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Jessica Alba* is going to be in it! (*or a stripper that lives in my apartment complex)
Hola Senoritas! Ha! Just kidding. Anyways, I've got some great entertainment investment opportunities for anyone wishing to get rich off of a sure thing. If you're interested in investing, please send me an email specifying which project(s) you're interested in. First come, first serve!
Opportunity #1: The Harriet Tubman Movie
This is the type of movie that is so good it's going to make Forrest Gump look like a Japanese snuff-porn film. Along with that, this project will probably go down in history as being the most accurate portrayal of Harriet Tubman ever. I've used google and some books to research the life of Harriet Tubman and the result is this great film. Here are some sample scenes:
In this one scene, Harriet Tubman (played by Scarlett Johanson) is trying to tell these slaves how to find their way north. It's hilarious because this one guy is all like, "How in the fuck are we going to get north if we don't have a compass?" Harriet then acts all scared like the man's question has stumped her. This makes several slaves freak out and start screaming until Harriet smiles and explains how moss grows on the north side of trees. Everyone cheers and they proceed to eat the man who asked the dumb question as if they were wolves/zombies.
In another scene, Harriet Tubman manages to steal a speed boat and she is flying up the Mississipi river while these guys are chasing her and shooting muskets or whatever. They zip by this young white kid and large black man on a raft (CAMEO ALERT! - It's Huckleberry Finn and Jim!) The wake almost rocks the raft over and then Jim says (sidekick-like) "Dis raf wees on sucks mah dick!" The audience will laugh at that part because of how historically accurate it is and how inefficient rafting is compared to being in a boat that is powered by a motor.
Finally, there is this really moving scene where the guy who invented slavery is fighting Harriet Tubman on the tracks of the underground railroad. He's all like, "Slavery is forever bitch! Deal with it!" Harriet just smiles knowingly and the guy is confused as to why she would smile after he said something so mean. "She must get off on pain and degradation" he thinks. Suddenly, Harriet rolls of the tracks and the man turns just in time to see the underground train that Harriet built roll over him, spraying blood everywhere. Harriet too has sustained injury from the scuffle and is also bleeding. Ghandi walks up at this point and says (like a smart ass) "Though their skin color is different, they both bleed red." It's wise to say that, but times are tough so the mob decides to kill Ghandi by hitting him with rocks until he stops moving.
Opportunity #2: Untitled Steamy Romantic Thriller
Okay, let's get down to brass tacks here. My guess is that this project will be known as the steamiest romantic thriller ever. It's filled with suspense and really hot sex scenes, which audiences love.
The Underground Railroad
In one action-packed scene, these guys are chasing this other guy on motorcycles and he is driving this convertible. The bad guys are also shooting guns and shouting mean things like, "You're a bitch!" and "I'm going to shoot you in your fat ass, you fucking whale!" The dude in the convertible suddenly pulls the emergency brake and the car spins to a halt. The hero then jumps out (while the car is spinning) and rapes the two motorcycle villains even though he isn't gay. After that, the bad guys get gunned down by a helicopter and the good guy jumps off a bridge and lands in this inflatable raft that his Indian sidekick has arranged. Once they're safe, the main guy says to the Indian (as if he were Christopher Columbus), I'm glad your people aren't still totally pissed about whitey's stealing your land and nearly eradicating your entire race with trickery. This makes the Indian laugh and he says, "If I held grudges, how would be able to hold this oar that I am paddling with?" (*This is funny because the Indian is making a joke, which implies the act of holding a grudge requires hands)
In this really steamy sex scene that happens later, the hero is making out with this really hot girl while her parents are upstairs watching a movie. He starts feeling her up and she's like, "Talk dirty to me." The guy is all cool and he starts telling her how if she were a public bus stop, he would expose himself to the people waiting at her and then cower behind a dumpster and silently masturbate while the cops were trying to gather information about the bus stop pervert's identity. As expected, this makes the girl really hot and they have consensual, protected sex.
