Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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The scenario: Information has surfaced claiming that Kevin Federline may possibly write a "tell all" book about his marriage to Britney Spears.
Wrong move, dumbass.
First of all, Kevin, being literate is a major prerequisite for writing things. It's a pretty basic concept. However, it's far from a shocker that you failed to realize this considering the fact that you are a fucking retard. Even if someone helped you write the book, the author would still have to write down the mouth-turds that would shoot out of your face. Retarded is always retarded, Kevin, whether it is spelled out with brilliant grammar and flawless prose, or if it is falling from your mouth between sticky, random droplets of drool muffled by the sound of crunching Doritos. There is no faking it. You have to remember, a lot of people saw your reality show, Chaotic. A camera crew could follow a bunch of children from a Third World country and capture more reasonable exchanges. Fresh off of a chug of river water that an animal had recently pooped in, their intellect would surpass your simple mind by leaps and bounds. If you don't believe me, search Google for some footage of Britney discussing time-travel.
What shocking details are you going to reveal about Britney? Britney does unexplainable, shocking things in public on an almost a daily basis. The rest of America has become as familiar with her vagina in the last month as you did during your entire marriage. It's a little late for a shocking epic detailing how many times you argued about who loved who more and which brand of cigarettes is best to "freak" and blow in the baby's face to get it to stop crying.
Kevin, it is totally understandable that you are trying to squeeze out the last few drops of fame from the drenched rag of urine that is your public persona, but writing literature is not going to achieve your goal. No one in their right fucking mind will want to waste their time reading what you have to say. You need something more immediate and less wordy. People can tell you are a douchebag by looking at you. They will not need it explained to them word by word.
I feel pretty safe in saying that anything you produce will fail miserably. Therefore, if your failure in life is inevitable, we need to find the most entertaining way to showcase your failure. A video game emulating your life is the best bet. Here's the description:
K-Fed 07 will be a very cheaply produced role-playing game that lets the player see the world through the eyes of everyone's favorite white trash douchebag. Take choreographed dance steps through a simulated Hollywood environment, knocking-up successful pop performers and leaching off of them for as long as possible. Collect menthols, beer bottles, and wife-beaters for bonus points as you turn young, hot, retarded starlets into fat, disgusting, retarded starlets with kids. Don't worry about raising the kids. They didn't come out of your vagina. Collect enough bonus points to drop your own album and blow your advance on things you see on BET. Build your own "fifteen minutes of fame" empire!
Give it a shot, Kevin. The whole selling point of the game is that it would be really fun to be you (if the player can turn it off whenever they want and if they're not actually retarded).
Posts: 55 Rank: 151 Joined:
1/8/2007
Location:
Johannesburg, South Africa
Posted: 1/9/2007 8:04:22 AM
I have a new favourite word: mouth-turds. Anyway, how is it that someone can become famous for being a douchebag? What is wrong with society today? Nevermind being smacked around by Cena, back in the day he would've been burnt at the stake for corrupting a public figure.
I find this guy a total dirt bag on one hand and a hero on the other. It really troubles me to look at him yet think this guy is living the dream as a kept bitch.
What the fuck are you doing? Yesterday it was Droo, than back to Drew. Now it's Hooker? What the fuck man? Are you going all Sybil on us? Please let us know so we can get you the help that you need.
Posts: 45 Rank: 185 Joined:
12/13/2006
Location:
Salt Lake City, UT
Posted: 1/9/2007 11:05:41 AM
It's certainly a love hate relationship I have with Kevin. The shear cock-in-the-eyeball feeling I get everytime I see his smirking face is counterbalanced by the awesome fact that he got dumped by a woman (who is dumb enough to allow him to knock her up....twice) by text message. It's like watching the slow death of a parrot, pulling out its own feathers and shouting the lyrics to "Dance with a Pimp (with Ya Boy)."
Posts: 55 Rank: 53 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
newport coast, CA
Posted: 1/9/2007 11:09:20 AM
"Kevin, it is totally understandable that you are trying to squeeze out the last few drops of fame from the drenched rag of urine that is your public persona"
This guy is gonna be the next star of E!'s surreal life... And it’ll be a even more of a complete mockery of his entire existence, than it has been for the retards in the past. I see the show progressing by documenting K-Fed's virtually unbelievable stupidity through philosophical debates with Mini-Me, screaming matches with that huge mannish bitch from WWE, and a knock down drag out slap fight between K-Fed and Vanilla Ice. Now tell me; who wouldn't Tivo that shit!?
Its a tribute to you. See Christines article. No help needed. Ive just got a strange feeling im being watched and every time I go to a porn site "surf patrol" pops up on my company internet and blocks me. I dont want to get dooced. This is the last name. I kind of like being called hooker while you look at the back of my head. Wait, that is a bit gay. OH NO that is a lot gay!
He is just trying to find himself. Its no worse than what K-Fed has done. At least Hooker isn't on TV everyday polluting the airwaves with his white trashiness. Its time to let this dried up old stinky dick licker sink into nothingness back home at the trailer park.
We could still burn him at the stake. That is the only reason he should ever be on TV again. I would even be OK with selling tickets to watch it live. The proceeds could be used to start an organization that keeps assholes like this out of the spot light.
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