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Hi, Heroes! Dazzlin’ Dave Amiott here to give you the skinny on the goings-on around here at the Phat Phree (skinny – phat…get it?).
February was a huge month for all of you Phree-dom lovers out there, what with the Danish cartoon flap and Cheney shooting that guy to provide more grist for our merry mirth-making mill. Round things out with a new gem from Masculine Mike Polk and some dynamite work from that Nattering Nabob of ‘N-tertainment Napalm Jones and February looks to be one tough month to beat! I’d say we’re going to need at least an extra three days in March to top it, and we’re off to a great start!
Which brings me to my story. This past Monday I was hunkered down in my pleasant little corner of the Phat Phree offices when I get the dreaded call to report to Chucklin’ Charlie DeMarco. Gathering up my courage, I sauntered down the hall, pausing only to pop my head in to say hi to Bounteous Brenda Della Casa, who was working on her latest masterpiece.
“Hey, Brenda,” I said. “Can’t wait to hear your take on the situation in South Dakota!”
She flashed me one of her brilliant smiles and said “I’m sorry, who are you?”
“Ha ha!” I laughed. “Always the kidder! Keep ‘em rolling, True Believer”
With that I hustled on over to Charlie’s portion of the place. It’s never a good idea to keep the Big Cheese waiting, and boy was he fuming mad when I arrived!
“Amiott, get in here!” He barked.
“Sure thing, Chief,” I said as I settled into one of the more comfortable Louis XIV chairs that Charlie clutters up his office with. “Say, how’s the search for Martone going?”
“Better,” he said, lighting a Segundo with a portrait of Ben Franklin. “They found a tibia in Budapest that they think might be his.”
“Groovy,” I said. “If no more of him turns up, what are the odds of me getting his spot on the Featured Writers list?”
“Don’t press your luck. You’re already in it pretty deep.”
“What do you mean, boss?” I asked, widening the old baby-blues.
“I assume that it hasn’t escaped your notice that for the past six months you have had the honor of having written the single lowest rated article in the history of our publication?”
“What, you mean ‘Audience Confused by Preview Selection’?” I was shocked. “Well, yeah, I knew it was a little more dry than people usually like, but it’s…”
Floors 14 to 23 are where the magic happens!
“It’s a steaming turd is what it is!” Charlie’s got such a way with a phrase. “I don’t know what I was thinking when I ran it!”
“Well, if you recall, it was last summer, back when you still wanted something new in every section every day, and not a lot of people were writing for the Entertainment section, and I had just seen a movie with some…”
“Would you knock it off with the run-on sentences?” he reprimanded me and I felt duly ashamed. “In any case, regardless of the historical context, last week your claim to fame was usurped.”
“Oh, yeah, the article about everybody being on Brett's tip. Don’t hold it against him, we’ve all written a stinker now and then.”
Charlie fixed me with one of his patented stares.
“Except you,” I quickly added.
“That’s better. Now, I was monitoring the situation very closely, and I noticed that thanks to a few 5-points votes over the weekend, ‘Preview Selection’ pulled ahead of ‘Tip’. Now don't you think that’s odd?”
“I guess it is,” I shifted uncomfortably. “But, hey, readers are fickle. It can take a while for an artist to truly be appreciated. Look at Van Gogh! Or Robert Benchley. Besides, maybe next week I’ll write something people really hate!”
“Goddamn it, do I look like a moron to you?” Charlie’s scary when he’s angry, and I think I peed a little. I quickly deduced that he wasn’t expecting an answer and kept my ever-loving trap shut. “I know how to trace an IP address, and all those votes came from the same computer!”
“Wow, what are the odds?” I asked.
“Shut your face-hole!” He snapped.
I was going to remind him that technically I have seven holes in my face, but quickly thought better of it. He continued.
“Now if there’s one thing the Phat Phree stands for, it’s integrity. If this ever got out, we’d be disgraced! Worse than those clowns at Defective Yeti! Now I fixed the rating system and removed those votes so no one’s the wiser. But you better not pull a stunt like this again!”
“Sure thing, Captain.” I said, preparing to slink back to my office. I was almost to the door when Charlie bellowed after me.
“And one more thing! Lay off the Will Ferrell bashing! He’s in talks to star in Striped Shirt- The Movie and if you queer that deal I’ll have your nut sac on a shish kebab!”
“No one tops you for colorful imagery, Chairman.” I bowed and left.
So there you have it, Noble Readers. Just another day of deceit, recrimination, and personal abuse here at the Phat Phree. And there’s plenty more where that came from, so be sure to check back every 24 hours. See you in 30! Excelsior!
I truly miss the insane rants of his greatness - Stan "The Man" Lee. Even a comedic parody on that guy doesn't stack up to the humor of the original. I also miss the not-so-clever one-frame cartoons that were in those.
Thanks for the memories, Dave.
deuce
your office
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Posted: 3/13/2006 9:43:30 AM
looks like a connect 4 board.
"face-hole" is awesome - i will be borrowing.
The GZA
Intentional?
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Posted: 3/13/2006 10:56:45 AM
Was this article intentionally bad? If so, good work. If not, bad work.
GH
?
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Posted: 3/13/2006 12:16:51 PM
Did somebody really write a striped shirt movie? That would be hysterical.
Max
Pull your head out of my ass, Amiott!
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Posted: 3/13/2006 1:46:20 PM
I really liked the newsroom angle of this one. It wasn't really crack-up type of funny, but it was a new, self-conscious approach. Charlie is the cigar chomping boss man, Dave is the gumshoe reporter. Good eye on Stan Lee, Timmah.
"Striped Shirt - The Movie" is a well of endless possibility. In the opening scene, he eats Red Bull with his cereal. You would need Ben Stiller to cameo as the guy the titular striped douchebag calls "the Douchebag". Vince Vaughn would be a good wingman, in a reprise / reversal of his role in Swingers.
You would have to be very careful to avoid this becoming "Roxbury II" ... keep Chris Kattan at least 1000 feet away lest he and his monkey stench infect another project.
Christine
I wish every article was like this
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Posted: 3/13/2006 1:56:55 PM
I really like when the authors write something personal. I don't care about real events. I would much rather read stories about a bunch of people I have never met. This was especially perfect because it made me imagine tpp world. I wish there really was a TPP office, because I would be the best receptionist there ever, and I would never get fired for reading and commenting all day. Quite beautiful and quite impressive Dave. keep up the good work.
Milton
Sorry
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Posted: 3/13/2006 5:40:37 PM
this sucked ass.
Dave
HAHAHAAAAA... Me likey
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Posted: 3/13/2006 6:47:45 PM
The comments are almost as entertaining. People are starting to run out of ways to insult the writers. They are rehashing the same old "abortion" analogies. I wonder why the same people come back day after day to say how bad the phat phree sucks? Between the comments and the funny articles, I spend more time on here than I do "working". Keep it up guys.
Dave C.
i enjoyed it
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Posted: 3/13/2006 7:47:10 PM
nice change of pace. boy that charlie sure is one evil ball-buster.
Dana
You Pulled A Jeremy?
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Posted: 3/14/2006 1:41:55 AM
What'd you do? Telnet into the network mainframe and FTP a perl script right through a DK trapdoor into the CGI server?
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