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Get the fuck out of my face.
LOS ANGELES, CA (TPP) -- In a move previously thought impossible, native New Yorker / California transplant Ronnie Caifa has finally managed to shut the fuck up about the "shitty excuse for pizza they have in California" after discovering a reasonable facsimile of New York pie at a local restaurant, bringing to an end nine consecutive years of bitching and moaning.
Sources close to Caifa have already begun weighing in on the stunning news. "Sweet Mother of God, never in a million years did I think he would ever, EVER shut the fuck up about the pizza thing. This is the greatest day of my life, better than the day I met my wife, better than the birth of my son. Thank you God, for shutting him the fuck up." said friend and colleague Rich Espinoza.
The revolutionary pizza discovery- and subsequent shutting the fuck up- came last week during a chance stop at Lou's New York Style Pizza in Culver City. "We stopped at this place Lou's on the way back from softball," said Caifa. "Didn't expect much, but I gotta tell you, it's not bad. Not like that other crap they call pizza out here. What's wrong with these fruitcake idiots, can't they get anything right?"
"We were all dreading this trip, to be honest," recalls Espinoza. "We tried to steer him towards burgers since the trips for pizza always end up the same way. Ronnie just goes on and on. ' The pizza's no good out here. The crust sucks. They don't know from pizza. ' What does that even mean, they don't know from pizza? Is that even a real sentence?"
Caifa, born and raised in New York, moved to Los Angeles nine years ago to pursue stunt work, while also working part time a party rental company. Despite enjoying an unparalleled quality of life in California, dating a series of attractive women, and living walking distance from one of the best beaches in the United States, Caifa had never gone longer than 3 days without lamenting the lack of good pizza in California to anyone and everyone who would listen.
"Either they're eating that Domino's garbage, or it's some kind of whole wheat hippie crap with octopus and asparagus on it."
After 20 minutes, Sorenson was forced to take drastic measures.
Coworker Emily Sorenson, who was also elated at Caifa's shutting the fuck up, remembered a recent lunchtime incident. "They brought in pizza to have a going away party for someone who was leaving, it was from some little place around the corner. Ronnie cornered me in my cubicle and went on a tirade about how it was nothing compared to the stuff back home. Something about the water being bad, the sauce was terrible, there's no flavor to it. All I know is it went on for over 20 minutes. I tried IM'ing Jerry two cubicles over from me to come bail me out, but he left me hanging. Prick."
Until Caifa finally shut the fuck up, Espinoza had been equally frustrated. "Hey look, I have a sister who lives in Queens and I can't get an apple over there that doesn't have mealworms in it. And between you and me, the pizza's not that much different."
"I heard that! What the hell are you talking about?!" [Editor's note: At this point, we stopped the tape as Caifa burst in from the adjoining office and proceeded to go on another pizza-oriented rant. I have to admit, it did take a good thirty-five minutes for him to shut the fuck up]
Espinoza finally continued, "Honestly, if I have to listen to one more New York transplant gripe about the Goddamn pizza, I'm going to put a hydrogen bomb in Radio City Music Hall."
Mealworms on pizza: "The stuff out west is crap."
Though frequently placated by strained smiles and patronizing nods, Caifa has found genuine camaraderie with several other ex-New Yorkers, none of whom are capable of shutting the fuck up about the pizza in California. Caifa had gone as far as forming a loosely affiliated group of ex-pats who would fruitlessly go in search of "a pie that didn't taste like Wonder Bread and rubber gloves."
For his part, Espinoza now plans to order several of Lou's pies each week to Caifa's house at his own expense, in an effort to prolong Caifa's shutting the fuck up.
Caifa, finally pleased with a "tolerable" pizza, said he plans to pick up several this weekend on his way to watch the game with his friend Paul, a Massachusetts native who swears up and down that "the clam chowder out here is made with tater tots and piss."
