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Colleges and universities around the country acted swiftly in response to Tuesday's announcement that Cho Seung-Hui, the now-infamous Virginia Tech gunman, was an English Major. The deans and presidents of every major center for higher education have suspended all English programs for the foreseeable future. Many experts in the fields of education and criminal profiling agree that this effort should prevent similar tragedies occurring.
"We see this as an important step," said Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings. "Never again will a young person's mind be warped by so-called 'poets' and 'novelists' who advocate the examination of the human condition. We can only hope that we're not too late."
All students currently studying English will be transferred to their schools' respective Philosophy departments. In addition to providing a boost to the economy by giving teaching positions to hundreds of otherwise unemployable Philosophy majors, the change in academic discipline should alleviate the development of any confused or anti-social tendencies in these students.
"With any luck, switching to Philosophy will help focus the former English students' minds," explained Jeremy Gilding, head of the Philosophy department at the University of Montana. "So much of literature is taken up with the ironies and injustices of life, while philosophy addresses why those things exist in the first place. It's eminently more practical.
"Of course, ideally, studying philosophy will turns these students off of books entirely and get them to go into advertising like they ought to. I haven't seen a Hemingway novel yet that can stand up to a good dose of Kierkegaard."
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The private sector has also taken up efforts to show their support for this new measure. Representatives of both the publishing and book retail businesses have announced plans to significantly reduce the amount and variety of reading material available which might unbalance the public in any way.
"We believe that we have a responsibility to the public good, and we've ignored that responsibility for far too long," said a spokesman for the Borders Group. "As a result, Borders, Waldenbooks, and Borders Express will be trimming the fat, or 'brain poison' from our stores and warehouses. Of course, we will still happily offer Chilton auto repair guides and Sudoku, while continuing to stock the most un-stimulating and inoffensive works of fiction, such as those written by Danielle Steele, Nora Roberts, Nora Roberts writing as J.D. Robb, and W.E.B. Griffin."
Steps are also being taken to monitor those who have already acquired English degrees, although a proposal to compile a national database of English majors has met with negative reactions by many.
"It's unfair to penalize or suspect other decent, law-abiding English students," claimed New Yorker fiction editor Peter MacNeill. "After all, if English degrees are outlawed, then only outlaws will have English degrees."
"It is not the intention of the government or the educational system to punish people simply for being English majors, but circumstances dictate that we must take reasonable precautions," explained Secretary Spellings. "Of course, it's entirely possible that someone may see this whole situation as a metaphor for something, and that's exactly the kind of behavior we're trying to prevent."
[Editor's Note: Our thoughts are with the families and friends of the victims of the shootings at Virgina Tech. It is in no way Dave's or our intention to make light of that tragedy. We just hope that in the search for answers, the reactionary urges can be resisted.]
Posts: 1252 Rank: 8 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
TPP Island, NY
Posted: 4/18/2007 9:11:41 AM
Will "The Five Chinese Brothers" still be available in elementary school libraries? I blame this book for any and all of my deviations from social norms.
I loved the absolute mocking of anybody that ever wasted time/money on a philosophy degree, and the contradictory tone of the article.
J.Mattthews - Big Lebowski references always get a "+"
Posts: 1044 Rank: 9 Joined:
3/13/2007
Location:
Denver, CO
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:09:11 AM
is that with the constant increase in the US big brother mentality, this probably isn't too far off. I mean we already have laws banning trans fat to "protect" fat asses who dont realize eating a bag of Oreo cookies isnt good for you, whats to stop them from banning books like the good ol days.
Posts: 96 Rank: 44 Joined:
3/16/2007
Location:
Kansas City, MO
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:32:49 AM
People who over-react should be caned, and repeatedly slapped in the face with prickly pear cactus, while being fed to ravenous wild hogs. Or, maybe just ridiculed. Either one is fine.
Also the media going politik on a massacre like this, shows again how shallow and attention hungry the dumbfucks are. I hate them, doesn’t matter which side, or what station, they are all the same.
Posts: 1510 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:35:30 AM
This was a good way of making light of an unfortunate tragedy. The sad thing is I don't believbe there are a lot of answers to be found at VT. Some say that the guns are too easily available, but I wonder if that's the cause. I don't know what we can do to prevent such things.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/18/2007 10:39:00 AM
the author mentioned Cho Seung-Hui! he must be mocking the 32 victims!!! where the fuck are you when i need you Your-Honor-Sheriff-Judge Kickass? where is all the pissing and moaning now you self righteous, carlos mencia obsessed prick? remember, when you hop up on your fucking soapbox, the crowd can see up your skirt.
on another note, this was great dave. a good comeback from that airport applebee's debacle, and on a touchy subject no less. 4 nihilists falling down stairs to avoid violence.
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