Opportunity #3: Stand and Deliver 2: Stand Taller and Deliver More, Faster
This film is going to be so inspirational, it will make you want to do something heroic like return the children you adopted despite whatever you promised them and then try to have your own legitimate children again. Here's what I mean:
There is this scene where the teacher is trying to convince a classroom full of pimps to learn math. One student says, "Learning is stupid," and he throws a paper ball at the teacher, which draws blood from his neck. Another student says, "Math this," as he uses one hand to motion towards his genitals. With his other hand, he throws a paper ball at the teacher, which slices open his leg, drawing even more blood. Instead of giving up, the teacher snaps his fingers and in walk two prostitutes. The classroom is silent/shocked by this unconventional event. The teacher pulls out a gun and proceeds to pistol-whip the two prostitutes into unconsciousness.
"Now, how many hoes did I just beat down?" the teacher asks.
"Two!" the entire class joyfully declares.
A MONSTER of an opportunity!
"That's correct," says the teacher. "And guess what? You guys just learned math!"
The students have mixed emotions over this news. Some cheer, others cry, and one guy is so overwhelmed he immediately drinks a type of poison that makes your skin melt off.
*Note: During this scene the audience will be crying because a really sad song like "I'll be Home for Christmas" will be playing in the background.
Posts: 1541 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 6/4/2007 2:07:25 PM
Like I previously stated I'm always up for random...but this might have gone over the edge. It kina felt like Mad Libs to me. Although there wee some brilliant moments. Basically, I just want to thank God and Charlie Demarco because they made this webiste and gave material like this a palce to exist.
Posts: 831 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 6/4/2007 2:12:58 PM
So I set up my girl this past week for my lie.
I kept complaining that my stomach hurt and told her I was going to check myself is because it hurt so bad. When I came home on Friday evening she asked, “So what did you find out?” I told her that they found a large mass on my liver and spleen and that they wanted to do a biopsy first thing Monday morning, *tear* (she’s a radiation therapist so she knows that it’s probably cancer & terminal).
She started bawling, telling me how much she loved me and that it was going to be ok. I let this go on until I couldn’t stand it anymore and looked her square in the eyes and told her, “Baby, its okay. I’m totally fucking with you. I’m fine.” She started punching me, calling me an asshole/that’s not funny, and told me that she wasn’t going to have sex with me for a month.
So later that night I had to do the whole, “Come on baby. I love you.” {rub/tickle} to eventually get some
Posts: 831 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Seattle, WA
Posted: 6/4/2007 2:14:19 PM
So after being pissed this whole weekend and spending the day with her mom on Sunday she comes home and give me the old, “We need to talk.” And like a retard, I suspect nothing.
She starts with, “Where do you see this relationship going? Are we going to get married? Etc.” After mumbling my way through excuses and trying my damnedest to avoid giving a concrete answer she tells me she’s over 2 weeks late and has been having morning sickness (I thought it was the bulimia). FUCK ME RUNNING.
So I go to Walgreens around 1:30 this morning and buy a pregnancy test ($20). I go home, she goes in the bathroom, I pour myself a pint of Jameson and start to pray, “Please God don’t let her be pregnant. I’ll stop cursing and swear I’ll give 10% of my income to the church if you just don’t let her be pregnant.”
She comes out of the bathroom holding the test and crying. She runs into the bedroom and buries her head in the pillows. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. Now it’s my turn to tell her it’s ok while she asks me, *sobbing* “I’m pregnant. What are we going to do?”
In my head I’m thinking, “We’re fucking getting rid of it.”, but I tell her, “We’ll do whatever you think is right.” She lets me comfort her for a while then starts laughing. I’m thinking she’s gone into hysterics, then she turns to me and says, “I soooooo got you motherfucker.”
That was the most diabolical thing that a woman has ever done to me. Ever.
Posts: 2036 Rank: 5 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 6/4/2007 2:39:13 PM
If you were just joking about asking her to marry you, then fuck you. If you let that little gem get away, I will personally check myself into your ward and shit my bed and throw the fecal matter at you while you clean me up.
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