Posts: 115 Rank: 2104 Joined:
7/23/2007
Location:
Albany, NY
Posted: 8/31/2007 1:28:23 AM
and I can laugh. In this case, it's not even funny. I am totally Ronnie Caifa. I moved from Nassau Country to Albany 7 years ago, and I still can't shut the fuck up about bad pizza.
I can only imagine how absolutely excruciating it must be for my friends, every time we order. People from Rochester, Cleveland, Hartford...they all must want to tie me down and drop a steamer on my face.
Posts: 26 Rank: 140 Joined:
12/15/2006
Location:
Chicago, IL
Posted: 8/31/2007 2:45:57 AM
The crappy pizza isn't the problem, it's that he's a fucking New Yorker. They NEVER shut up! Next it's how there isn't a decent deli or bagels, then it's how you got a better cut of beef at the steak house, then it's geez this traffic is nothing compared to the Holland Tunnel. Christ, it's like they're LOOKING for excuses to remind you they lived in New York City.
Odds are they were born in North Carolina or something and spent two years commuting to midtown Manhattan from the suburbs. All of a sudden they're Billy fucking Crystal.
Here's a revelation. New York pizza is nothing special. It's no better or worse than the thin crust you'll get in any given town north of the Mason-Dixon line. And thin crust in California is no worse (unless you're talking that foofy California Pizza Kitchen shit, which oughta be outlawed.)
Posts: 1517 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 8/31/2007 8:36:15 AM
I moved to NYC from California a year ago and this guy in the article is partly right. It's not that there's no good pizza in California, it's that there's good pizza every-fucking-where in New York. You're never more than one block from a pizza place and most of them actually know what they're doing.
But, you know what New Yorkers...fuck you because you shitheads couldn't make a burrito to save your life! What the fuck is going on out here? I see Mexicans all over the place here (Wait-they're Puerto Ricans? What's the difference? Who gives a shit? Don't they eat burritos there too?). The last place I went to I think the guy actually took a shit in a flour tortilla and sprinkled lettuce on top. It's gotten to the point that I actually look forward to going to Chipotle. Did you hear me? Chipotle! If I told my friends back home about that they'd slap me through the phone.
Posts: 452 Rank: 26 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 8/31/2007 9:19:20 AM
lets be fair. New Yorkers are only loud mouthed because they have to be. Have you ever tried to speak in a town full of Puerto Ricans? Those are some loud ass fuckers. I'm surprised all New Yorkers aren't mute from screaming over them all day!
Balls, if it was a turd in a tortilla, it probably a fucking Puerto Rican.
I feel your pain. After having been stationed in San Diego for almost four years, I haven't had a good burrito since. I get excited everytime I hear about a new Mexican place, only to be disappointed by some Tex-Mex shit. They put in a Chipotle a year ago and I got all excited. It's about fucking taste, not stuffing a bunch of shit inside so it falls apart as you're eating it.
Posts: 758 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 8/31/2007 10:34:18 AM
I hate the fucking Yankees and all of their fans. Fucking hate....like worse than that song Mickey (Christ...a sonic nadair*).
...oh…we're talking about pizza and New Yorkers? Pro on the former, con on that latter.
In an odd twist, the best pizza places here in DC are operated by North Africans. As-salamu alaykum, and thanks for the slice bro, now call your dad...'cause I need a cab ride over to Georgetown, STAT.
Posts: 758 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington, DC
Posted: 8/31/2007 10:43:19 AM
Not sure what the fuck is up with my (yes, Christine) "avatar". My profile has been jacked up ever since posting my Ode to Douche pic (this speaks volumes). Anyway, looks like the admins fixed one problem (thanks) but in doing so possibly created another. DeMarco or whoever, if you can work it? Thanks and sorry, again.
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Anyone else hate how cab drivers tell you their life philosophy during a ride? Sometimes I don’t mind the chit chat. But other times, fuck. Indians (dot type) and Middle Easterners the worst. So fucking self righteous. Anyway, I let them babble and then religiously retort with, "That's great, man. Oh, mine? Fuck a lot of chicks and try not to kill anyone." Remainder of ride usually silent.
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