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It doesn’t hurt at first. There is a slight tingle that precedes the wrath that awaits. I stand there. My palms surround my face and my fingers shield your eyes. Voices surround me. Laughter. Yes, laughter fills the air and the realization strikes me. All of the laughter is directed at me. Or is it with me? A cold November wind drapes my back and I think to myself, “Damn it, this is a bad month to be standing outside with no shirt on.”
“Does it hurt yet?” a hopeful voice ignites from the darkness. A slight tingle. A slight tingle is the only feeling, then… BAM!” A nuclear holocaust makes love with an F5 tornado and spawns a bastard that feeds on retinal anguish. This shit sears my face like a Great White Reunion Tour club fire. I try to remain calm. Admitting weakness or pain would only add to the thunderous cloud of laughter that surrounds me.
The bucket! I remember it now. The bucket is filled with water; water that could flush my eyeballs and neutralize the viscous pinch of this hell-bred inferno. My hands sweep the chilly November air. Where is the fucking bucket? Steps are short and awkward. Falling down reminds me that the only outcome that could make matters worse would be enduring this fucking episode on my back. My fingertips slam into the plastic rim of a flimsy bucket. This is my holy grail. I begin gushing splashes of water into my eyes. Moments of relief are answered by spasms of nerve tearing agony.
I begin to question my actions. Did I really make the correct choices tonight? This night got really messed up at some point. What decision led me down this unfortunate path? Ah yes, it was becoming much clearer now. I remember my friend explaining the requirements of becoming a police officer. Assessing these requirements, I found certain areas in which I questioned the difficulty level. One such area was dealing with pepper spray.
At this point, I didn’t understand that pepper spray was the earthly incarnation of Satan. I had no idea that once the shit touched your eyes, it would feel like a spider was eating your face from the inside out. It’s just that I had assumed that something so potent would have a tougher name than “pepper spray,” being it was so vile. It sounded like it was off some Emeril Lagasse cooking show. If I had the chance to name pepper spray, I would call it “Super Ocular Pain Sauce,” or “Retinal Puncture Wound Simulation Serum.” This shit hurt. It hurt really bad.
I blindly make my way into my friend’s kitchen. I believe I’ve failed to mention that pepper spray manages to inflict irrational hellish torture on your eyes if the slightest amount of light or oxygen touches them. Tightly closing my eyes is the only way to duck out from the endless pursuit of pain that stalks my every move.
Finally I find it. It is everything that I believe a bucket of water could be. It is my Everest. The kitchen faucet provides an endless stream of the only neutralization source I have. I quickly shove my face into the sink. After a deep breath, I slowly open my eyes as wide as I can. The cold water soothes my irritated eyelids and erases the flames from my aching eyeballs. I remaine in this position for nearly 10 minutes. As the final remnants of blazing hell are removed, the world slowly begins to fade back into focus.
Things are becoming easier and easier to look at now. Suddenly, I realize that there is something far worse that could happen to my eyes than watching a Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movie. I’m not saying that it would be an easy decision between the two. Each one has their own individual downfalls. I guess I’ll just have to call it when I see it.
I guess that it wasn't as easy as it sounded, like when I heard about taking a bottle of pepper spray to the face. I probably would have made a better decision if I was asked to take a spray of "Retinal Puncture Wound Simulator Serum" to my face.
I was at party once where one of my friends pepper sprayed another one of my friends for no reason. Just snuck up behind him, yelled his name, and sprayed him right in the damn face. It was the first time I ever saw someone cry at a party that did not involve an ex-girlfriend or alcohol. It was funny from my perspective, but you could just tell he was in alot of real pain.
Jumbo
Different
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Posted: 10/26/2005 8:01:04 AM
I like rice
Ray
this article is
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Posted: 10/26/2005 8:15:28 AM
...complete shit. Sounds like a 14 year old wrote it. Congrats.
Ray's Daddy
Get Off the Computer
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Posted: 10/26/2005 8:38:17 AM
Only 14 year olds post the same message 3 times... Congrats
NLH
Thanks Ray
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Posted: 10/26/2005 8:57:36 AM
It's just great when people talk about things being "well written" on a comedy site. Who gives a fuck if it's well written, it's supposed to give you a few laughs which this article did for me. Fuck Ray with a big rubber dick.
"Super Ocular Pain Sauce"
That's great.
J-Dub
Nice work
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Posted: 10/26/2005 9:29:54 AM
Good stuff. It helped start my day with a few laughs. I look forward to more from you.
Ray is a cock sucker.
Cameron
negative experience
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Posted: 10/26/2005 9:50:14 AM
Juan's stuff is usually funny, but this doesn't qualify.
kayvon
almost identical experience
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Posted: 10/26/2005 10:14:46 AM
My friend and I got a hold of some girl's pepper spray at a party and went to town. Think: the acid burn scene in Fight Club - only on your face. I kept trying to think of Tibetan monks lighting themselves on fire without struggle but I just couldn't get over the searing pain. Still, I didn't bitch and whine about it too much and I'd recommend it to anyone at least/at most once.
Cheers Juan. One of my new favorite writers here.
Atlas
There was a riot
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Posted: 10/26/2005 10:34:59 AM
At the college I went to and I thought I would check it out, good old Halloween Bash, flipping cars and kids acting like assholes. Well I saw my friend lose a sandal and I went back to get it and didnt notice the cop right behind me. He had what is called a fogger, think industrial size can of pepper spray that shoots really far. As I bent down he came up , put the fogger about a foot away from my face and started spraying. I thought I would never see again. I was blindly walking around for a while until some chick I didnt know had pity on me and threw me in her shower. I got sprayed so bad that if I closed my hands 3 days later they felt like ovens. THAT SHIT IS BREWED BY THE DEVIL!
TR
Riots
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Posted: 10/26/2005 10:50:50 AM
I was living on ohio state's campus when they were having all the trouble with rioting a few years ago. We used to get a keg, lock the windows and doors and sit and watch from the safety of our living room. After about 2 riots, the cops had enough and just pepper sprayed the fuck out of anyone they could. Some asshole frat boy saw us watching from our front window just before he threw something at a cop and got drenched with pepper spray. He tried running into our house for safety, only to find the door locked and we wouldnt let him in. You could see that the kid was in some serious pain. But if we would have let him in, it would have loaded our house with that shit. Its like letting in your dog after it gets sprayed by a skunk, the smell takes over your whole house.
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