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One... Two... Three... Three Bats! Ha ha ha ha ha.
What in the fuck is going on? Every single time the T.V. comes on, another star from the past is making a comeback. It’s not even surprising anymore. First it was throwback jerseys, now it’s throwback celebrities and movies. It’s irritating. Some of these people have never even truly went away. Mother-fucking Madonna is like Jason Voorhies from the Friday the 13th movies. I can almost guarantee if you smacked her with a sledge hammer, shoved her out a window, and fed her to a shark, she would have a brand new single out the next morning. Cut her up. Bury the pieces in 14 separate states. She'd be on "Saturday Night Live" the following week.
“…but Madonna is the queen of reinventing herself.”
Shut the fuck up. Just shut up. Whatever happened to this fifteen minutes of fame shit? It’s bitches like this that ruin it for the rest of us. Where the fuck are my fifteen minutes? Oh, shit… Madonna took them. Fuck Madonna. She took all our minutes! Quit buying her albums. Don’t go to her concerts. Don’t go to her… never mind, no one goes to her movies in the first place. Damn you, Madonna. I guess I should come clean and admit the shameful fact that I found myself tapping my foot to her new single, “Sorry,” the other day. Don’t worry, I cut it off. Stupid foot. I may limp now, but it’s a proud limp.
And what about Jon Bon Jovi? Jesus H., the man used to throw it down in the eighties. People are still singing along to Slippery When Wet. It’s a little bit of a different story these days. Bon Jovi has been distributing the exact same song with different words for the past eight years. My fragile mental tolerance was almost shattered when Aerosmith pulled this shit in the nineties. I can’t take this, Jon Bon. He had a video on the other day where he was sticking smiley-face stickers on various things around a town. Sweet idea, Jon. Imagine a regular guy walking around your hometown putting smiley-face stickers on everything. You would want to punch him in the face, wouldn’t you? If not, you would at least have the temptation to throw garbage at him while buzzing past in your car. Stop, Jon. Just fucking stop. Go join a cover band of yourself.
It was once slippery when wet, but it's all dried up now.
And if it isn't Madonna, or Bon Jovi, then it's Tony Danza, or Michael Jackson, or David Lee Roth. Fame is just a clogged toilet, and like swirling turds, they're not going anywhere.
To make it worse, it's not only celebrities that won’t go away, it’s the always vomit-inducing, “make the old television show into a blockbuster movie” idea. I don’t want to hit this topic too much because it’s already so overdone. Simply, IT DOESN’T WORK. "Dukes of Hazzard", "Bewitched", "Starsky and Hutch", "The Honeymooners", "Miami Vice", "Dallas"… the list goes on. What’s that? "Miami Vice" and "Dallas" haven’t come out yet. Okay, come back and read this after they do. IT DOESN’T WORK.
There are far better things that could come back from the eighties than these pieces of dripping wet diarrhea. Where is “Count Von Count” from "Sesame Street"? Where is he hanging out? He was fucking hilarious. He was a purple vampire that counted bats, day in and day out, and laughed about it every single time. He also lived in a castle. That is an interesting dude. None of the other characters on "Sesame Street" even hung out with him because he was so dangerous and mysterious. I realize the fact that he is probably still on Sesame Street and never "technically" went away, but the man needs some mainstream love. If Madonna gets to be in the limelight for twenty years straight, the Count should get thrown a bone at some point. He is the only person I've ever seen, excluding rappers, who can "pop" his collar and not look like a flaming douche bag. The fucker has been doing it forever, too. Someone needs to get his ass in the public eye. He doesn’t need a feature-length movie or anything. Just toss him in a commercial somewhere. Hell, throw him on a basketball court and have him play Count Chocula in a game of one on one during the Super-Bowl with a can of Diet Pepsi on the line. Imagine Count Von Count draining a bucket from downtown, counting the points in Count Chocula's face, as his purple hand dangled high above his head.
HYYAAAH! My movies suck ass.
"One... Two... Three... Three points, ha ha ha ha ha."
