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He fucks 'em all. Learn from this man.
If you're an attractive woman who is sick and tired of bad dates, then I'm sorry to hear that. Anyway, I think we should go on a date because I'm a really great guy. I know that's hard to tell from reading a personal ad so I thought maybe I'd walk you through what an evening with me entails. Just to warn you though, it's pretty steamy!
First off, some overprotective asshole from Social Services and I will swing by the bus stop closest to your house to pick you up. You sit next to me even though stupid Richard (from Social Services) instructs you to scream if I try to bite you or ask for drugs. From there, guess where we're going? The Zoo! Isn't that great? (Answer: Yes). Even though Richard will be creeping behind us the whole time, we can go see whatever animals you want to see. Want to see some baboons? Done. Bats? Let's do it. Horses? I can't because the manager of the zoo feels threatened by my knowledge of them, but how about some zebras?
At lunch we'll go to a concession stand and eat brisquet sandwiches and I'll do this great joke where I spread bbq sauce on my face to look like sideburns and then I dry hump a garbage can. Shortly after that, stupid Richard will make me eat a sedative because he can't tell the difference between a crowd applauding and a crowd screaming in fear.
If you're a fan of slapstick comedy, you'll love this one bit that I do where I wake up way too early from the sedative and try to bite Richard before he uses a taser to shock me back into a urine-soaked slumber.
Ewww! Don't you hate sedatives?
If you don't mind waiting a few hours, I'll wake up from my comatose state and immediately try to throw Richard out of the moving van. He'll try in vain to taser me again, but the battery will have run out and Richard will curse and wish aloud that he hadn't used it earlier to stop me from handing this alligator a letter I had written.
Once Richard is kicked out of the van, that's when the date gets really mature. We'll be on our way to a romantic evening complete with candles, intercourse, and homemade wine (boiled water with potpourri). We'll go someplace really sexy like The Olive Garden and I will tell this hilarious joke where I eat so much never-ending pasta that I throw up noodles into the fake plants that line the windows.
My Ride. I own this, but act like I don't...even though I do.
If you like sensitive guys, then get ready because around 9pm I'll crash from my manic state and then start crying and screaming at a pile of pasta that I've crudely fashioned into a bust of my dad. Then I'll set it up so I purposely get caught masturbating outside by the dumpsters. I'll act surprised and embarrassed, but on the inside, I'll be giggling because I knew that they were going to be throwing out the garbage around then.
That's basically it I think. Bring condoms or foil. Also, we can watch a movie depending on whether or not I can manage to hammer open the padlock my grandma keeps on the television. I know, it sounds like a blast! Email me and I'll let you know what time I'll pick you up. (I'll be on the Big Blue Bus sitting four rows back) Also, I panic and scream when I see the color "orange."
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/11/2007 7:36:40 AM
"Handing an alligator a letter I'd written" sound funny, but it's not far from the truth. You guys heard of the dumb ass in that got ripped to shreds by bears in a zoo? The dumb fuck survived and told the press that he jumped in to bears' habitat because one of the bears waived him in. True Story. That is either the smartest bear in the world, or the dumbest retard. You decide.
I think this article should yield some good Zoo or animal related stories.
never forget to mention that. I love it when a trainer/handler is attacked by a bear or lion during an interview. Think the animal waited for it's chance to be recorded attacking? maybe. Oh yea,for those of you that dont know, bears are not dogs. kick a dog in the balls, it's over for them; kick a bear in the nuts, its over for you.
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/11/2007 9:44:24 AM
I think it would depend on the woman. If she is the type that you don't know where she has been or what she's got, then use a condom. If she a skank, and you feel like giving her the painful pleasure of ripping her insides with a hateful fuck fest, use the foil. If you know for a fact that she has syphilis, go bear skinned. You get to go crazy before you die, and you have lived long enough.
Posts: 453 Rank: 32 Joined:
4/23/2007
Location:
Jackson, MI
Posted: 5/11/2007 11:25:05 AM
I count the seconds every day until some idiot I don't know posts some youtube about their family member, who I also don't know, so that I can send my time watching it and feel like I am finally part of something special! What sort of post is that? Has nothing to do with the article, nor anyone of the commenters, just your uncle. How self-absorbed can you be? Are we supposed to think you are cool because you are related to someone you define as a "baaad mother"?
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