Posts: 1 Rank: 1962
Member Since:
4/8/2007
Location:
Toronto,
Posted: 8/17/2007
There she is
You know how they say there's someone out there for everyone? Well I always thought that was complete and utter bullshit.
Actually it still could be, but it turns out it might also be true, and I know because against all odds I managed to find that special person who's just perfect for me in every way. There's only one problem: she's a 63-year-old migrant laborer from China.
Yeah, go figure. Here I am a 26-year-old Canadian web writer that spends most of his personal time listening to hip-...
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Shipping and Handling is a bitch and you might have to pay an import tax on something like that. You would be better off taking a lawn chair and cooler down to the docks and waiting. They have to come out of those shipping containers sometime.
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/17/2007 8:34:21 AM
I can't tell you how many times I've been on some form of public transportation and been near toppled over by one of these four foot assasins. They do not fuck around on the bus, that's for sure.
I have a 32 year old chick who is arriving back in DC from a long business trip. This chick has never let me stab (she had me on some 3 month rule, go figure). Anyway, she wants me to pick her up from the airport tonight, and she is acting like she is gonna give me some meat. (She is a arrogant, bitch)
However, I got this 18 year old beauty (just picture the late singer Aliyah), who is begging for me to stab her stew pot. She wants to spend the night to get away from her evil sister, who wants to drag her to work on Saturday morning. (we are soulmates)
TPP: Do I revenge stab the "old bitch" for making me wait, then never answer her calls again?
Or do I make "sweet love stew" with my precious Baby Girl, and watch her sleep afterwards while holding my pillow close?
Posts: 420 Rank: 49 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/17/2007 9:36:10 AM
Maybe its because its early, maybe its the Del Taco I ate right before bed, but I cracked not a smile nor chuckled in amusement. Hey, don't get me wrong, Asian chicks can't be beat (well, they can, just make sure its open handed).
But it's nice to see Kiele finally being written about.
"now I'm all juiced up on mornin', 'cause mornin' is when heroes stand tall in the statues of men..."
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/17/2007 9:45:42 AM
It was pretty funny. Good job AJ.
Digger, its too early for this. I just gagged four times while reading your post. I understand its hilarious to refer to sex as stabbing, trust me, I do, but "stew pot"? c'mon. do not fuck the bitch. the best thing you can do is ignore her altogether. if you fuck her, she's just gonna think, this guy has been waiting for this forever. just tell her to beat it right off the bat and murder the new meat with your penis.
Posts: 420 Rank: 49 Joined:
4/9/2007
Location:
Littleton-ish, CO
Posted: 8/17/2007 9:51:41 AM
What time is the old stuff coming in? Is it possible to nail her and ditch her then head off to young stuff and, well, make sweet sweet love to her anal cavity?
Pooholes, not possible the "old bitch" arrives at Reagan at 12:10 a.m. By, that time me and Baby Girl will be making that "chicken pot pie gravy" (is that better Christine?)
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:08:41 AM
I don't pretend to know what goes on in a 32-year-old woman's mind all the time, but I think you got to go with the barely legal material here. Is she is as hot as you say she is then it's kind of a no-brainer. A 32-year-old that's making you wait three months and then pick her up at the airport is probably into something serious and judging by your recent Madden bings of weed and cheap vodka it doesn't seem like you are. Plus, think about this: the 32-year-old may be decent looking, bt in 14 years she'll be 46 and the 18 year old will then only be 32. Shocking I know.
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:20:32 AM
that was not better. you are severely limiting the things I will ever eat in the future. please don't mix sex with cheezits, rye bread, and french fries and I'll be ok.
Balls is not only a genius, he's very very right. Oldy locks is probably looking to get knocked up.The clock's a tickin. she might say she doesn't want anything from you, but in 3 years she may decide she can't handle it and drop that little bastard off on your step. the young one is not thinking about kids and if she is, run. Now forget about the aging whore and make a steaming crock pot of chili with the young girl. (I hate chili so its ok).
You are right. Now, that i think about it, the 32-year old is on that "serious" bullshit. It is all coming together, that "bitch" has been to like 3 weddings in the last month or so. She even invited me. Fuck her!! A Wedding is the most emasculating thing imaginable.
Posts: 260 Rank: 26 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:22:34 AM
When I picture Aaliyah I picture R. Kelly "stabbin'" her 14 year old "stew pot" and it makes me feel a little queesy.
You not showing up to pick up the old broad will only increase the chances of plowing that field at a later time at your own convience. I suggust you hate fuck it, finish, tell her "you're welcome - now get out", and walk.
Posts: 803 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:26:51 AM
Ok, I was writing up a different game plan, but had to change it due to time of flight.
So, here's what you do:
Pick 18yr old up as early as possible. Immediately start bang session. Sink your photon torpedo into her exhaust port Star Wars style. Use force (the) if need be. Make sure the visit to Lovetron leaves her a quivering pile mush. Briefly wake her right before you leave. Tell her you have to go do "something" for an hour or so. Don't elaborate. She'll love this.
Remember son, hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Crush a couple Viagra pills into a fine powder and snort that shit like Tony Montana. Matriculate to airport rendezvous.
Immediately press 32yr old for Short Term Parking Lot head. Coordinate with friend to call your phone and "notify" you of family emergency. "Mom taken to hospital" a good one. Act frantic, apologize, and tell her you have to go, "…right now!" Drive her to Taxi station and kick her out of car. Provide cab fare if you’re feeling altruistic. Don’t if not.
Head home. Crawl back in bed with 18yr old. Get her to make you breakfast in the morning.
That "old bag" already has a 14 year old son. She is always talking about wanting a daughter. I am soo stupid. She is officially FIRED (I have been yelling "Your Fired" at all my co-workers this morning, I am still hung over).
You guys are soo much smarter then my homies in the hood. I told them my delima last night and they just looked at me and yelled "hurry up and pick your play".
Posts: 2831 Rank: 2 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 8/17/2007 10:34:06 AM
Do not do anything that SS has written. Girls will not love "i gotta go do something for an hour". Especially a black girl. You will hear: "Whatchu gotta do, somebody else? mutha fucker I didn't just give up my poon so that you can go stab some other trick, now tell me where da fuck you're going".
no girl ever believes the family emergency crap unless they are involved. she will know you nailed and bailed and she will be furious and make your life hell.
play it safe and just don't nail her. its quite simple.
You have gotten so good, love it. Tonight, I knock down a Svedka shot for you.
Anyone else surprised Christine likes carbs? Sorry angel, I had to.
Can 32yo's kid beat you in Madden? If so, maybe bang her (she's probably pretty good in bed) then learn some tips from him about the game. Eighteen will believe any ridiculous excuse, so bang her saturday.
I'm assuming they are both black, if one is white move her to the front of the line. Obvously.
"You got to lose, you can win all the time. Sittin around worrying about somebody don't like you, you're gonna lose your goddamn mind."
