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Tetris had better characters.
You probably have no idea who I am. Only a handful of people have played my games since their debut in the mid-to-late eighties. My name is Alex Kidd. I was Sega’s early answer to Mario. That’s real fucking fair. First of all, Sega has played the heart-warming role of Nintendo’s retarded, little brother for years. Sure, Sega had the Genesis system which did very well, but even Buster Douglas was able to drop Mike Tyson in his prime. Freak shit happens. Ironically, Sega hired Buster Douglas to endorse its boxing game against Nintendo’s Mike Tyson's Punch Out. I hate fucking Nintendo. It was an impossible job to measure up to Mario. The fucking guy wasn’t too complicated. He was a mesh of every single Italian stereotype available, excluding organized crime affiliation. Still, everyone loved that greasy, shroom-chewing bastard.
Me? Nobody knows who the hell I am. I am an elf-looking mother-fucker with two big ears and a gigantic fist. I can punch shit hard, but my reach is like two inches. The word “limited” comes to mind. I hate myself. My games are completely retarded and cause self-mutilation whenever over-exposure occurs. Mario has had smash title after smash title. The spaghetti-slurping-nut-licker has even expanded past his regular adventure game motif. I've seen Mario golf, baseball, and soccer. The prick even has puzzle and racing games. My general titles are embarrassing. Alex Kidd in Miracle World. Alex Kidd: The Lost Stars. Alex Kidd in High Tech and Shinobi World. Alex Kidd in Gay Fucking Video Game World. I made one of them up.
My suckiness doesn’t stop at titles. The games were horribly designed as well. Mario had size-altering, life-increasing mushrooms, princesses, and infamous warp zones. Here are a couple of highlights from my steaming shit bombs (These are all real. Get an emulator, play them, and make a Clorox milkshake):
Alex Kidd: The Lost Stars: One of the bad-guy henchmen is a fat, little, naked guy with an orange mohawk. He stands in place and wiggles his bare ass, all the while shooting giant, white blobs at you from his pooper. Oh yeah, he also wears sunglasses. If I tried to make something like that up, it couldn’t be crazier and less believable.
Another bad guy that is encoutered early in the game is a dog. It is stationary. It stays in one place and does not chase you. Instead of biting or barking, letters pour out of its mouth and spell out "BOW WOW." The words hop along the ground. Alex must avoid them. Fuck you, Sega. Give every mother-fucking poor soul who bought this game a complete refund. You fuckers.
Alex Kidd in High Tech World: There is a point in the game where you cannot pass through a gate. You try everything forever and cannot find a solution. After hours of frustration, you secretly call the Sega help-line and pray that somehow your parents won’t catch it on the phone bill. You make the phone call and await a solution. Oh, yes, it does make sense to move Alex in and out of the village temple and pray 100 times in a row. Literally. 100 times. Then your parents notice the toll call on the phone bill and ground you from your Sega Master System. You are secretly grateful (Sidenote: If I ever meet the inbred, piss puddle-of-a-human-being that thought the “100 prayers at the temple” idea up, I will strangle him with a phone cord and punch him in the face 100 times).
Alex Kidd in Miracle World: The early level bosses have giant hands for heads. Instead of fighting them, you play rock-paper-scissors against them in order to advance through the game. Sega must get the best chronic. What else would a character do if they had a giant hand for a head? With the exceptions of jacking-off, sign-language, and the occasional game of rock-paper-scissors, I would think the advantages would be minimal.
I guess it’s not surprising that I got canned and replaced with a hedgehog. I suck so fucking bad. A programmer/writer could bash his head against a keyboard and come up with a better premise than any of the games I ever had. Sega has bad ideas. They blessed us with jewels like the Master System, Sega CD, and Dreamcast. If you ever had Sega CD… wait, every single person who ever owned a Sega CD committed suicide. Never mind. My elf ass couldn’t even afford it during the month-and-a-half it was on the market. I really might be one of the worst video game characters ever. I wonder what would have happened if I signed with a different system instead of those gaywads at Sega. Nintendo never even gave me a chance.
