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I got a cryptic text message from Napalm late last night that read as follows:
Never use zip ties to restrain a drug mule that just had a condom full of PCP burst in his stomach.
That was followed by this:
I fucking hate Peru. Not gonna be able to get my reviews in this week. Handle it.
Now, I'm not sure if he meant, "handle it" as in deal with not having my reviews this week, or "handle it" as in write it for me. I figure I'm better off writing it since, if he calls me pissed off, I can just take it down. Either way, I'm fucked. I think he's vague on purpose so no matter what I do he can punch me in kidney the next time he's in LA.
Oh well, let's get on with it:
Five Ears for awesome shit that makes me want to fight, fuck or kill!
Four Ears for well above average stuff that gives me a chubby.
Three Ears for well-rounded but average... like a white girl's ass.
Two Ears for subpar material that makes my crotch itch.
One Ear for shit that makes me want to fight, fuck, or kill for the wrong reasons.
An added testicle for shit that is in between.
John McClane is back, and this time he's older than ever! Despite that, and being stuck with Justin Long, the ass cheek from the Apple commercials, DH4 is actually pretty entertaining. Some critics have gone as far as to say that this movie is the best of the series. Those critics are fucking retarded. The original Die Hard is fantastic. Not only is it the best Christmas movie of all-time, it's one of the very rare action movies that holds up after almost 20 years. Have you seen Cobra or even Lethal Weapon lately. They're basically unwatchable.
I'd rank this installment third in the series, behind the original and Die Hard with a Vengence. First of all, it's PG-13. From an action stand point that hardly seems to matter. The violence in DH4 is on par with others, but it does make a difference in two other important areas. McClane can't really swear like he used to. Nowhere is this more obnoxious than when he uses his catch phrase, "Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker", and "fucker" is drown out by a gunshot. It's his goddamn catch phrase! You can't do that. The other area it effects is his smoking. He doesn't. I know this probably doesn't seem like a big deal, but generally speaking, if Bruce Willis doesn't smoke in a movie, it isn't very good. Take a look:
Smoking movies:Pulp Fiction, Die Hard, The Last Boy Scout, Sin City, The Fifth Element.
Non-Smoking movies:The Jackel, Blind Date, North, Mercury Rising, Armageddon, The Whole Nine Yards, The Kid, Death Becomes Her, The Story of Us, etc.
The other reason I think it comes up short of parts one and three is the cast.
Justin Long is a piss poor substitute for Reginald VelJohnson in DH let alone Sam Jackson in DH3. Timothy Olyphant (the bad guy from that movie where the daughter from 24 plays a porn star that never gets naked) is no Alan Rickman or Jeremy Irons, but I wasn't expecting a bad guy on the level of a Gruber brother. What I was expecting was something a little more sinister than a jilted computer hacker. I thought I had seen the last of the computer-hacker-as-bad-guy after sitting though 38-minutes of Swordfish to see Halle Berry's baby feeders. I mean, this is John Fucking McClane we're talking about. And don't even get me started on the henchmen. There's no Clarence "Sundown" Gilyard Jr. (Theo). No Alexander Godunov (Karl). The only henchman I even remember is this hot Asian chick who McClane beats the shit out of and drops down an elevator shaft.
What the movie does get right is the tone. DH4 is fun. McClane is still self-aware enough to laugh when he does something sweet like bring down the helicopter with a car, and he manages to make witty comments without it coming across too cheesy. All in all, it's worth seeing, but better than the original? "What do you think, I'm fucking stupid, Hans?"
Kids' movies are almost always terrible—especially Disney movies. If it wasn't for the fact that Pixar has made some very good movies (Toy Story 1 &2, The Incredibles), I probably wouldn't have bothered with this one. The real question is, now that Disney owns Pixar, how long before they destroy everything that was good about it?
Ratatouille is about a rat who lives in Paris and wants to be a chef. He's a great cook, but obviously rats aren't allowed in the kitchen. I know, the story sounds idiotic, and it is. But Patton Oswald voices the lead rat character, so it has that going for it at least.
Brad Bird, who directed The Iron Giant before coming to Pixar, is at the helm again following his success with The Incredibles, and he does a pretty good job. While this isn't as good Toy Story, The Incredibles, or The Iron Giant, it's not bad. I'd still recommend anyone who has kids avoid it unless you want your kid to burn down the fucking house trying to make Darne de Saumon Bonne Auberge with the help of their $40 stuffed rat.
This tongue-in-cheek take on gangster rap by a couple of white guys from the suburbs is the funniest hip-hop record since Eazy-E died. The difference between NCA and everything released by Ruthless Records is these guys are being funny on purpose.
The four pure gangster rap tracks, Champion Gangster, Gangsters v. Dinosaurs, Gangster World, and the epic Gangsters in Space, are as absurd and hilarious as anything Tenacious D ever did, but unlike the D, these actually still work as real songs. You find yourself nodding your head to the Olympic Theme samples in the beat of Champion Gangster even while you're laughing at lyrics like, "Big smile at the top of the podium / the number two gangster starin' up at my scrotium."
