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I swear to God, I am
Dear AC/DC,
I am currently (at least in my opinion) about to rock and was curious as to whether or not you could settle an argument between me and my best friend, Luther. He says that you guys would 'never' salute me, because drinking a bottle of Schnapps and going over to my girlfriend's house to trench her lawn is not "rocking," but just "pathetic" and "mostly gay." Well, I think Luther is gay--not me--and I'm pretty sure that what I'm doing constitutes rocking and is therefore deserving of a salute. Please advise!
Yours,
Tim M., Louisville, KY
Tim,
I'm afraid Luther makes a pretty strong point here. Schnapps? Is that like perfume or something? While we'd like nothing better than to spend our days saluting those who rock, and in particular, those who are about to rock, the guys here all agree that until you start tippling something with a little more "oomph," we just can't justify a salute. However, if you're going to trench her lawn riding on top of an angry jaguar or something, we'd be willing to give you an enthusiastic wave--but that's about the extent of it.
All the best,
Angus, Malcolm, Brian, Phil, and Cliff (AC/DC)
P.S. As for the other question, all we can say is this: Your letter was written in flawless calligraphy on personalized, scented stationary. Does that help?
Dear AC/DC,
I'm sitting here thinking about rocking, but I'm not sure where to start. Kill a small animal? Homemade wire-hanger tattoo? I'm hoping that maybe I can come up with something in a flash of inspiration if you all would just throw a little salute my way. You know, that last little thrust toward rocking inspiration. What do you say?
Hopefully,
Hank S., San Diego, CA
Hank,
What kind of shit are you trying to pull? Are you so dense (or is it desperate) that you find "about to rock" as tantamount to "thinking about rocking?" Don't get us wrong, it's necessary to think about rocking before one is about to rock, but you're trying to bound over a crucial step to procure our salute. We're not idiots--not always. What do you think would happen if you were to skip over one of Newton's steps for multiple nonlinear equations In one variable? Alright, we don't know either, but imagine something really bad, then punch yourself in the testicles. We're not about to fuck with the cosmos, good sir. You get a harsh "thumbs-down," but we've included in your SASE this Boyz-II-Men bumper sticker for you to palm-off to.
Nice Try, Doucheface
--AC/DC
P.S. A homemade tattoo right on the jugular vein might be a good jumping off point, though.
AC/DC,
I fucking hate junk mail
I've been to, like, a million of your shows and every time you play "For Those About To Rock (We Salute You)", I totally get the sense that you guys are ignoring me. What's the deal? I bought the ticket. I'm at the show. I'm about to rock...then nothing. Like the last time, me and my friends were totally partying and about to rock and then we rocked and you all started saluting this group of chicks who were standing behind us with their stupid boobs hanging out and those jack-ass signs that said: "Fuck Me Angus!" and "I Want You In My Can, Brian!" and we were sooo rocking harder. What gives, you assholes?
Frustratedly,
Nick L., Cleveland, OH
Nick,
Are you that clueless? Perhaps you'd enjoy a date with Tim from Louisville. Your frustration betrays your total misunderstanding of rocking. You know, even though we're AC/DC, it's not as easy to "get up in the guts" as it used to be; we're all bald and over 50, we're stuffed so full of debilitating crap from a lifetime of drugs and booze that it takes 5 Viagras just to check our e-mail and...oh, just forget it.
Go away,
AC/DC
P.S. Those boobs were far from "stupid," kid. And not to pick nits, but it's "my friends and I" (See Strunk & White, The Elements of Style, Vol. 4).
Dear AC/DC,
We'd like to say that without a doubt we are about to fucking ROCK!. I mean, seriously, we are about to go totally fucking bananas. We've piled on our clown makeup, alerted the Juggalos, put on our wrestling tights and both of us are already knee-deep into a batch of Violent J's signature Hypnotic mojitos. I know we probably don't even have to ask, but just for good measure, can these two about-to-rock badass muthafuckas get a little salute from you dudes? Yeah, bitches...we thought so.
P.S. We could do a collaboration thing if you're interested--you know, like Lita Ford and Ozzy.
Inane Clown Pussies,
Are you jizz-stains for real? Tights? Juggalos (sounds like what happens when tits succumb to gravity)...Clowns? Do you mean "mimes," because mimes would be cooler--at least you couldn't talk and might find yourselves trapped inside an imaginary box until somebody set you on fire. Let 's be clear: You are neither about to rock, nor have you ever rocked, nor in a million years will you two hideous genital warts be deserving of a salute from the likes of us. How about this, though: Instead of a salute, how about we give you the finger and make this collaboration happen--and by "collaboration," we're referring to sodomizing you both with the business end of Angus's Gibson SG.
Always,
AC/DC
Mojitos kickin' in, yo!
P.S. For the record, a "posse" is defined as a "large group with a common interest," and while we're convinced you share a common interest (sucking), it's hard to take you seriously as a "posse," in that you are just two clown-faced abortions who go around squawking in black tights.
first concert I ever saw was AC/DC, and it was still one of the very best. The went the extra mile, from angus rising up out of the crowd to play the solo during money talks (and the money with his picture dropped from the rafters), to the cannons used in for those about to rock, to the giant bell lowered down that brian would strike with a sledge hammer for the bell sound at the beginning of hells bells, to the 50 foot tall half naked satan woman blowup used as a backdrop, this show had it all.
Posts: 1541 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 7/9/2007 10:24:04 AM
An AC/DC show was the first time I got arrested. I was, needless to say, hammered out of my mind and took a piss somewhere I shouldn't have. That won me an all-expenses paid trip to Oakland City Jail. I was definitely about to rock, but was detained before the rocking could officially happen.
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 7/9/2007 11:29:23 AM
if youtube was an audio program instead of video...THEN it would be the worst. i give this article a 4, because it had a lot of effort, but it could have used more funniness. these guys are from austrailia, so i'm sure they talk a lot more fucked up than this. they're all criminal offspring down there, ya know?
Posts: 257 Rank: 27 Joined:
5/31/2007
Location:
Gilbert, AZ
Posted: 7/9/2007 11:34:33 AM
I think getting ready to rock and the act of rocking precludes the ability to write and/or respond in writing.
As a PSA I think the AC/DC boys should have included a line that informs people how to finish their rocking. Something along the lines of, "Don't pass out laying on your back after drinking a vomit inducing amount of alcohol".
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