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There she is
You know how they say there's someone out there for everyone? Well I always thought that was complete and utter bullshit.
Actually it still could be, but it turns out it might also be true, and I know because against all odds I managed to find that special person who's just perfect for me in every way. There's only one problem: she's a 63-year-old migrant laborer from China.
Yeah, go figure. Here I am a 26-year-old Canadian web writer that spends most of his personal time listening to hip-hop records, watching Comedy Central and masturbating with self-hatred unmatched by any other partial Jew in the world, and my star-crossed lover is a post-menopausal Chinese widow that mixes concrete for less than I pay for the Internet each month.
So how do I know Yi Xiangtso is perfect for me? Well, it happened when I fell asleep watching the Discovery Channel. When I woke up there she was, right in the middle of a crowd of 75,000 people in some shitty news serial about the plight of the Chinese worker.
You know how people always say, "You know when you know?" Well I know, you know?
It was, in a very literal sense, love at first sight.
Beyond that you can call it a hunch, but I'm as sure of this as I am that I can't afford to bring her here and take care of her the way my angel deserves. And it's just my fucking dumb luck too.
I mean really what are the chances? All of the cliches and all of the times I watched Say Anything have prepared me for this moment, and now it's so far out of reach that not even standing on the edge of Shaolinsi holding a juke box blasting Peter Gabriel high above my head while she carries rocks up a steep hill will allow us to be together.
Besides let's face it, I'd get killed long before I made it anywhere in rural China blasting Peter Gabriel, although, maybe if it was the Wu-Tang Clan.
Yeah, can't you just picture it? Me outside some mud hut next to a coal mine that stretches as far as the eye can see, bumping "Da Mystery of Chessboxin?" Hot shit. I'd be beating off the baby makers with every ounce of strength I had.
Another day at work
No, that's not fucking going to work at all. I'm completely screwed. Destined to remain unfulfilled finger fucking boring white girls in movie theatre parking lots only to have my mind drift back to my Asian honeydrop.
Wait. I've got it! Don't guys buy women from that part of the world all the time? I mean, what's that whole Mail Order Bride thing all about? Do you think there are any connections there with the migrant Chinese laborer market?
I mean, where are all these women coming from anyway? I guess if you can adopt an infant girl from China than I should be able to have them ship over an aging lonely woman at a pretty good price. I wonder if it'd be anything like buying a used car?
Of course I'd treat her like the classic she is, but wait, no that's stupid too, how in the hell would they even find her? Son of a bitch. I give up.
On the other hand...
Hold on, no. Take a deep breath. Why the fuck am I stressing anyway? How many people actually find their "soul mate" ever? I'm starting to think this whole experience is just plain wrong.
Hmmm. That actually gives me an idea.
The fellas at work
Maybe, instead of spending countless money and hours search for Yi and bringing her to me, I could take those resources and have 10 or 12 women that fit her description sent over and see if any of them are passable as doubles. Yes! That's it. I'm a fucking genius.
Man, I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner, after all what's that they're always saying? Something about them all looking the same I think.
Then again, they also said money can't buy you love. I'll tell you this much: whoever they are, they're sure not Chinese.
Shipping and Handling is a bitch and you might have to pay an import tax on something like that. You would be better off taking a lawn chair and cooler down to the docks and waiting. They have to come out of those shipping containers sometime.
Posts: 1510 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/17/2007 8:34:21 AM
I can't tell you how many times I've been on some form of public transportation and been near toppled over by one of these four foot assasins. They do not fuck around on the bus, that's for sure.
I have a 32 year old chick who is arriving back in DC from a long business trip. This chick has never let me stab (she had me on some 3 month rule, go figure). Anyway, she wants me to pick her up from the airport tonight, and she is acting like she is gonna give me some meat. (She is a arrogant, bitch)
However, I got this 18 year old beauty (just picture the late singer Aliyah), who is begging for me to stab her stew pot. She wants to spend the night to get away from her evil sister, who wants to drag her to work on Saturday morning. (we are soulmates)
TPP: Do I revenge stab the "old bitch" for making me wait, then never answer her calls again?
Or do I make "sweet love stew" with my precious Baby Girl, and watch her sleep afterwards while holding my pillow close?
Posts: 419 Rank: 47 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/17/2007 9:36:10 AM
Maybe its because its early, maybe its the Del Taco I ate right before bed, but I cracked not a smile nor chuckled in amusement. Hey, don't get me wrong, Asian chicks can't be beat (well, they can, just make sure its open handed).
But it's nice to see Kiele finally being written about.
"now I'm all juiced up on mornin', 'cause mornin' is when heroes stand tall in the statues of men..."
Posts: 2748 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/17/2007 9:45:42 AM
It was pretty funny. Good job AJ.
Digger, its too early for this. I just gagged four times while reading your post. I understand its hilarious to refer to sex as stabbing, trust me, I do, but "stew pot"? c'mon. do not fuck the bitch. the best thing you can do is ignore her altogether. if you fuck her, she's just gonna think, this guy has been waiting for this forever. just tell her to beat it right off the bat and murder the new meat with your penis.
Posts: 419 Rank: 47 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/17/2007 9:51:41 AM
What time is the old stuff coming in? Is it possible to nail her and ditch her then head off to young stuff and, well, make sweet sweet love to her anal cavity?
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