The strip club anthem Pole Position could easily be on the next Three 6 Mafia album. Sean Caswell, AKA Whitey G, is so good at aping the garbage "Dirty South" style you almost forget you're listening to parody. And with lines like, "Money makers shakin' all over the club / champagne bubblin' like a fart in the tub. Booty hiked up in those nine-inch heels / wanna see it clap-clap like a circus seal." the lyrical content is far more interesting and clever than what you typically hear from top 40 rap.
Of the other seven songs that round out the record, I suspect I'll be skipping over a few of them, but a few really stand out. There is the hilarious tribute to Phil Hartman called Hartman which asks in the chorus, "Why'd you have shoot Phil Hartman? Damn." And the catchiest song on the record, an ode to binge drinking called Cash Sandwich, will have you singing "Drinky McDrinkle Drunk" for the rest of the day.
1. With Paris Hilton out of jail, what would you suggest she do to stay in the news? Is it time for another sex tape? Does she need to get sent back to jail? Maybe she should announce she's gay...
2. Caption this photo of Heros star Hayden Panettiere:
Posts: 1069 Rank: 12 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 6/29/2007 8:54:08 AM
die hard is the greatest action movie series ever. looking forward to it, even if it has steve jobs' fart sniffer in it.
Q&A 1. have somebody kill her. that way more retards in sweatpants that say "saucy" or "juicy" or whatever the fuck can declare " she was our princess di" like they did when that fat cumdumpster anna nicole mixed too many "feel better" pills with too many "laugh laugh" tabs.
Posts: 214 Rank: 16 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Pasadena, CA
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:02:21 AM
Almost as useful as Napalm's reviews, though you seem to rate everything a bit higher than he did. This makes me think that Christine helped you pick the movies and rate them. Napalm would likely have included instructions on how to cook rat when trapped behind enemy lines without food.
Answers: 1. She will not announce that she's gay, but she will get arrested as part of a sting on orgy parties. She will claim that she wasn't at risk for HIV she was only fooling around with other chicks.
2. Blumpkins from the cheerleader, blumpkins from the world.
Posts: 802 Rank: 17 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:13:06 AM
1. Paris will move to the MIT campus and discover the nature of dark matter. She will win the Nobel Prize. We will sit around in shock wondering where the fuck that came from.
Or-
She will be the carrier of a new venerial disease that will sweep the Earth and maim/kill millions. It will still be better than her music.
Good stand in Charlie. Although i specifically scheduled one of 9 hours in Denver this weekend to read Napalm... but whatever; nice work.
1. Paris should get involved with a magic act consisting of white tigers and then get mauled...wait that may have been done. How about she marries a baseball star, then sleeps with the president (bonus points if H. rod wins), and die of a misterious drug overdose (though not necessarilly in that order)... hold up; that may have already been done too. I know, maybe Paris is gonna just hang low for a bit. Afterall if that interview she gave to larry king is any indication; she's gonna be fucking boring and also not pretty for a few months. But soo she should make a glorious return to the lime light by partnering with richard branson and popularizing commercial travel to space. I can see the Fox show title now: "The not-so-simple life: Skanks in Space."
Posts: 1542 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:40:09 AM
I can't attest to "Cobra" but I'd still watch "Lethal Weapon" anytime (the original and maybe part 2...the rest can be stricken from the record). I really dig Patton Oswaldt, but I'm not sure he can get me to watch "Ratatoullie" unless I was dating a single mom. Although, my office got a bunch of promotional crap for it and I snagged the video game version for Nintendo Wii. I'll report back later on whether or not a decent drinking game can be derived from it.
1. She definitely needs to buy a WNBA team. That league needs some publicity, they could definitely get a reality show out of that and it would just be funny to wtch her run a business into the ground.
Posts: 607 Rank: 21 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
north babylon, NY
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:44:00 AM
Good job filling in DeMarco.
1. I'm gonna go with a "failed" suicide attempt. You know, an across the street instead of down the highway type mistake to make it look like she really wanted to do it. One could only hope she fucks up and really offs herself.
2. "Hayden continues to struggle with the concept of 'tongue-in-cheek' humor."
Posts: 2923 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:57:26 AM
I think you did an amazing job. I thought I was the only person who thought The Fifth Element was a good movie. Even though I mostly like when people are nice, I will agree with Asmar. You are definitely getting a kidney job for your kindness.
1. I hope I never hear of Paris Hilton again. but I know that will not happen. I guarantee the next we hear of her will have something to do with drugs and then her subsequent rehab.
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John McClane is back, and this time he's older than ever! Despite that, and being stuck with Justin Long, the ass cheek from the Apple commercials, DH4 is actually pretty entertaining. Some critics have gone as far as to say that this movie is the best of the series. Those critics are fucking retarded. The original Die Hard is fantastic. Not only is it the best Christmas movie of all-time, it's one of the very rare action movies that holds up after almost 20 years. Have you seen Cobra or even Lethal Weapon lately. They're basically unwatchable.
Kids' movies are almost always terrible—especially Disney movies. If it wasn't for the fact that Pixar has made some very good movies (Toy Story 1 &2, The Incredibles), I probably wouldn't have bothered with this one. The real question is, now that Disney owns Pixar, how long before they destroy everything that was good about it?
This tongue-in-cheek take on gangster rap by a couple of white guys from the suburbs is the funniest hip-hop record since Eazy-E died. The difference between NCA and everything released by Ruthless Records is these guys are being funny on purpose. 
