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Fuck intros.
5. The Pac-man Ghosts
The Pac-man Ghosts were probably the first ghosts I was ever exposed to as a young child. They were far from an appropriate example to introduce what ghosts were supposed to be all about. Nothing initiates terror like a gang of brightly colored ghosts with huge eyes. Were the McDonalds' Fry Guys supposed to be scary too? Their reign of spine-tingling horror is only intensified by their nicknames (Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde). Pinky? C’mon, were the makers of Pac-man even fucking trying to be scary at all? If not, why in the hell did they choose to use ghosts? Why not tanks, or steam rollers, or homeless people? Ghosts are supposed to be supernatural and powerful. The Pac-man ghosts needed to outnumber their opponent 4 to 1 to be effective. They had to gang up to defeat a little yellow guy with no arms? Could you imagine playing Pac-man against 1 ghost? Inky, Blinky, Pinky, and Clyde must have been some serious pussies when they were alive.
4. Casper, The Friendly Ghost
The premise: A lonely child ghost, who has a boy’s name (I think), talks like a girl, and tries to make friends with people. It's like the show was originally supposed to be called Casper, The Friendly Bitch-Ass Punk, but someone accidentally typed "ghost" instead. The kids I remember from school that talked like girls and begged people to be their friend usually got the shit knocked out of them daily. Now we all know what was missing from this cartoon and the terrible fucking movies that followed it. Ghosts don’t make friends. They rattle chains, kill people, and hang out in the shower with hot chicks. Get with the program, Casper, and stop being such a fucking pussy.
3. The creepy old-guy ghost from Poltergeist
Granted, this guy did some cool shit to scare and haunt people. He was actually a pretty freaky ghost. He is on this list for a different reason. His problem was that his old freaky ass needed to move on and go after a female a little closer to his own age. Now, I know that he was a poltergeist, and they are very into little girls and all, but one can only watch an old wrinkly bastard chase around a 7 year old for so long. The Poltergeist ghost was a dead ringer for any old guy in a neighborhood who never had children, but owned a veritable wonderland of monkey bars and swings in his backyard. He’d be the guy inviting every passing child in for lemonade on a hot summer day. Just because someone is dead, it doesn’t eliminate their sexual predator status. John Mark Karr’s ghost is totally going to be a poltergeist. The old guy ghost from Poltergeist is creepy, but in a totally wrong way.
2. Bill Cosby in Ghost Dad
I once watched Ghost Dad when I was young and retarded. I also once dropped a 45 pound plate from my chest onto my toe. I rate the experiences nearly equal, with a slight edge going to the crushed toe for two reasons; I didn’t pay for it, and it didn’t take nearly 2 hours of my time. There is no reason to even talk in depth about how terrible of a ghost Bill Cosby was as Ghost Dad. Just watch an episode of the Cosby Show and pretend that no one can see him. Ghost Dad's biggest problem was his fucked up priorities. A guy that’s Bill Cosby’s age lived though some of the civil rights movement. The real Ghost Dad would be on his way to random retirement homes, looking for old white people.
1. Patrick Swayze in Ghost
Patrick Swayze is living proof that ghost hauntings are not real. If ghosts really had the ability to haunt people, Patrick Swayze would have ghosts lining up outside his house, taking numbers, just waiting for the chance to make him piss his pants and toss him down a flight of stairs or two. Ghosts would be camping out on his fucking front lawn. Real ghosts would never stand for a film like Ghost being made, nor would they embrace the misleading title. If I made a movie called Ghost, it would involve chains, darkness, a gratuitous use of blood, mind-warping violence, a shit-load of hot sorority girls, and Patrick Swayze getting shot and killed. The real Ghost only had 1 of the 6. Weak.
Where in the fuck did they come up with a script like this for a film called Ghost? Ghosts aren’t supposed to be crybaby pussies. Swayze pisses and moans all fucking movie and brings you to question if it's possible to kill ghosts. The film could have been way better if Demi Moore ended up banging Peter Venkman and shot Swayze in the face with a proton pack. Instead, Swayze runs around falling and walking through every solid object he can find, except floors. I guess if walls go up and down, they are easily penetrated by ghosts, but if you put them sideways and call them "floors," ghosts can stand on them and find them utterly impenetrable. Awesome physics-defying ghost moves, Swayze! He was far more believable as a pedophile motivational speaker in Donnie Darko.
The thing that tops Ghost off is that Swayze possesses Whoopi Goldberg. This would be cool if he made her walk into oncoming traffic or hop out of a window, but he didn’t. Swayze just cries, plays with clay, and listens to Unchained Melody. Ghosts don’t get much more piss poor than that.
omg that was fuckin hilarious! i especialy love the piece about casper the bitch ass punk! ha! its sooo true, good job i love all your articles
deuce
outstanding
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Posted: 10/30/2006 8:29:06 AM
with a nod to peter venkman & proton packs.. #6 the stay puft (or puff??) marshmallow man?? totally a pussy ghost.. "look at me! i'm a big, angry, marshmallow. wait, is that fire? oh fuck. i'm dead."
Kotter
What...
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Posted: 10/30/2006 8:50:50 AM
No "Angels in the Outfield?"
While not technically "ghosts," they were of the spirit realm and about as gay as they come.
Christine
I knew before reading
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Posted: 10/30/2006 9:32:10 AM
That Patrick Swaze would be number one. That's how you know that the man you picked as your soulmate is truly the right one. I mean, this is sooo us Juan!!! Classic Christine & Juan moment. We're so in sync! rfloma : ) LOL! Hahaha. :p )- "[o
Eugene
This was good
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Posted: 10/30/2006 9:49:04 AM
Some very funny lines and some cleche lines. Solid all around.
Grade: A-
Max
how appropriate
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Posted: 10/30/2006 11:50:48 AM
that Eugene, in one of his badly clichéd "grading" posts, mispells chiché.
Great work, Juan.
Max
fuck
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Posted: 10/30/2006 11:51:22 AM
I know.
Eugene
Max
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Posted: 10/30/2006 12:02:20 PM
Yes, I misspelled cliche...good call and thanks for bringing that egregious spelling error (read: typo) to my attention. I would like to point out that you spelled cliche with that queer French symbol above the e. That means that you type your shit out in word and cut and paste to avoid the wrath of the grammar nazis. That's pretty fucking weak Maxie.
albanian guy
Eugine and Max
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Posted: 10/30/2006 12:30:45 PM
would combine to be the top pair on my "totally gay pairs of readers who post shitty stupid crap and should shut the fuck up" list.
Joe Kickass
Max
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Posted: 10/30/2006 1:31:12 PM
Eugene is worthless and not worth it. Don't you have better things to do with your time.
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4. Casper, The Friendly Ghost
3. The creepy old-guy ghost from Poltergeist 
2. Bill Cosby in Ghost Dad
1. Patrick Swayze in Ghost
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