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Who left the warehouse unlocked!?
Hi there. If you're like me, it's hard to tell when things are really happening or if you are just watching a movie. Because of that, I've answered some common questions that will help you keep the world of movies separate from your reality, which I'm told is healthy. Pay attention and your life can be fun and enjoyable, just like in that movie where I had sex with my neighbor's wife while he was at the gym.
Question #1: Is it ever okay to let a monkey play an organized sport like baseball?
Absolutely not. Though many great films have been made where a monkey enhances a team's performance and improves locker room morale, such a coaching strategy is best left to fiction. Not only does it undermine the long hours and hard work that goes into scouting human players, putting a monkey into a baseball game can be unpredictable and dangerous. Without intensive training, most primates are completely unable to understand the sport they are being asked to play and thus, cannot be expected to contribute in a safe and constructive way. For example, if a monkey is assigned to play third base, instead of fielding a ground ball and throwing it to first, he will probably opt to throw his shit into the crowd and then try to bite off the shortstop's testicles because he feels threatened by his gender. Having to sedate or kill an out of control monkey in front of thousands of baseball fans is bad for business even on giveaway nights.
Question #2: I'm a pretty well respected Reverend and I'm thinking about banning dancing in my town. Should I?
First off, I'd check and see if your status as Reverend even makes you eligible to manipulate laws. I don't think it does. However, in the event that you can, I would still advise against it. The act of trying to regulate a ban on a loosely defined action like "dancing" would be enough to make your head spin. Even if you got it out of local gymnasiums, dancers can be incredibly resourceful and would likely make use of nearly any other indoor facility. That crazy new kid in town with all the dance moves could easily drive out to some empty warehouse and dance all over the place. Even if you ask the warehouse foreman to make sure the place is dance-proof when he leaves for the night, what exactly does that mean? Sure, covering the hard floors with a layer of carpeting will guard against tap and break dancing, what about interpretive dance? That style is hard enough to define, let alone ban. Is running really fast and then jumping or swinging from a loose chain from one warehouse platform to another considered "dancing?" Personally I don't think it is, but do you think that matters to the rebellious youth screwing around in your warehouse? I understand that you believe it's a slippery slope. One minute kids are dancing and the next minute they're thinking, "Hey! Let's try rape now." Trust me though: A ban on dancing is not an issue that you want to touch. Also, don't be mad at me, but I think that new kid is having sex with your daughter.
Nope.
Question #3: If I get lost in the Chinese wilderness should I just find an old man to teach me karate?
Probably not. Your best bet is to find your way to civilization and then let your loved ones know what happened and that you are safe. If you are interested in learning karate, nearly every US city has several facilities where a trained professional will coach you for a pretty reasonable price. Even though a karate dojo located within a strip mall in the suburbs might not sound that authentic, I think you'll find that the methods of teaching are safe and effective, which is great for beginners. Learning from some stranger in the wilderness can be dangerous. Old Chinese guys have a tendency to do crazy things! He could do something weird like putting a blindfold over your eyes and then kicking you while you scramble around. What if he tells you to kick down a tree!? Then what? Trees are really hard. I could see him asking you to do that. If that happens, I don't know what to tell you. I'd say don't do it, but then again, I don't have anyone's paralysis to avenge.
Question #4: A while back I had a pretty fun time with this woman who helped me move throughout Europe all the while eluding a group of terrorists hired to kill me. It was pretty dangerous, but anyways, I heard she's getting married. Even though I'm pretty sure she hated me, I'm thinking about interrupting her wedding. What do you think?
Joke Alert!
I think it might be best to trust that she is in love with the man she is marrying. Usually a lot of time and planning goes into a wedding and if she hasn't tried to contact you by now, I think it's safe to think that she doesn't intend to and is indeed ready to go through with the marriage. Also, if you brutally murdered a lot of the terrorists during your trip, she might be purposely distancing herself from you as a way to dull the nightmares and vivid flashbacks that will likely haunt her for the rest of her life. Everything you've read about modern day women being more independent is true, but even the most independent will have problems being intimate with a man who they've witness stab, shoot, and beat other human beings to death. Your total lack of remorse might also be hurting your chances. Bashing in a terrorist's skull with an alarm clock and then saying, "Times up," to his corpse displays a type of insensitivity that would make most women skeptical of your ability to offer anything of real emotional value to a relationship. "How will he raise our children?" she might be thinking. "Will he teach them sex-ed by ravaging a prostitute right in front of them?" Her concerns are valid. I'm glad you had fun in Europe, but I'd leave the poor girl alone.
Question #5: This strange bomb went off earlier when I was watching Montel Williams and it looks like my streets are now filled with bloodthirsty zombies. Should I set out to try and find a colony of survivors?
To be honest, I wouldn't waste your time. Zombies are pretty relentless and it's only a matter of time before they ravage the entire globe. I'd use the remaining time you have left as a human to do things that you perhaps wouldn't do under ordinary circumstances. Go up to your roommate and say something like, "Hey look at me! I'm Whitney Houston" before smoking an entire lightbulb full of crack. Even with zombies banging on your window, that impersonation will likely surprise him because he probably thought you were just going to sing one of her songs. "Everyone thinks that!" you might say if you haven't had a stroke from smoking the crack. Plus, your roommate might think it's funny because where in the hell did YOU get crack Mr. I Teach Third Grade?! If you're not into that idea, maybe try seeing how many slices of bread you can urinate through because why not? And if the strength of your pee stream reminds you of those guns they used in Ghostbusters then go ahead and sing the theme song because who on earth would dare judge you during this dark hour?
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