Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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PacMania-B-Wonderful is sending you a message. Would you like to accept it?
Guns-n-Strippers187: Whatever, yo.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Hey Mr. Jones. It's nice to talk to you.
Guns-n-Strippers187: Yeah, my agent told me that you would be reaching me under this contact on AIM. I'm actually on my new cell phone at the grocery store. I'm texting messages to you from the produce department. Word!
PacMania-B-Wonderful: I'm very sorry to hear about the season long suspension. Tough break.
Guns-n-Strippers187: It's what you get when the police and the NFL want to get you for every little fucking thing you do, combined with the fact that I can't stop shooting people.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Yeah, that might have something to do with it.
Guns-n-Strippers187: I just haven't been making good decisions since I've started smoking the crack pipe.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: That's really too bad. Listen, I don't have all day. There's a reason that I contacted you today.
Guns-n-Strippers187: Hold on, this old lady won't get her fucking cart out of my way. My extremely rational brain is telling me that I should fire my gun in the air and point the weapon at her face.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Stop. Just fucking listen. I have never had a problem with your using of my name in the past. Initially, I was honored. The problem is that your behavior is completely unacceptable. I can't say that my product empire is pushing millions of units and raking in tons of dough, but I'm going to need you to drop the "Pac-Man" shit from your name. It's not good for my image and the ability to market it. I think that it's time to go back to using "Adam."
Guns-n-Strippers187: You can't tell me who I be called, dog. Who the fuck do you think you are?
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Pac-Man. I'm fucking Pac-Man. That was the stupidest fucking question that you could have possibly asked.
Guns-n-Strippers187: Whatever. You're lucky that I can't shoot bullets through my cell phone.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Man, you have been arrested five times and questioned by the police ten times since you were drafted by the Titans in 2005. Seriously, are you fucking retarded?
Guns-n-Strippers187: Fuck you orange ghost. You ain't gonna sneak up on me and interrupt this conversation. Shit. Who do you think the fuck I be? This is Pac-Man Jones, mother fucker. I'll ride on you tonight. I swear to God.
ClydethaGlide666: Uncool, dude. What is with this fucking guy, Pac-Man?
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Actually Clyde, this is a bad time. I'm discussing the finer details of some legal business with Mr. Jones. I'll gladly talk to you later.
ClydethaGlide666: You always do this shit, man. I thought we could hang out and eat some cherries or something.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Goodbye, Clyde.
ClydethaGlide666: Fuck this, man.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: You know, Clyde, I try to be nice. Leave me the fuck alone. I have a fucking assload of power pellets. Don't make me chomp a couple, shitdick. I will fucking eat you. I will hunt your orange ass down and overtake your ridiculously slow attempt to outrun me. You will just be a pair of fucking eyes when I'm done with you. Do you hear me? Just a pair of fucking eyes.
ClydethaGlide666: I'll talk to you later.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Mr. Jones, are you still there?
Guns-n-Strippers187: Oh, sorry, dog, I was just jerking off.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: I thought you told me earlier that you were texting me from the grocery store on your new cell phone.
Guns-n-Strippers187: Yeah, I'm at the grocery store. Pac-Man Jones jerks off where and when he wants. I pretty much do whatever I feel like doing these days. The impending threat of a jail sentence fails to deter me from breaking the law like it does most people. I have an extremely difficult time learning from mistakes. Some people like to watch movies. I like to shoot people. Some people like to go for walks on long, sandy beaches. I like to shoot people.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: So you are telling me that you just jerked off at a grocery store because you have no fear of getting arrested and going to jail for anything? That doesn't make any rational sense at all. I can't even begin to understand you.
Guns-n-Strippers187: Laws are kind of like a checklist for me. I especially like shooting people.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Whatever, man. I just need you to make a couple of phone calls and let people know that you'll be going as "Adam" from now on.
Guns-n-Strippers187: You think you can tell Pac-Man Jones what to do? Do you have any idea what I can do to you?
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Shoot me?
Guns-n-Strippers187: Uh... yeah.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: You seriously must be a fucking retard. I have an idea for a nickname replacement for you. Adam "The Good Decision Factory" Jones. How about that?
Guns-n-Strippers187: I'm not technically retarded. I just lack the part of the human brain which intrinsically warns rational people that they are about to get caught and arrested for doing something that has no rational purpose. I have the inability to learn from mistakes. I repeat the same fuck-ups, over and over again.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: I've noticed.
Guns-n-Strippers187: There is a member of my entourage with the sole job of not letting me drink bottles of window cleaner because I keep thinking it's Kool-Aid each and every morning.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: ...
Guns-n-Strippers187: The process of learning from a mistake is the most difficult concept that I have ever tried to understand. It's so fucking hard. For instance, there are long lines at all of the checkouts. Why should I have to suffer through a long line, only to pay for these groceries. I can just pull my gun out and take everything for free with no wait. I just can't understand why more people don't rob grocery stores. A downside to it all seems non-existant.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Listen, communicating with you is making me borderline suicidal. I'm going to have to get going. Just fucking drop the "Pac-Man" name or my lawyers will be in contact with you by tomorrow afternoon. Get some fucking help.
Guns-n-Strippers187: Man, all of this texting is really getting me in the mood to get my felonious assault on.
Posts: 217 Rank: 43 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pittsburgh, PA
Posted: 4/17/2007 3:58:00 AM
I would love to be a professional sports star. They have banks that allow you to request 81,000 in ones, oh yeah, I forgot... in garbage bags. Meanwhile, I have to pay 2 bucks to use the mac machine.
This marked the most uncomfortable moment in my life, as I had to explain the term "making it rain" to my parents at a barbecue. Thanks, ESPN. Intrepid reporting as always.
Posts: 7 Rank: 187 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
San Francisco, CA
Posted: 4/17/2007 4:32:07 AM
me neither, man.
now what makes ME feel like shootin people is the fact that my california taxes are higher than my federals. either turbotax is fuckin me, or i need to smoke some more crack and start over.
Posts: 1032 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 4/17/2007 8:09:14 AM
is so fucking awesome.
"laws are kind of like a checklist for me" was my favorite line.
what can i say about pacman jones that can't be said (or hasn't already been said) about chris henry. or randy moss. what the fuck is going on over there?
Posts: 1375 Rank: 10 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 4/17/2007 10:40:02 AM
anybody wanna take odds that marcus vick had something to do with yesterday's shooting? i got $50 sayin him and the cho seung-hui were roommates at some point. i think sports is what makes people fuckin crazy. i mean seriously, i remember pee-wee league football was right around the time i started fucking up in school and biting the other kids on the playground. a few years later i'm about a foot shorter than everyone so i couldn't play rec-league football anymore. BAM! i was a decent human being overnight.
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Guns-n-Strippers187: Whatever, yo.
PacMania-B-Wonderful: Hey Mr. Jones. It's nice to talk to you. 
ClydethaGlide666: Boo! Hey Pac-Man, What's crackin?
