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So the Winter Olympics start tonight. I know, I know. Who cares, right? I don’t know- retards? But that shouldn’t count because they’re always excited.
Anyway, I figured it was high time the Winter Olympics added some new events. Did you know there are only seven sports in the Winter Olympics? Seven! And only one of them is a real sport (kind of)- Hockey. By contrast, the Summer Games has 28 sports. No wonder the Winter sucks huge, frozen cock. I mean in the summer we have to sit through weightlifting, but at least we have track and field to look forward to and women’s gymnastics…tight, little. Sorry. That’s not legal.
So I rounded up the Phat Phree writers and we made a list of potential new events. I thought about sending them in to the IOC for consideration, but I figured I’d run them by you people first.
Here they are:
Olympic Snow Angeling (or other religious diety)
Performed all over the world, Snow Angeling is a pastime that can be enjoyed by participants of all ages. Scoring would be based on symmetry, style, and degree of difficulty. The Hindus would dominate this event due to the gorgeous and many-armed Snow Shivas they create.
Olympic Brain Freeze
Participants chug frozen drinks. Scoring is based on amount consumed, time, and the number of swear words strung together following the drinking.
Olympic Sack Drag
An endurance event, the Sack Drag takes place on the Figure Skating ice. A participant wears a special suit that allows their apple bag to hang freely. The competitors must skate laps with their bare scrotum on the ice. When the beanbag loses contact with the ice, the competitor’s distance is measured. The Split is the most common position, but in backyard games, the Schleberman Squat has gained popularity in recent years.
Olympic Snow Forting
Typically a childhood game, Snow Forting on the Olympic level would require an understanding of engineering currently lacking from the games.
Olympic Urine Scribe
Judged based on urethramanship and total word count, Urine Scribe is really a competition of artistry and control. It is rumored that there is a man in Russia who once transcribed the first 18 pages of Tolstoy’s The Forged Coupon.
Olympic Gloved Jacket Buttoning
This event requires participants to button a nine-buttoned winter parka while wearing gloves for time.
Olympic Anatomical Snowmanning
A knowledge of human anatomy is a benefit in this event, but not required. It’s not judged on the anatomical accuracy of the snowman/woman, but rather on the style and size of the snow genitals.
Olympic Curling
In this contest, participants slide a handled stone across the ice while two other guys sweep imperfections out of the path with tiny brooms. The goal is to get your stones closer to a painted dot than the other team.
Sorry, that is just stupid- What? That’s a real event?! Get the fuck outta here. I don’t believe you.
Olympic Ice Marathon
It’s a marathon, but on the ice. And at the end the competitors are mauled by a Polar Bear.
Olympic Seal Clubbing
Players race to see who can kill the most baby seals in 40 minutes. The winner gets to club a human baby on the medal stand.
Olympic Super Triathlon
The Biathlon is Cross-Country Skiing and Marksmanship. The Triathlon takes it up a notch by first adding an element of survival. Participants attempt to shoot each other rather than targets. Then, to really add excitement, the survivors of the first two events engage in a Circle Jerk on to a Klondike Bar.
Let’s hear them. What events would you like to see?
List compiled by: Charlie DeMarco, Michael Hagges, Steve Kiley, Jim Fath, Matt McCoy, and Ron Babcock.
I wouldn't mind seeing some outdoors winter bukkake action. Starts out with 8 guys in a single-elimination format...last guy to unleash during each round is out. I'm pretty sure I'd fair well in this event - they didn't call me Quick Draw McGraw for nothing.
And plus the target's nipples will be hard....sweeeeeet!!!!
Nate
Hows about
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Posted: 2/10/2006 10:02:26 AM
Olympic Bumper Dragging? Contestants hold on to the bumper of their vehicle of choice, and are dragged across a road covered with firmly packed snow. There will be random dry spots as well, so it would be a tandom event for the driver to maneuvre the dry spots as the dragee will most certainly fall face down immediately if they are hit. No special equipment either, stock cars, and no special shoes.
Atlas
No Gloved Beer Drinking
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Posted: 2/10/2006 10:42:08 AM
How many beers can you consume outdoors sans gloves in sub-freezing temperatures. The can cannot be switched from hand to hand and cannot be put down.
deuce
iced tea-bagging
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Posted: 2/10/2006 11:01:33 AM
dip your beans into nancy kerrigan's mouth full of frozen spooge. or yamaguchi, if you're into asians.
the snow forting one was awesome, nice work guys.
Joe Kickass
Olympic Seal Clubbing
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Posted: 2/10/2006 12:44:19 PM
Frickin' hysterical. And even better, "The winner gets to club a human baby on the medal stand." Well done.
Sadly, I'm actually looking forward to the hockey, snowboarding and skiing events.
Nate had a good addition with bumper dragging.
I propose an Olympic cross-checking competition. Get the enforcers from the hockey teams to unexpectedly come out and demolish the figure skaters mid-performance. Or have the skeleton luge people launch hundreds of feet in the air by adding a huge ramp at the bottom.
HMK
Olympic Gloved Jacket Buttoning
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Posted: 2/10/2006 4:11:40 PM
Out of all of them this was the best, and I think it would be really funny to watch and very hard to do.
How about Olympic Snowball Fight- Seems simple but to spruce things up each snowball could contain one of three things-1) Urine and/or shit, 2) tacks 3) granades. There would also be no protective wear. Well no actually, no clothing aloud except a bike helmet and hand muff.
Justin
ski-lopping
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Posted: 2/10/2006 4:16:07 PM
Loved the article. Snow fort building was brilliant. Couresy of your idea of hitting things, a person tries to knock as many skiers down that are heading down the slope. The skiers have to stay within a set pathway and the Olympian can use any means to take down the skier. Kinda like American Gladiators except with non-roided athletes.
deuce
combining joe's, justin's, & HMK's ideas
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Posted: 2/10/2006 4:25:09 PM
have the american gladiator gun that used to shoot tennis balls re-rigged for snow/ice balls blastin away at the figure skaters "ice dancing - pairs" competition. (nitro would totally man the cannon).
not sure what to call it.. any suggestions?
Christine
How about
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Posted: 2/10/2006 4:27:23 PM
Dance Blastin'!
K.W.
Deuce
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Posted: 2/10/2006 5:26:22 PM
Call it Frozen Nitro Spooging...or something like that.
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