Juan Turlington does not take advantage of the wide array of felonies available to him in American society. Mail Tampering takes such little effort that it makes him feel warm and fuzzy inside. Every other Tuesday, abducted wanderers are snatched from their path, never to find their intended destination. They slowly become "Other People’s Mail." These are their lost, misguided voices.
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The Department of Health and Human Services wants you to stop fucking.
To: Wade Horn (assistant secretary for the Department of Health and Human Services) From: Juan Turlington (assistant secretary for the Department of Being Fucking Reasonable) Re: abstinence education funding
Hey Wade, I came upon a very interesting statistic concerning the Department of Health and Human Services the other day. I just couldn't let it go. It seems that the federal government recently revised a bunch of guidelines to allocate $50 million towards abstinence education funding. As that wouldn't be ridiculous enough by itself, the article went on to mention that your department is targeting a new demographic: 19-29 year olds. Upon reading this news, my head spun around three times and exploded. What in the fucking hell is going on at the Department of Health and Human Services? You people, above all others, should know that smoking crack is bad for your health and can impair judgment. Okay, I understand that abstinence education may have a place for people under the age of 18. I'm not saying that it fucking works at all, but at least it makes a little goddamn sense.
Spending large sums of money to tell grown adults that they shouldn't have sex is the equivalent of dressing your dog in people clothes. It's retarded, plus it's a huge fucking waste of time and money. It's not fucking bad enough that someone had the mental capacity to even think of such a fucking ridiculous idea, they continued to the next step and spoke the words aloud. Then, someone had to listen to this idea and agree that it was a reasonable plan. Even after that, more people heard the idea, went along with it, and went through the steps to make it reality. If someone held a shitty idea contest, your new target demographic of 19-29 year olds receiving abstinence training would contend strongly with the mandatory issue of assault rifles to the mentally retarded along with juice boxes filled with whisky.
You may not have noticed, but most human beings are at their most sexually attractive level when they are between the ages of 19-29. People have a way better chance of being in shape and attractive within that demographic. Most men would practically fuck anything that moves while in this age range. Let's use a practical example to show how massively fucking retarded your new abstinence plan happens to be.
Example: (see figure 1)Step 1 - Male college student A walks into a bar. Step 2 - A reasonably attractive female (college student B) offers him a drink and tells him that she wants to fuck his brains out. Step 3 â?" They fuck like wild monkeys, he doesn't call her back the day after, and she smashes the headlights out of his car.
Any abstinence training, short of tying college student A's penis in a double-loop knot, will fail in a high percentage of cases. I don't care if you throw on a slideshow of sexually-transmitted diseases, tell people that their sexual organs will burn and disintegrate, and cap it off with an all-day marathon of movies from eighth grade health class; grown adults are going to do whatever the fuck they feel like doing. It's like you completely failed to notice that most people attend college between the ages of 19-29. Without sex, college would only be about drinking and experimental drug use. That, Mr. Healthy Pants, is far from healthy. You fucking suck.
Seriously, how in the fuck did the federal government allocate $50 million dollars to you when you come up with ideas that are ultimately and doubtlessly sure to fail? What in the fuck are you going to do with all of that money? You would think if you mother-fuckers got that much cash to push abstinence, I might have seen a commercial by now with some Christian rock singer standing on a beach, telling me to keep it in my pants.
I fall into this new target demographic and I haven't heard jack-shit about abstinence except for when I meet people who save themselves for marriage. That's a great move, if your head is filled with densely-packed dogshit. Where is the logic in waiting to have sex until you get to the point in life where you don't get laid anymore? It's like waiting until rehab to start a crack habit. The entire idea is about as sweet as a life decision as pooping your pants in gym class to get out of climbing the rope to avoid embarrassment. There are times when I just want to fall to me knees and cry for this country, but that would be a bitch-ass move, and I refuse to conduct bitch-ass moves for any reason.
Now that we have the fact that you are a bunch of ignorant assholes with unrealistic views out in the open, I actually want to give you bastards a tiny sliver of credit. You are running quite the racket. Crime syndicates work far more diligently for their funding.
It is quite possible that you have the easiest job in the world. It's like you guys get a phone call and someone says, "Hey, we have a shit-load of money we want to throw at you. All you have to do is come up with an idea to use it. It doesn't even have to make sense. Don't worry about being reasonable. Do you want to wait to call us back or do you just want to say the first thing that pops into your head?"
(figure 1)
You mother-fuckers have it made in the shade. This brings me to the second major point of this letter. If you happen to have any positions open in the future, please send an application my way. I want a piece of this fucking action. In order to show you that I'm the right man for the job, I have compiled a short list of some super awesome ideas that may help to solve some of America's other health problems. I tried to keep my ideas in the same ballpark as you, with similar chances of success and reasonability as "abstinence education for 19-29 year-olds."
1. Have human beings grow wings.
People are always falling off of shit and getting hurt. If we could get some damn funding, we can work towards making sure that everyone is able to grow wings. Think of all the lives that can be saved. My estimates say that we'll probably need about $80 million for this.
2. Have people eat carrots instead of smoking cigarettes.
If we could get the right funding, we can put up posters, hold classes, and make scary commercials that frighten smokers, causing them to give up their nasty habit and begin eating carrots. We'd probably need about $30 million for this. Remember, no one has ever seen a rabbit with glasses. You can't go wrong with carrots.
3. People should peddle adult-sized Big Wheels (see figure 2) all over the fucking place.
Way too many people die in car accidents. We need to get rid of the diabolical menace that is the automobile. We all know that people can crash in cars and die. Dying is not healthy. With a little bit of funding ($75 million or so), we can try to put an adult-sized Big Wheel in every garage in America. Now, people can peddle their ass all over the fucking place without the fear of being involved in high-speed automobile accidents.
(figure 2)
To sum everything up, the Department of Health and Human Services is a fucking joke that has a warped and unrealistic view of the real world, unless they decide to hire me to come up with programs. Then, they would be somewhat awesome and I would applaud their ridiculous, borderline comedic efforts.
beatdown of biggest collection of mental incompetents, I've seen in a long damn time. Thank you. Also, I'd appreciate it if you could provide some kind of link to information about this program, so that I can forward that along with this article. I'd love to start filling their inbox with hatemail... hatemail and and bags full of used condoms... ya know, just to prove the point and show my disdain.
Posts: 368 Rank: 13 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Washington , DC
Posted: 5/29/2007 10:57:43 AM
You may want to impart this advice directly to Alfalfa. Kid sounded like a member of the Branch Davidians when he was waxing philosophical last week about his gash.
Posts: 88 Rank: 35 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
East Lansing, MI
Posted: 5/29/2007 11:01:20 AM
Mine's going to have tassles, a bell, and a Bose surround sound. It will be gold of course, just because I'll be shinin' as I roll down the block on 8-inch rims.
you may want to address this to someone else. Wade Horn resigned as Assistant Secretary of Children and Families at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services in April. Everyone, proceed with kicking me in the balls for this comment.
Posts: 726 Rank: 7 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 5/29/2007 11:17:42 AM
every shit show, movie, or music (american idol, larry the cable guy, david spade, maxim magazine, etc.) targets this same demographic (18-34 i believe is the actual dem) and these fuck faces can't get enough. when more of these assholes show up to vote for a winner for a fake fucking singing contest than for the president of the fucking country - i have some concern.
advising these mouthbreathers to quit procreating until they can name all 50 states is the best decision this administration has made since it began its tenure.
funny shit juan, but i don't see how this is a bad idea (i'm still laughing at the bigwheel idea & pic)
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