Posts: 47 Rank: 51
Member Since:
10/21/2005
Location:
Los Angeles, CA
Posted: 6/29/2007
I got a cryptic text message from Napalm late last night that read as follows:
Never use zip ties to restrain a drug mule that just had a condom full of PCP burst in his stomach.
That was followed by this:
I fucking hate Peru. Not gonna be able to get my reviews in this week. Handle it.
Now, I'm not sure if he meant, "handle it" as in deal with not having my reviews this week, or "handle it" as in write it for me. I figure I'm better off writing it since, if he calls me pissed off, I...
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Posts: 808 Rank: 11 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
two up two down, VA
Posted: 6/29/2007 8:54:08 AM
die hard is the greatest action movie series ever. looking forward to it, even if it has steve jobs' fart sniffer in it.
Q&A 1. have somebody kill her. that way more retards in sweatpants that say "saucy" or "juicy" or whatever the fuck can declare " she was our princess di" like they did when that fat cumdumpster anna nicole mixed too many "feel better" pills with too many "laugh laugh" tabs.
Posts: 197 Rank: 14 Joined:
12/14/2006
Location:
Cherry Hill, NJ
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:02:21 AM
Almost as useful as Napalm's reviews, though you seem to rate everything a bit higher than he did. This makes me think that Christine helped you pick the movies and rate them. Napalm would likely have included instructions on how to cook rat when trapped behind enemy lines without food.
Answers: 1. She will not announce that she's gay, but she will get arrested as part of a sting on orgy parties. She will claim that she wasn't at risk for HIV she was only fooling around with other chicks.
2. Blumpkins from the cheerleader, blumpkins from the world.
Posts: 258 Rank: 26 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:13:06 AM
1. Paris will move to the MIT campus and discover the nature of dark matter. She will win the Nobel Prize. We will sit around in shock wondering where the fuck that came from.
Or-
She will be the carrier of a new venerial disease that will sweep the Earth and maim/kill millions. It will still be better than her music.
Posts: 453 Rank: 5 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Burbank (for the week), CA
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:14:56 AM
Good stand in Charlie. Although i specifically scheduled one of 9 hours in Denver this weekend to read Napalm... but whatever; nice work.
1. Paris should get involved with a magic act consisting of white tigers and then get mauled...wait that may have been done. How about she marries a baseball star, then sleeps with the president (bonus points if H. rod wins), and die of a misterious drug overdose (though not necessarilly in that order)... hold up; that may have already been done too. I know, maybe Paris is gonna just hang low for a bit. Afterall if that interview she gave to larry king is any indication; she's gonna be fucking boring and also not pretty for a few months. But soo she should make a glorious return to the lime light by partnering with richard branson and popularizing commercial travel to space. I can see the Fox show title now: "The not-so-simple life: Skanks in Space."
Posts: 1164 Rank: 6 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
New York, NY
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:40:09 AM
I can't attest to "Cobra" but I'd still watch "Lethal Weapon" anytime (the original and maybe part 2...the rest can be stricken from the record). I really dig Patton Oswaldt, but I'm not sure he can get me to watch "Ratatoullie" unless I was dating a single mom. Although, my office got a bunch of promotional crap for it and I snagged the video game version for Nintendo Wii. I'll report back later on whether or not a decent drinking game can be derived from it.
1. She definitely needs to buy a WNBA team. That league needs some publicity, they could definitely get a reality show out of that and it would just be funny to wtch her run a business into the ground.
Posts: 303 Rank: 23 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
north babylon, NY
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:44:00 AM
Good job filling in DeMarco.
1. I'm gonna go with a "failed" suicide attempt. You know, an across the street instead of down the highway type mistake to make it look like she really wanted to do it. One could only hope she fucks up and really offs herself.
2. "Hayden continues to struggle with the concept of 'tongue-in-cheek' humor."
