But after using my service and swearing off drinks at office functions, she is now at an upper-level position at Dairy Queen, and she's definitely looking over her shoulder before she talks shit about coworkers from now on!
Tired of being the funny fat guy in your group of friends, consistently subjected to binge drinking solely for the amusement so-called "friends." Well, these chaps certainly were. But they had the wherewithal to contact me, and now they are no longer the butt of jokes. Some have even graduated college. They're all still virgins, though.
But we all know infamous pukers out there. It happens. What's worse are those like Stu™those whose lack of stomach fortitude leads to a lack of intestinal fortitude™the ultimate assbag. Ironically, Stu, after contacting me and cleaning up his act, is now an attorney who represents a major adult diaper company. Go figure!
And fellas, how many times has your lady friend taken advantage of your drunken state and chosen to verbally castrate you in front of others. Well, it's never happened to me because I'm not a pussy and my girl knows she'll get a kick in the teeth right quick, but I'm here to help you, just like I helped Matt. Since this taping, Matt has swore off both alcohol as well as women. He's now in a stable, loving relationship and lives in Chicago's Lakeview neighborhood working for a small business that specializes in puffy vests.
And who doesn't have that one particular friend you're embarrassed to bring to a sporting event (thanks for ruing the Cubs/Sox series by the way, Steve). If you don't have such a friend, then you're probably the guilty party, just like Rick used to be. Ol' Rick was banned by the NCAA from ever attending another event. But the main thing is he now has his life in check. Three Johnston City Little League Umpire of the Year awards later, nothing can beat the partially-toothed smile on Rick's face.
If you're still not convinced of the magic I can work for you I ask you to listen to my biggest endorser. Before I met this man, he was a party animal, banging whores, riding the White Pony, and running the Texas Rangers into the ground. Today, he is orchestrating the most awe-inspiring war since Vietnam. Could he have conducted himself and performed his duties the way he has the past seven years if he were drunk. I don't think so.
So there you have it. Don't let another night go by without my presence. Seeing yourself at your worst will lead to best, and I can help you. And ladies, act now and I will slash my fee in half. Just remember--the contract you sign demands that I film you until you fall asleep--whenever or wherever that may be--and anything goes. Again, it's what's best for you. Just ask my new wife:
Inebriated Moments Video Service™ -- Making Your Last Night of Drinking a Taped One.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 5/23/2007 10:38:01 AM
Pretty damn awesome Tim. Good job. I don't have sound on my ancient computer, but the images are quite enough. And yes, I am the drunken bridesmaid, let's just get that out there early.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 5/23/2007 10:56:49 AM
I had to wear one like that in Barney purple. It was awful and the bride wanted to bring back French twists. It might as well have been an 80s wedding.
Posts: 452 Rank: 28 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/23/2007 10:58:52 AM
Liked the images. One of my family's favorite videos was at my grandparent's 50th anniversary. One of my cousins has the camera and is interviewing my grandmother, when the camera suddenly runs away from my grandmother to catch a cousin's boyfriend spewing the longest stream of projectile vomit you have ever seen, right into the champagne waterfall. Women and children were screaming and running away, it was fucking beautiful.
Posts: 47 Rank: 57 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Naptown, IN
Posted: 5/23/2007 12:28:44 PM
And with a halfer in my jeans that I remembered I was on the phat phree and got really nervous that the last girl was going to pull down a skirt and show me a penis. I am relieved, to say the least. Well done. And thank you.
of the fine spirits and other alcoholic beverages that cause these drunken, yet entertaining, misadventures will never let this get off the ground. It’s a great idea, and that’s the problem. You are loosing business for these companies and they need the drunken assholes you are helping so that their wonderful products can stay on the shelves of our favorite liquor stores.
Watch your back man. I've heard Jim Beam is a nasty, vengeful drunk.
that's quite a collection you put together there, nice work. The best is at weddings when they have the little room with a camera so everyone can record their best wishes for the happy couple. that shit is priceless, it's always a group of 3 or 4 and at least one person out of each group is a trainwreck. The uncomfortable silences and looks of "did he really just say that" are great.
Game - best drunk innappropriate act or statement:
mine: I thought this was hilarious and still kinda do, but everyone else reacted like I dropped a baby. My best friends gf is kind of a bitch sometimes and has a little WT thing going, so when she was annoying me the other night, I yelled, basically to the entire bar, that I still can't believe that she wasn't cast for Kim Bassinger role of eminem's mom in 8 mile.
This may not sound like much, but it didn't go over well. silence, except for the sound of one similarly ruthless friend of mine giving me a high-five.
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