Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
Good morning, children. Welcome to your first day of kindergarten. Boy, there sure are a lot of you, aren't there. Say, just to get things started, I'd like to take a moment and get to know you all a little bit. First, please raise your hand if your birthday is in June, July, or August.
Okay, I guess I might as well explain why that is. You see, about six years ago, some people did a very bad thing, and it made everyone in the country very afraid and forced them to think about what they were doing with their lives. Now, the logical reaction to a national tragedy of that magnitude would be to say, "I refuse to bring another innocent life into a world where something terrible like this can happen". But instead, a lot of mommies and daddies, or in most cases just the mommies, decided that they needed to do something to makes themselves feel like their lives were worthwhile. As a result, all of you came along in the next nine to twelve months. Of course, after a while people sort of got over the very bad thing and they settled back into their comfortable familiar routines.
Just out of curiosity, please raise your hand if you can remember a time when you didn't go to day care.
That's what I thought.
What's that? You want to know why the people did the very bad thing? That's adorable. What's your name, dear? Madison? How many of the rest of you are named Madison?
Wow. In my class it was Jennifer, but I guess times change.
No, seriously, he really said 'I cannot tell a lie'.
Anyway, Madison, it's wonderful that you still think it's fun to know things. That feeling won't last. Pretty soon it will actually be important for you to know things, but you won't care. And of course, those of you who still think it's fun to know things will be constantly tormented because of it.
To get back to your question, Madison, I can't tell you why the people did the bad thing. The curriculum says you won't learn that until the second grade, and even then it will mostly be lies. Then in sixth grade they will admit that they lied to you in second grade and they'll tell you new lies that they'll expect you to believe. Or, at least, repeat. By the time you get to tenth grade, they might actually tell you the truth, but like I said, by then you won't care.
This will also be the case for the Civil War. And the American Revolution. And Vietnam. And most of the rest of American History. And Government, for that matter. In fact, I were you, I'd stick to things that either entirely empirical, like Math, or entirely subjective, like Literature.
No, Connor, because there's no funding for Art or Music.
Because we can't measure the results.
Anyway, children, I want you all to understand that school is an adventure. You'll make friends, and probably enemies. There will be victories and disappointments. Most of your social interactions will be with the same people, over and over again, and so if you're smart the main thing that you'll learn is how to manipulate situations to your advantage. If you're not smart, you'll learn to coast, which is just as effective.
Okay, that's it for the morning address. Now it's nap time. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Posts: 750 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 8/31/2007 5:40:40 AM
A couple years ago a tertiary ‘friend’ cock-blocked me. If there is one thing you need to know about me is that I hold a grudge like a motherfucker.
Well tonight, at the bar, this ‘friend’ is hitting on this ‘girl’. Now I say ‘girl’ because I happen to know that the ‘girl’ he is hitting on is a Thai male to female transgender because he/she came into my ER.
This ‘chick’ is all over his nuts, and he looks as happy as a pig in shit. They started making out in the bar. Graphically. His tongue is down her throat like a thirsty Rottweiler slurping from a toilet bowl. It was like porno with clothes on. Disgusting.
They went home together. I can’t wait to hear what happens.
Posts: 452 Rank: 25 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 8/31/2007 8:18:41 AM
The beauty of living in a backwards town like mine is that there is only one public trany and he does not even try hard. This he/she walks the streets in clothes that are too small for his fat ass, the wig is never in place, the make up never looks right, he has 5 o clock shadow, and does not even try to change his deep-as-the-ocean voice.
All in all, a sexy beast.
P.s. I agree with Muenster, The article blew donkey dong.
this was actually pretty good. Vert, since you are the local statistician, what percentage of my posts start or end with "fuck you all"? Any estimate? That's why I'm beloved, well that and the fact that I get more poon than the rest of ya.
Oh, one quick other thing, I just did my auction draft last night. I will never, with the exclusion of TPPFF, do a non-auction draft again. It was too much fun. It's the pure joy of gambling and bluffing mixed in with fantasy analysis and talking shit on your friends. You really can manipulate people. I made one of my buddies pay 48 dollars in a 100 cap league for Stephen Jackson. Yes, he's good, but that's more than LT went for. I just knew I could force it and he wouldn't quit.
Posts: 1510 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/31/2007 10:20:49 AM
I thought this was pretty good. I wonder how they'll spin the 9/11 attacks to the youth of tomorrow. All I know is when I've been down to Ground Zero I feel like stabbing every person I see with the "9/11 was an inside job" t-shirts and pamphlets. Sometimes I wish treason was still punishable by death.
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/31/2007 10:30:38 AM
I thought it was pretty funny, but then again, I once laughed at Mako.
Speaking of tppff, who is everyone hoping to get? I'll tell if you tell.
My roommate's pathetic excuse for a boyfriend gave me some pointers. then he asked me who I was in a ff league with and I said, "some of my friends" and he named a bunch and I said, "nope, none of them". finally my roommate said, "probably her weird internet friends". I'm mortified.
I'm a little insulted that I call Toque almost every time I'm drunk and he never calls me. DOes this mean that he only answers my calls out of pity?
Posts: 452 Rank: 25 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 8/31/2007 10:33:05 AM
"I feel like stabbing every person I see with the "9/11 was an inside job" t-shirts and pamphlets" "Sometimes I wish treason was still punishable by death."
Damn balls, If I was gay I would gotten engaged to you instead. That was a beautiful thing to say. It touched me deep inside!
Use the form at the right to log in for more options.