Posts: 2061 Rank: 1 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
Philadelphia, PA
Posted: 6/29/2007 9:57:26 AM
I think you did an amazing job. I thought I was the only person who thought The Fifth Element was a good movie. Even though I mostly like when people are nice, I will agree with Asmar. You are definitely getting a kidney job for your kindness.
1. I hope I never hear of Paris Hilton again. but I know that will not happen. I guarantee the next we hear of her will have something to do with drugs and then her subsequent rehab.
DeMarco is always good, and its never a DeMarco article without a Disney joke. Well done.
Very interesting point about Willis smoking, and I have to say that sounds pathetic about the tagline being drowned. Last Boy Scout is an extremely underrated flick in my opinion, great B movie. Willis has some great asshole lines, and Halle Berry has a great role as a stripper.
1. She should run as Vice President with Obama, people love the black dicks/white chicks thing.
2. "This is the best ass I've tasted since Tuesday."
Posts: 303 Rank: 23 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
north babylon, NY
Posted: 6/29/2007 10:19:30 AM
Good boob job? Spartan probably has bigger tits then Paris. But I think you may be on to something. Check out this pick of Paris adjusting her man parts.
Posts: 258 Rank: 26 Joined:
6/20/2007
Location:
Norristown, PA
Posted: 6/29/2007 10:21:31 AM
Think about this. Its got Gary Oldman with a cheesy Southern accent and greasy combover, Milla Jovovich wearing Farnsworth Bentley's suspenders and nothing else, a hot bald-headed chick, a hot blue chick, Chris Tucker embarrassing himself and a great gunfight at the end.
Paris will decide its time to get a nice rack nothing get more press in the tabloids like visiting Doc Hollywood or maybe she will join the church of scientology.
caption: Upon accepting a triple dog-dare Hayden was overheard mumbling "hol...ey shsh-shit itsss schhtuck"
Posts: 55 Rank: 19 Joined:
5/11/2007
Location:
St. Louis, MO
Posted: 6/29/2007 10:33:59 AM
1. Selfless charity work. What could be more fucking annoying than Paris joining the ranks of "globally aware" philanthropists like Sting, Angelina Jolie, Oprah, Bono, etc., going all over the world flaunting their wealth and importance in front of third world people?
2. Gentlemen, start your engines! 52 days and she's fair game.
Posts: 303 Rank: 23 Joined:
12/8/2006
Location:
north babylon, NY
Posted: 6/29/2007 10:35:00 AM
Agreed...I've had my hands on some basketball like tits...felt like water ballons. I prefer the real thing to fake, but my point was that Paris has the tits of 14-year old boy. Not what I would call a great boob job.
Posts: 1353 Rank: 9 Joined:
2/27/2007
Location:
Ventura, CA
Posted: 6/29/2007 10:40:12 AM
1) After laying low for a few weeks on some tropical island, the cruise ship she will be traveling back on will hit a small crab boat and begin to sink. Paris will help everyone off of the ship, women and children first, fending off rude males with the defense skills she learned in the clink. Once all the people have gotten safely off of the sinking craft, she will sprout wings from her mighty vagina and fly herself to safety. This will all be caught on Hi-Def video by a pirate.
2) I have no comment other than I can't wait until August. HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY HAYDEN!!!ones!!!!!!
Posts: 1374 Rank: 4 Joined:
12/7/2006
Location:
savannah, GA
Posted: 6/29/2007 10:52:50 AM
sorry about that. on another note, the black chick is awesome. i think this could change my life. we don't agree on communism, but that can be changed, and she seems to enjoy drinking, alot, so that's cool too, plus she didn't get mad when i corrected her on the phrase "40 acres and a mule" she kept saying "48 acres and a mule" HA! lol, good times. i pitched woo to her with elvis and nirvana and she reciprocated with little known 80's rock ballads. we have a date this sunday :) yay minorities!
charlie- good job and all that.
random guy- you see? i'm not the only one that wants you to fuck your mother with the barrel of a rifle. i can only hope that the next time i piss gasoline, it burns the back of your throat.
