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Bam.
Mother-fucking bullshit. This is completely, 100% complete fucking bullshit. They should change the name of All-Madden level to Fuck-you-in-the-ass-with-a-dead-squirrel until-your-breath-tastes-like-acorns level. This is so unrealistic. How in the fuck are they going to call holding on the game-winning touchdown? I bet if I spike my controller on the ground super hard, it will solve all of my problems.
Rgghhhh!
Fuck. That’s better. It was like the outcome of the game changed when I bounced the controller off of the coffee table. The sound of expensive things cracking soothes my soul. Take that, you fucking object that I am ultimately going to replace within the week because it’s wrecked and can’t handle taking a nosedive into the ground every time I miss a field goal.
I am sure I will probably bitch about this damn controller the next time I play, because it’s busted like a ghost trapped between Bill Murray and Pac-Man. I press the buttons and the guy on the screen reacts three seconds later. Fuck. Now I’m getting pissed again. Why did this game have to be so fucking retarded and make me break my shit-ass controller? Madden, you are starting to get me really pissed.
Maybe I should punch the floor and kick the coffee table over. Yeah, that will definitely get this situation back under control. I’m glad I have good ideas like this all the time. Hmmm. Hold up. I better put my shoes on.
Rgggghhh… Yahhhhhh… (crash)
Oh. Look at that. I must say that I was not expecting the glass to shatter out of the table and spread across the carpet like a storm of shrapnel. What a major piece of shit. I am definitely not picking this mess up. Glass is fucking everywhere. I’ll just have to jump in the car real quick and ride over to the Lowe’s parking lot. That is where all of the illegal immigrants hang out. Only in America can you purchase all of the materials to build a house at one store, walk into the parking lot, and hire a crew to build it for you at 25 cents an hour. Capitalism is numeral uno. I bet I can swing over to the Lowe’s parking lot and get one of those dudes to clean all this fucking glass up for some cold-cuts and a five-dollar bill.
Awesome. My mood is improving. Immigrant slave labor will help to solve things. I learned about the booming labor market at the Lowe’s parking lot from my dad. Whenever his softball team makes the district tournament, they usually hire a few of the guys from the Lowe’s parking lot to play infield for them. Nothing gets past them, they smash the shit out of the ball, and they build a deck on your house between games. The guys at the Lowe’s parking lot represent more stereotypes than any Muslim guy on an episode of "24". They should just grab some tequila, a sombrero, and a taco; then they can have a racial stereotype BINGO.
Screw it though. We’ll both benefit from this transaction. The mess isn’t my complete fault anyway. Madden ’06 was ultimately responsible. Fuck a game that gives you a bullshit penalty when your franchise life is on the line. A holding call? You can call holding on any play. Madden even says it during the game about twelve-thousand times. He says it so much that I always hear other guys almost quote him exactly when they try to sound “football smart.” Whenever someone drops Madden lines as their own, people should just shout back, “Where’d that truck come from?” Just like Madden did on every other play in Madden ’93.
I feel my anger beginning to wash over me again. It is inescapable. I am growling at you now, cover of Madden. There is no compassion in my eyes. I am actually waving my fist at you. I didn’t think that people really did that in real life. Crazy.
Elberto cranked out 57 homeruns last year and built 6 toolsheds.
Only a game as cold as you would have a cover curse. Any player that graces your cover usually breaks fourteen bones or plays their season like Ricky Williams stoned off his ass in his first CFL contest. You are one fucking bastard of a game.
I am so not playing you anymore. I am fucking done. I am getting so fucking mad again. I'd better grab my baseball bat out of the garage and beat the microwave. This will probably get rid of my anger and help me cool down. Yes sir, I am going with that decision. Green light.
(SMASH!!!)
Damn. That was loud. I guess I won’t be using my microwave anytime soon. You know, the more I think about it, that probably wasn’t the best move in this situation. Honestly, that shouldn’t have even crossed my mind as an option for dealing with anger. I pretty much responded at a caveman level of rational thought. That makes me angrier. I am definitely growling at you meaner now, cover of Madden.
Again, this whole situation winds back to this God-forsaken game. Fuck this. It’s over. This game turns me into a complete asshole. My girlfriend moved out. I forget to feed and walk my dog. Showering has declined. I’ve had it with Madden. I’m quitting.