Pure gold. It sure as fuck beats Jay Mohr acting like a can of Diet Pepsi’s agent. Holy God, if you haven’t seen it yet, stop watching television. It made my dog run across the living room full speed and break his neck against the wall. Tears were shed. It is fucking horrible. Jay works deals for “Diet Pepsi Can” to record a song with Diddy and act in an action movie with Jackie Chan. Did I miss something? Is that hilarious? Why would that make you want to drink Diet Pepsi? It would amaze no one if Jackie Chan actually signed up to do a real movie using a can of pop as his partner in real life. As long as the motherfucker can do his own stunts, he doesn't have any standards. Does The Tuxedo ring a bell? Damn it, Diet Pepsi, stop using a Magic Eight-Ball to come up with ideas for advertising. The bottom line... get a deal with the Sesame Street people done, and get Count Von Count on the primetime airwaves ASAP.
I guess if I mentioned every character that should return to fame before Bon Jovi and Madonna, I could write a series of books. VH1 will sure as fuck do a special on it. Just think for a moment about all the better things we could be watching. Where is Captain Caveman or Johnny 5 from Short Circuit? Johnny 5 told jokes, shot lasers, blew shit up, and did Ally Sheedy. Imagine what kind of music video he could put out. I doubt that he would put up smiley-face stickers around town. They could tape Johnny shooting lasers at things around town and blowing shit up, all the while doing Ally Sheedy from behind and dishing out classic movie quotes. Four minutes of that would be better than four minutes of Bon Jovi parading around acting like a middle school girl. Lasers, explosions, sex, and one-liners. That’s what entertainment is. That’s what it’s all about.
The visual image of the Count dropping a shot and counting in his opponents face is truly a beautiful thing! I am definitely going to pull that next time I play basketball.
And yes, I already know that I am going to look like a total douche doing it!
deuce
question
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Posted: 3/17/2006 7:14:15 AM
umm.. which "rappers" pop their collars without achieving flaming douche bag status? (here's a hint: it doesn't rhyme with juanye juest)
a welcomed return to your well written, solid delivery juan. nice work. a proud limp indeed.
Victor French
Right on
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Posted: 3/17/2006 7:16:06 AM
Everyone thought my career was over after "Little House". Good thing I was homies with Johnathan Smith. Hooked me up on the comeback tip with co-star gig on "Highway to Heaven". honed my acting skills, and even came up with a new trademark. You know- my shitty fuckin' Oakland A's cap.
JohnnyC
This line killed me:
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Posted: 3/17/2006 9:14:34 AM
"It made my dog run across the living room full speed and break his neck against the wall."
Classic. I laughed out loud.
E
Beautiful
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Posted: 3/17/2006 9:29:18 AM
This was refreshing. I thought it was slipping a bit about a third of the way into it but it picked itself back up.Great visual images. Well done.
DaveB
This
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Posted: 3/17/2006 9:35:10 AM
Was not a good one to read in 3rd period English class. The Count vs Chocula lines and dog running into the wall image made me laugh out loud two seperate times.
Christine
Your mother was a snow blower
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Posted: 3/17/2006 9:40:17 AM
I miss Johnny 5 too. Up until last year I still believed that he was alive.
Juan, this was like really really really good. I agree that the dog breaking his neck was awesome, as well as you cutting off your stupid foot. Oscar was always my favorite character, they should use him in commercials.
At first I was shocked at your Madonna bashing, but then I realized that you're Juan. If Juan doesn't like the Quenn of Pop, than neither will I. Fuck her! But Desperately seeking Susan was a good movie damn it!!!
GRB
The Count for three!!!
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Posted: 3/17/2006 10:23:18 AM
Imagine Count Von Count draining a bucket from downtown, counting the points in Count Chocula's face, as his purple hand dangled high above his head.
"One... Two... Three... Three points, ha ha ha ha ha."
Fricking awesome!
GDJ
Johnny 5 is alive
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Posted: 3/17/2006 11:45:23 AM
Dragged a little until you chopped off your foot. Great visuals. You need to call diet pepsi and tell them your idea for a commercail. You are sitting on a goldmine.
Madonna had that stupid mole on her face during it. Does she think that losing the "beauty mark" makes her a different person and allows her more time in the limelight? The last time I wanted to see Madonna was when she kissed Britney and Christina. She should have retired after that.
Christine.... that movie sucked.
Joe Kickass
awesome
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Posted: 3/17/2006 12:25:50 PM
Captain Caveman ruled. I'd like to see him clobber Madonna upside the head.
The Count was good too. I was worried it would be too close to Chapelle's take, but it wasn't.
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