I took a shit and this came out.
“Alex Kidd? I’m sorry, son, that’s way too gay for us,” replied the Nintendo people.
Mario’s shadow is heavy and has loomed over me for decades. I still see him from time to time. He usually gives me a wedgie or kicks me in the nuts. I hate that fucker. One time, he offered me the role of a Koopa Troopa in Super Mario 3 in exchange for a blow-job.
I thought, “Hey, I’m Alex Kidd- what in the fuck am I gonna do, ruin my name and reputation?”
Once your public respect level is the equivalent of a cancerous donkey testicle, it really doesn’t matter if you lose a few popularity points. Besides, I needed the cash, and Koopa Troopas have their own merchandise. I gave the idea a green-light.
Mario told me that my giant ears were the perfect evolutionary leap, due to my role in the video game character food chain. “You grew handles, bitch!” he yelled, as any last shred of respect was erased from the Alex Kidd name.
After we finished up, Mario told me that all of the Koopa Troopa positions were full and caught me on fire. Fuck him.
“You are way too gay to be a Koopa Troopa,” he yelled, as he threw any reachable fire extinguishers off the porch.
That was the point that I realized I was pretty much fucked. My career was over. Career changes are limited for big-fisted, elf types with giant ears. I decided to pick up several hard-core drug addictions so I could go into rehab and have something to do. Sega can kiss my elf nuts.
I actually had "Alex Kidd in Miracle World". In fact, I still have it in the closet not fifteen feet away. I asked for this game for my thirteenth birthday. Do I need to explain I was the most painfully awkward kid in Cook County, Illinois at the time? Still, I stand by the decision. It wasn't a bad game. I only regret getting the cheat guide/walkthrough right away so the game was ruined for me in two weeks time. That was a real mistake considering it would be five years before I would have anything resembling a life.
Adam
Holy hell!!
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Posted: 4/24/2006 6:54:21 AM
I was about half way through this article (laughing my ass off as I went) when I suddenly realised...I used to play this game!! I remember that damn paper scissors rock boss thingy (goddamn I hated that thing). I would've been about 7 or so, and would walk a block to a friends house, hoping I could score some playtime on the most advanced entertainment system on the market. But it did frustrate the bejesus out of me, but I suppose it the price you paid for.......top quality entertainment...........
Johnny
Growing Pains
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Posted: 4/24/2006 7:41:55 AM
Is that Mario wannabe at the bottom of the article Jeremy Miller, aka Ben Seaver? Sure looks like him.
Name
Terrible
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Posted: 4/24/2006 8:31:04 AM
this game was nowhere near as bad as The Adventures of Bonk fot Turbografx 16. Remember that hunk of shit? An article should be made about that POS system.
Nate
WOw
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Posted: 4/24/2006 9:44:54 AM
I thought I was going to be the only one who actually remembered this game and OWNED it! Man, between this and Wonderboy "Sega's answer to adventure Island" it's a wonder that the master system existed at all.
Note: Anyone else have those 3-D glasses that you plugged into the system? They were actually pretty cool. Space Harrier did kick ass though
deuce
sega
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Posted: 4/24/2006 10:20:52 AM
altered beast was pretty dope.. better arcade though.
Joe Kickass
Bonk
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Posted: 4/24/2006 12:02:16 PM
Oh man, that game was shitty. I forgot all about that. Nothing came close to Nintendo, and I think it's still the best one out there for Super Smash Brothers and Mariocart alone.
napalm
click, bang!
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Posted: 4/24/2006 2:05:49 PM
I always felt bad for the kids who got stuck with the old Sega Masters system. That system was more obsolete than the 3DO, Neo Geo, and Turbo Graphix 16 combined. Way to find some ultimate shittiness to profile Juan. How are you gonna top that? Maybe those old bubble up coffee percolators or something. Good luck.
Christine
Juan
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Posted: 4/24/2006 3:41:55 PM
I am a little upset at your lack of comments today. Don't these people know who you are?
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