(crack)
Holy shit. I just snapped the game disk in half. I guess I beat my addiction. Ha. I won. Ha ha ha. Freedom has overtaken me and I feel like I have truly overcome a great obstacle. I beat you, Madden, fuck off. It’s Super Bowl Shuffle time, bitch. I can get on with my life now and you can retire from video games and start stalking Brett Favre like everyone knows you want to.
I never saw that cover. It explains a lot, Kellen.
John Madden:“Yeah, I was talking to Ahman Green at practice yesterday. He told me that Brett Favre actually poops diamonds, threw a football around the world once, and is made from liquid metal that is almost indestructible.”
We all know that Favre is an NFL great, but his pocket mobility is greatly limited with Madden’s head on his cock-n-balls every Sunday. How can he get away from defenders when Madden uses his junk like a trailer hitch and gets dragged around like a dead walrus? That’s why he’s been getting his ass knocked around recently. Whatever. Madden can do whatever he wants. I’m free from his game and I have my own life to live.
Freedom! It’s like a whole new world. I’m going to grab a couple bucks, go up to Lowe’s, buy a microwave, a broom, a dustpan, and an illegal immigrant. Then I’ll probably stop by Best Buy and reserve my copy of Madden ’07. It better not cheat this year.
You hit the nail right on the head. I have scars on my hands from when Madden has vexed me. Also my younger brother still flinches around me after many years of being physically abused by me whilst playing Madden. We need some sort of support group.
Atlas
Holy Shit
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Posted: 6/6/2006 10:34:24 AM
My roommate in college used to whip full beers at people if things didn't go his way, an endzone holding call would certainly warrent a head shot. As usual unbelieveable job.
Dick
I hate Madden
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Posted: 6/6/2006 11:05:56 AM
Holy shit, that game's amazing. People play it for hours because it's so realistic. I mean, that game's fucking retarded. People occupy televisions for hours because it's boring, slow-moving, full of little breaks that are longer than the actual gameplay, and force anyone within earshot to have to listen to a fat, rich retard repeat the same dumbass obvious shit over and over. "That's a good catch right there-when you grab the ball outta the air, it really gives you an advantage in getting a touchdown on the next play. Boom!"
Christine
Oh my God
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Posted: 6/6/2006 11:18:16 AM
I get fucking insane when my Madden messes up. I kick and scream. I mean I spend all this money on the damn thing and it never goes my way. Damn it!!! Now I am mad just thinking about all those holding calls and lost super balls.
Ok, so the above sentences were totally made up, but I really wanted to be a part of this fantastic article. Hi Juan!
Tom A
"lost super balls"
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Posted: 6/6/2006 11:29:48 AM
Fabulous.
Good article, Juan.
GRB
one small problem
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Posted: 6/6/2006 11:31:07 AM
If you're gonna bag on Madden, then you have to get it right...it's not "bam" it's "BOOM!" (tough actin' Tinactin...I digress). Awesome article and I still gave it 5 MFDS. You always return to your dark master.
Jesse L.
Perfect
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Posted: 6/6/2006 12:06:37 PM
Reminds me of my boy P-Phunk. I remember him losing a game to one of our roommates... he was the 1980 Oilers, had the ball inside the opponents' 10, down 30-27, and instead of just giving the rock to #34, put the game in the hands of Dan Pastorini... big mistake... Pastorini threw a tipped interception in the end zone. P-Phunk chucked the controller out the back door into the snow... we didn't find it until the spring thaw.
Anyway, nice job, Juan. And all ya gotta do is do to Gameplay Settings and turn off the announcers.
Beetle
NICE!!
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Posted: 6/6/2006 12:20:34 PM
I admittedly had low hopes for this article, after all hasn't Madden been beaten to death as a subject? Boy was I fucking wrong. Juan.....Home fucking run.
Beetle
Madden Rage
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Posted: 6/6/2006 12:26:46 PM
I was just reminded of a sad story. Friends and I used to play Madden 1996 and 1997 all of the time. We had one friend who simply could not handle it. Smashed controllers, flipping out on teammates if it was a 2 on 2, pure rage. Soon after, he quit drinking (which he blamed his rage on) and hanging with the rest of us and no one saw much of him again.....until this past winter at his funeral. He committed suicide. Madden claimed another victim.
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