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Little-man syndrome.
Don’t make me tell you again, kid. Quit fucking trying to hug me. I am not a mother-fucking teddy bear! Some serious shit is going to go down if you try to stick that cassette-tape up my ass again like I was Teddy Ruxpin or something. I’ll tell you a Goddamned bed time story without any insertion of foreign objects.
Once upon a time, actually, a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a rebel alliance. They fought an evil empire across a galaxy. Do you want to take a fucking guess what race of creature they needed help from to finish the war? You have any guesses? Ewoks, you fucking retard, Ewoks. We swung out of trees and took some bitches out. I didn’t see any fucking Care Bears fighting. They weren’t acting all gay, doing that “Care Bear Stare” thing at the Biker Scouts. It was the mother-fucking Ewoks. Recognize, bitch. You’re fucking with me… you’re fucking with the best.
I hope you liked my story, kid. Now, leave me the fuck alone. Why are you patting my head? I am not a motherfucking teddy bear. You must have a craving for a long wooden spear to force its way through your eye. Don’t take me for a pussy just because I’m your height, kid. I will rain fire and brimstone on you. I’m a savage. Maybe you haven’t noticed the outfit I have on? Would you be hugging it up with a regular person if they were dressed like this? I put this crazy fucking thing on my head every morning and I’m still not sure what purpose it serves. I am a crazy motherfucker.
I took down like ten of those AT-ST things too. They were huge. We had traps set on Endor like it was Christmas Eve at Macaulay Culkin’s house. Nobody fucks with the Ewoks, bitch. I swear to C3P0, I can pick up a rock and hit you with it before your eyes even blink. Get out of my way. Look at me like a teddy bear again, and your ears will be dangling from my necklace.
I can’t help but notice that you are tugging on my tail as I try to get away from you. Do you know how sharp my teeth are? Don’t think for a moment that I won’t swallow your hand.
Oops, you fucked with an Ewok. Time to get cut.
Kid, I understand the fact that I was the most transparent marketing gimmick to stretch the Star Wars franchise into every fucking genre of toy, but I’ll still kill you. No one takes me seriously. The Biker Scouts were laughing at me as well, before they were lying on the ground with their faces pushed forcibly into their tailbones and their legs scattered about the forest. I’ll make short work of you on that tricycle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I want to go and not be a teddy bear somewhere.
Are you getting lippy with me? Did you just ask me if I was going to my huge tree-house village in the woods? Are you implying that a habitat-setting such as a giant tree-house village makes me less credible as warrior-bear and more like a plush toy commercial? Fuck off. I’m tired of this shit. We were savages, damn it. Have you ever thought about how scary Return of the Jedi would have been if we would have been evil? No one could have handled that. They would have had to change the title of the movie to Planet of the Evil Cannibal Bears from Endor. It would have surely carried an “R” rating.
Please do not mistake my kindness for a weakness. Hey, what are you doing? Put me down! Put me down, now! Fucker, stop it. Get me out of the fucking toy chest right now! Alright, you’re going too far, kid. Open the lid back up. You dick. Son of a bitch. I don’t care. I’m still not a motherfucking teddy bear. Leave me alone. I’m going to pray to C3P0, get rescued, and kill until my arms fall off. You have gone and pissed off an Ewok. Bad move, dude.
i got Wicket (ewok pictured above) for Christmas when i was in kindergarten-- my favorite stuffed animal ever. I remember it was a viable career choice back then to build a tree fort city in the forest and swing around on a rope swing all day like Maogli.
That Guy
There's an Ewok
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Posted: 6/29/2006 9:30:05 AM
Who lives next door to me. He smokes likes he's going to The Chair, smacks his old lady around, and yells at my dog when he's drunk (the Ewok, not my dog. My dog doesn't drink because it kills his crank high).
Bitter little fucks, those Ewoks.
deuce
good stuff juan
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Posted: 6/29/2006 9:41:45 AM
"thanks" to whomever helped alex p. keaton fix the layout today..
jesus. i wasnt able to read all of it the 1st time through, not that i expected there to be hidden "crap" in a turlington piece, but its good to be re-assured.
".. kill until my arms fall off." & last pic & caption - nice work.
Stu
eh...
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Posted: 6/29/2006 12:57:40 PM
the nostalgia tour bus you're driving has grown tired “juan.”
Provo
Good Show.....
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Posted: 6/29/2006 1:02:30 PM
Quality.....
Sure fire success when you reference either Ewoks or Teddy Ruxpin...you did both....
Creepy, on so many levels, to think that if you shave Wicket (Ewok above), you end up with Willow? and he was a wizard, right?
Never trust an Ewok...sure they seem cute at first, but they will tear you to shreds man.....
Mad Martigan
Provo
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Posted: 6/29/2006 2:41:53 PM
I think you're jumping the halberd a little there: "Wizard-in-Training" is more like it.
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